IUGR

It sat there in black and white IURG, I saw it and it hit me. Inter uterine growth restriction. Why did this upset me? We knew Abby had stopped growing, but seeing IUGR on my discharge letter made me cry. I couldn't grow my baby, my body failed her, my body nearly killed her. Where did it go wrong? Ruby was an average 7lb 2oz, Angus on 5lb 14oz, did this happen with him too?

I have spent a week or so questioning,  blaming myself, hating myself. But thanks to modern technology and medicine Abby is here, alive and well albeit small. So I didn't get to put her first nappy on, her first outfit,  I didn't get to hold her first. But I get to hold her for life, I got to meet her 3 weeks early. This time is extra time with her, we got to be a family a little sooner than planned. I didn't grow her as well as I grew Ruby but I nurtured her. I carried her, I loved her from the second I knew she was in there just as I did her brother and sister. She was born from love, she will grow with love, she is love. I could dwell on the negative and become negative or I can bask in the love she provides.

Abby Victoria Wu

l haven't blogged in a long time, not once during my pregnancy with Abby. So here is her birth story. 

On Thursday the 13th February I was 36 weeks and 5 days pregnant, we went for our weekly scan. We knew this appointment was the decider, she had been breech since 28 weeks. We had fought with the choice of ecv (to manually turn her) or section. I had spent 3 weeks doing all sorts to turn her but she wasn't for turning. Ecv has it's risks, I flitted back and fourth, I wanted another natural labour,  I had done the other two so well. 

So we went for our scan, at this point I'd been having weekly scans since 32 weeks as fluid was low and Abbys growth had slowed. I was having a ctg twice a week too. During the scan the sonographer checked my notes,  I knew it wasn't good. Looking back Iassume she thought she made a mistake with measurements since there was no change. We waited on her doing the report then saw our consultant, he was waiting, that is never good. We sat down and he just got to it, 'the baby needs to come out and I'm afraid it needs to be a section'. I cried. He explained there was no growth in two weeks,  she was small and fluid was low, no good would come of leaving her inside. I asked if our baby would die, he said probably not,  but if he left me to have a natural labour we would be high risk for a still birth. We assumed it would be the following week as thr only do elective sections on a Tuesday and Thursday.  He went away to see about booking me in, came back and said Sunday. We were shocked, but obviously that's how important it was she come out. I was given steroids there and then and another shot on Friday after my ctg. Another ctg Saturday and paperwork for the section.

Andys brother and his girlfriend came down to watch Ruby on the Sunday.  I cried leaving her, I'd never left her longer than a few hours. It was 8am and I knew I wouldn't see her for 12 hours. We went to the hospital,  checked in and got ready. We waited, what seemed like forever.  Our friend and midwife Lynn came in for us and I'm so glad she was there. There was an emergency section that went in before me and at around 11am Andy and I were walking along holding hands on the way to meet our baby. I gave him a kiss knowing or lives were about to change. I went through and he went to get scrubs on, which he was very excited about.

I instantly cried, I sat on the table sobbing as Lynn tried to calm me. I begged her not to let my baby die, it was just 8 days after Angus 3rd birthday, 5 days after the day he died and 2 daysnafter his due date. We planned this pregnancy to avoid these dates,  yet here we were moments from meeting our 3rd baby in 3 years. We didn't know what state she would be in when she came out, the resuscitation trolly was set up. They has estimated her weight at 2kg (4.4lb) and I honestly thought she may not make it. This was the moment our lives would change, would we have more live babies than dead babies?

They got the drip in, and started doing the spinal it wasnt sore just felt weird. I lay down and my legs started to tingle. They tested if I could lift them, if I could feel the cold spray. I was numb up to my nipples! They put a big screen up, that's all I could see, Andy  then came in looking handsome in his scrubs. I was told they had started, Andy held my hand and I felt calm but I felt scared. Waiting what seemed a life time the dr said 'one leg out' she was breech, we knew that. Other leg and bum followed then her head. It seemed like forever till she cried but she did. It was a girl! Ruby had wanted to call her Abby (Sesame St) and we gave her Victoria after my friend Vicki. She got shown to Andy then taken away to be checked,  she let out the odd cry and I prayed she was ok.  I cried, they brought her over and I held her. The dr said he wanted to take her to neonatal as a precaution.  5lb 2oz, bigger than they thought and she looked like Ruby. They took her and I cried, it seemed so wrong. With Angus and Ruby the first hands on them were mine, I guided them out and put them to my chest. Poor Abby was yanked out head last by a stranger then taken from me. I went into recovery, lynn got Abby back with a bit of a fight. She came through in a cot, dressed in pink! Someone else had put her first nappy on, her first outfit wasn't the one I had picked. It broke my heart but we had skin to skin for 2 hours as I fed her. I was due to go back to the ward but neonatal wouldn't let me take Abby. Babies under 2.4kg (she was 2.3) needed blood sugars checked every 4 hours. I begged them to do it on the ward but the dr said no. So I went back, empty handed neither of my girls with me, broken.

I sent Andy home for lunch and to check Ruby.  I was all alone, I had some tea amd toast and let my friends know. I watched the clock, waiting. It was nearly 2 hours till she came back. They brought her round in a hot cot,  as she was small they were concerned she couldn't regulate her temperature.  I held her and covered us bith in blankets, hot cot pah! Mama was all she needed. We snuggled and fed and I took in every detail of her. This little girl dressed in pink (much to my disgust!) She was beautiful she was ours. I had put all wants and fears aside and did what any mother would to ensure a live baby. It hsd turned out good, I was sore but happy. Ruby came to visit after dinner, she was so happy,  her face lit up.

The next 24 hours were a blur of feeding, keeping her warm and ensuring her blood sugars didn't drop. We got home on Tuesday morning after she only lost 4oz, it felt amazing to start life with my rainbow girls. It wasn't how we planned but clearly Abby needed to take the less stressful route out. She is thriving and settled in well. 

Sleep

My baby mostly gets 8 hours sleep, but mama doesn't. Why? Because I'm a peeper! I stare at her in amazement, wondering what little thing she is learning in her sleep. I watch her hand open and close as she practices grasping. Her little lips make a suckling motion as she dreams of milk. Her expressions chance, she grimices and smiles. She is a little under 4 months old, 4 months have flown by. I wonder where the time has gone and what I've done. I know I've spent my days watching her, teaching her. I've spent a good majority of the last 4 months just watching, she is a wonder. She is precious and she warms ny heart.

She sleeps 8 hours and I long for her to wake. Such a change from the early days of being tired and wanting sleep. I almost wish I could go back and tell myself to enjoy the night feeds, they don't last forever. But I thought I had longer than this! I thought I had longer with Angus, I thought we had life. Well we had life, his but I thought we would have all of mine. So now at night I peep, I linger a little longer before putting her to bed. When she is in bed my arms long to hold her.

Night feeds are the best! I lay there with her little face staring at me while she is nomming on my breasts. I can tell by her eyes she is happy, like me she enjoys these moments. There is no one else in the world, just us, in the moment. I am blessed, I know this and I treasure this. This child, having only been in my life 4 months, feels like she belongs. She is a piece of me, the best piece.

Three years ago..

I was sunning myself in Italy, with my friends, family and soon to be hubby. I was unaware of the heartache that would unfold. I look at my wedding photos and I don't recognise that girl. There's a sparkle in her eyes, it looks like hope and optimism. She's 23 and has a whole life to live, a life of happiness. Then there's me 26 and feeling like 40! It's amazing the physical toll losing a child has on you as well as the mental toll.

I wish I could reach inside and grab a handful of that girl, just a little bit of her sparkle. So I adjust my thinking in the hope it will help. Life has dealt me a crap hand but it has, to a degree dealt everyone crap hands. We cannot control everything but we can control our reaction to it. I will not be defined by my loss, it will not be who I am. I will no longer allow me to be knowing as the woman who lost a baby. I am someone more than this, yes that is a massive part of me. But I'm also the woman who, when all reason told her not to immediately got pregnant again. I'm the woman who has spent many months grieving for one child and being happy for another. Strength isn't a choice, it's a necessity! The world doesn't stop turning because I've lost a child or because I'm having a bad day.

I look at my beautiful daughter, what a gift indeed. I owe her happiness, I owe her everything I've got. She deserves nothing but laughter and love. She is what matters, not my past, not who I was, but her. I must be the person I want her to become. I accept it now, I accept Angus is gone and although it breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes as I type I accept it is time to move forward. I will always grieve his loss, he will always be part of me. I am not moving on, I am moving forwards.

"A year is more than enough"

<p>I was at the Dr for my postnatal check, what a waste of time she checked nothing not even my bp! She prescribed me birth control that I didn't ask for and didn't want. A few week prior to this I had got a breastfeeding safe pill but it didn't agree with me. I said I didn't want another, she didn't listen. She went on to tell me I should think about bottles and formula, so I can go on the combined pill. My daughter at exactly 7 week old weighed 11lb 14oz, that was only yesterday! I expressed that I wished to go to at least a year to which I was told "a year is more than enough". Then why does WHO recommend 2 years? If this is what a Dr thinks then what does society think? Well I know what  they think. They think boobs are for page 3 and selling cars not for feeding children in public! I am aware not everyone thinks that way, there are those who respect the breast. But still my bloody Dr! Should I not be encouraged? I don't want praise for feeding my child, I don't get praised for feeding myself, breastfeeding is no different. But I'd like it to be up to me or Roo when I stop. I won't stop because she's pushing a pill to stop me getting pregnant. I told her straight "I've lost a child, I'll take a fertilize egg where I can get one."

She then asked about Angus, asked how I was coping. It felt like she was prodding a wound, hoping it would bleed, willing me cry so she could say I've got pnd and prescribe me antidepressant, I think they're on commission! I feel like people are waiting on me to crumble, to admit defeat and say I can't cope. Truth is I can and I am. I'm doing it with little to none family support. I'm doing it without many friends because they feel uncomfortable with my loss. Perhaps it reminds them of their own mortality or perhaps they are really bad friends!

So this is what it feels like to have people waiting on you ti fall, expecting it. Well guess what people, it's not happening, I've a beautiful baby girl who keeps me strong and yes I deeply miss my son and I won't lie I don't think I've come to terms with his death but lets face it, could you?

Little green light

There's a little green light, it's drives me nuts but it keeps me sane. This little green light flashes every time our daughter breathes or moves. At night when she is settled in her cot, I stare at this little green light waiting on the next flash. Holding my breath, willing it to flash. Sometimes it lingers a little longer, it's not flashing. I hear a grunt and then it flashes. Who knows what that little person does at night, in her sleep but she sure does give mama a fright.

I watch this little green light as I drift off to sleep, I swear I see it in my dreams! Each morning I'm thankful we made it through the night before. Each morning I'm thankful my child is alive. Other mothers are thankful for a lie in, I however am thankful to be woke at 2am, 4am, 6am or whenever she so wishes to wake. The sound of her stirring, of her dreaming, is music to my ears. Each time I pick her up to feed her, I stare at her beauty, the peacefulness in her face. I sit with my hand on her chest feeling every breath. I wish I had taken each moment, each breath Angus took and treasured it. But you never think you will need to remember what it felt like to feel your child breathe, until he stops.

First entry in a while

So, I've been so busy I haven't blogged in a while. I didn't even blog about Angus' birthday. I feel rather guilty. On his birthday however we released balloons. a white dove one and 3 blue ones, each had a message on. The tags for the messages were blue butterflies each one had wild flower sees in them so when they land they plant the seeds and flowers grow. Fitting I'd say. The day was rather emotional. Made slightly better because we had Ruby there.

I'm loving being a mama to a child I can hold but I feel so guilty at time because Angus isn't my every thought and then I get upset and cry. Which is often followed by more guilt because I'm upset when I have a perfectly healthy, happy child to look after. When we lost Angus and decided to try for a second baby I don't think I fully thought it through. Yes I desperately wanted a child but I didn't for one second consider the emotional impact it would have on me. The conflict of emotions is overwhelming. But you do what you can. I treasure every stinking nappy, every little smile. The feel of her warm skin on him and I try and block out that the last time I held Angus he was so cold.

When Ruby sleeps I sometimes put my hand on her chest to see if she's ok, we have the monitors but it's like it's not enough. When she sleeps she looks like Angus did only he was dead. As morbid (is that the right word?!) as it is. When he was dead he looked sleeping, there's a part of my brain that rationalises it as if he looked sleeping when he was dead she can be dead but look sleeping. I sometimes struggle to knock these thoughts from my head. I have a strong baby we always knew that. From the first kick we knew A. she was a girl, B. she was strong and C. she was going to be trouble. Two of those are true and so far she's no trouble but give it time lol.

Being an angel/rainbow mama is hard, it's a mind trip, it's a rollercoster of emotions that don't end when you hold that baby. It f**ks you up and makes you a bit crazy. But I need to focus on her, on our rainbow, our sunshine. The person that saved me and made me almost complete again.