IUGR

It sat there in black and white IURG, I saw it and it hit me. Inter uterine growth restriction. Why did this upset me? We knew Abby had stopped growing, but seeing IUGR on my discharge letter made me cry. I couldn't grow my baby, my body failed her, my body nearly killed her. Where did it go wrong? Ruby was an average 7lb 2oz, Angus on 5lb 14oz, did this happen with him too?

I have spent a week or so questioning,  blaming myself, hating myself. But thanks to modern technology and medicine Abby is here, alive and well albeit small. So I didn't get to put her first nappy on, her first outfit,  I didn't get to hold her first. But I get to hold her for life, I got to meet her 3 weeks early. This time is extra time with her, we got to be a family a little sooner than planned. I didn't grow her as well as I grew Ruby but I nurtured her. I carried her, I loved her from the second I knew she was in there just as I did her brother and sister. She was born from love, she will grow with love, she is love. I could dwell on the negative and become negative or I can bask in the love she provides.

Abby Victoria Wu

l haven't blogged in a long time, not once during my pregnancy with Abby. So here is her birth story. 

On Thursday the 13th February I was 36 weeks and 5 days pregnant, we went for our weekly scan. We knew this appointment was the decider, she had been breech since 28 weeks. We had fought with the choice of ecv (to manually turn her) or section. I had spent 3 weeks doing all sorts to turn her but she wasn't for turning. Ecv has it's risks, I flitted back and fourth, I wanted another natural labour,  I had done the other two so well. 

So we went for our scan, at this point I'd been having weekly scans since 32 weeks as fluid was low and Abbys growth had slowed. I was having a ctg twice a week too. During the scan the sonographer checked my notes,  I knew it wasn't good. Looking back Iassume she thought she made a mistake with measurements since there was no change. We waited on her doing the report then saw our consultant, he was waiting, that is never good. We sat down and he just got to it, 'the baby needs to come out and I'm afraid it needs to be a section'. I cried. He explained there was no growth in two weeks,  she was small and fluid was low, no good would come of leaving her inside. I asked if our baby would die, he said probably not,  but if he left me to have a natural labour we would be high risk for a still birth. We assumed it would be the following week as thr only do elective sections on a Tuesday and Thursday.  He went away to see about booking me in, came back and said Sunday. We were shocked, but obviously that's how important it was she come out. I was given steroids there and then and another shot on Friday after my ctg. Another ctg Saturday and paperwork for the section.

Andys brother and his girlfriend came down to watch Ruby on the Sunday.  I cried leaving her, I'd never left her longer than a few hours. It was 8am and I knew I wouldn't see her for 12 hours. We went to the hospital,  checked in and got ready. We waited, what seemed like forever.  Our friend and midwife Lynn came in for us and I'm so glad she was there. There was an emergency section that went in before me and at around 11am Andy and I were walking along holding hands on the way to meet our baby. I gave him a kiss knowing or lives were about to change. I went through and he went to get scrubs on, which he was very excited about.

I instantly cried, I sat on the table sobbing as Lynn tried to calm me. I begged her not to let my baby die, it was just 8 days after Angus 3rd birthday, 5 days after the day he died and 2 daysnafter his due date. We planned this pregnancy to avoid these dates,  yet here we were moments from meeting our 3rd baby in 3 years. We didn't know what state she would be in when she came out, the resuscitation trolly was set up. They has estimated her weight at 2kg (4.4lb) and I honestly thought she may not make it. This was the moment our lives would change, would we have more live babies than dead babies?

They got the drip in, and started doing the spinal it wasnt sore just felt weird. I lay down and my legs started to tingle. They tested if I could lift them, if I could feel the cold spray. I was numb up to my nipples! They put a big screen up, that's all I could see, Andy  then came in looking handsome in his scrubs. I was told they had started, Andy held my hand and I felt calm but I felt scared. Waiting what seemed a life time the dr said 'one leg out' she was breech, we knew that. Other leg and bum followed then her head. It seemed like forever till she cried but she did. It was a girl! Ruby had wanted to call her Abby (Sesame St) and we gave her Victoria after my friend Vicki. She got shown to Andy then taken away to be checked,  she let out the odd cry and I prayed she was ok.  I cried, they brought her over and I held her. The dr said he wanted to take her to neonatal as a precaution.  5lb 2oz, bigger than they thought and she looked like Ruby. They took her and I cried, it seemed so wrong. With Angus and Ruby the first hands on them were mine, I guided them out and put them to my chest. Poor Abby was yanked out head last by a stranger then taken from me. I went into recovery, lynn got Abby back with a bit of a fight. She came through in a cot, dressed in pink! Someone else had put her first nappy on, her first outfit wasn't the one I had picked. It broke my heart but we had skin to skin for 2 hours as I fed her. I was due to go back to the ward but neonatal wouldn't let me take Abby. Babies under 2.4kg (she was 2.3) needed blood sugars checked every 4 hours. I begged them to do it on the ward but the dr said no. So I went back, empty handed neither of my girls with me, broken.

I sent Andy home for lunch and to check Ruby.  I was all alone, I had some tea amd toast and let my friends know. I watched the clock, waiting. It was nearly 2 hours till she came back. They brought her round in a hot cot,  as she was small they were concerned she couldn't regulate her temperature.  I held her and covered us bith in blankets, hot cot pah! Mama was all she needed. We snuggled and fed and I took in every detail of her. This little girl dressed in pink (much to my disgust!) She was beautiful she was ours. I had put all wants and fears aside and did what any mother would to ensure a live baby. It hsd turned out good, I was sore but happy. Ruby came to visit after dinner, she was so happy,  her face lit up.

The next 24 hours were a blur of feeding, keeping her warm and ensuring her blood sugars didn't drop. We got home on Tuesday morning after she only lost 4oz, it felt amazing to start life with my rainbow girls. It wasn't how we planned but clearly Abby needed to take the less stressful route out. She is thriving and settled in well. 

Sleep

My baby mostly gets 8 hours sleep, but mama doesn't. Why? Because I'm a peeper! I stare at her in amazement, wondering what little thing she is learning in her sleep. I watch her hand open and close as she practices grasping. Her little lips make a suckling motion as she dreams of milk. Her expressions chance, she grimices and smiles. She is a little under 4 months old, 4 months have flown by. I wonder where the time has gone and what I've done. I know I've spent my days watching her, teaching her. I've spent a good majority of the last 4 months just watching, she is a wonder. She is precious and she warms ny heart.

She sleeps 8 hours and I long for her to wake. Such a change from the early days of being tired and wanting sleep. I almost wish I could go back and tell myself to enjoy the night feeds, they don't last forever. But I thought I had longer than this! I thought I had longer with Angus, I thought we had life. Well we had life, his but I thought we would have all of mine. So now at night I peep, I linger a little longer before putting her to bed. When she is in bed my arms long to hold her.

Night feeds are the best! I lay there with her little face staring at me while she is nomming on my breasts. I can tell by her eyes she is happy, like me she enjoys these moments. There is no one else in the world, just us, in the moment. I am blessed, I know this and I treasure this. This child, having only been in my life 4 months, feels like she belongs. She is a piece of me, the best piece.

Three years ago..

I was sunning myself in Italy, with my friends, family and soon to be hubby. I was unaware of the heartache that would unfold. I look at my wedding photos and I don't recognise that girl. There's a sparkle in her eyes, it looks like hope and optimism. She's 23 and has a whole life to live, a life of happiness. Then there's me 26 and feeling like 40! It's amazing the physical toll losing a child has on you as well as the mental toll.

I wish I could reach inside and grab a handful of that girl, just a little bit of her sparkle. So I adjust my thinking in the hope it will help. Life has dealt me a crap hand but it has, to a degree dealt everyone crap hands. We cannot control everything but we can control our reaction to it. I will not be defined by my loss, it will not be who I am. I will no longer allow me to be knowing as the woman who lost a baby. I am someone more than this, yes that is a massive part of me. But I'm also the woman who, when all reason told her not to immediately got pregnant again. I'm the woman who has spent many months grieving for one child and being happy for another. Strength isn't a choice, it's a necessity! The world doesn't stop turning because I've lost a child or because I'm having a bad day.

I look at my beautiful daughter, what a gift indeed. I owe her happiness, I owe her everything I've got. She deserves nothing but laughter and love. She is what matters, not my past, not who I was, but her. I must be the person I want her to become. I accept it now, I accept Angus is gone and although it breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes as I type I accept it is time to move forward. I will always grieve his loss, he will always be part of me. I am not moving on, I am moving forwards.

"A year is more than enough"

<p>I was at the Dr for my postnatal check, what a waste of time she checked nothing not even my bp! She prescribed me birth control that I didn't ask for and didn't want. A few week prior to this I had got a breastfeeding safe pill but it didn't agree with me. I said I didn't want another, she didn't listen. She went on to tell me I should think about bottles and formula, so I can go on the combined pill. My daughter at exactly 7 week old weighed 11lb 14oz, that was only yesterday! I expressed that I wished to go to at least a year to which I was told "a year is more than enough". Then why does WHO recommend 2 years? If this is what a Dr thinks then what does society think? Well I know what  they think. They think boobs are for page 3 and selling cars not for feeding children in public! I am aware not everyone thinks that way, there are those who respect the breast. But still my bloody Dr! Should I not be encouraged? I don't want praise for feeding my child, I don't get praised for feeding myself, breastfeeding is no different. But I'd like it to be up to me or Roo when I stop. I won't stop because she's pushing a pill to stop me getting pregnant. I told her straight "I've lost a child, I'll take a fertilize egg where I can get one."

She then asked about Angus, asked how I was coping. It felt like she was prodding a wound, hoping it would bleed, willing me cry so she could say I've got pnd and prescribe me antidepressant, I think they're on commission! I feel like people are waiting on me to crumble, to admit defeat and say I can't cope. Truth is I can and I am. I'm doing it with little to none family support. I'm doing it without many friends because they feel uncomfortable with my loss. Perhaps it reminds them of their own mortality or perhaps they are really bad friends!

So this is what it feels like to have people waiting on you ti fall, expecting it. Well guess what people, it's not happening, I've a beautiful baby girl who keeps me strong and yes I deeply miss my son and I won't lie I don't think I've come to terms with his death but lets face it, could you?

Little green light

There's a little green light, it's drives me nuts but it keeps me sane. This little green light flashes every time our daughter breathes or moves. At night when she is settled in her cot, I stare at this little green light waiting on the next flash. Holding my breath, willing it to flash. Sometimes it lingers a little longer, it's not flashing. I hear a grunt and then it flashes. Who knows what that little person does at night, in her sleep but she sure does give mama a fright.

I watch this little green light as I drift off to sleep, I swear I see it in my dreams! Each morning I'm thankful we made it through the night before. Each morning I'm thankful my child is alive. Other mothers are thankful for a lie in, I however am thankful to be woke at 2am, 4am, 6am or whenever she so wishes to wake. The sound of her stirring, of her dreaming, is music to my ears. Each time I pick her up to feed her, I stare at her beauty, the peacefulness in her face. I sit with my hand on her chest feeling every breath. I wish I had taken each moment, each breath Angus took and treasured it. But you never think you will need to remember what it felt like to feel your child breathe, until he stops.

First entry in a while

So, I've been so busy I haven't blogged in a while. I didn't even blog about Angus' birthday. I feel rather guilty. On his birthday however we released balloons. a white dove one and 3 blue ones, each had a message on. The tags for the messages were blue butterflies each one had wild flower sees in them so when they land they plant the seeds and flowers grow. Fitting I'd say. The day was rather emotional. Made slightly better because we had Ruby there.

I'm loving being a mama to a child I can hold but I feel so guilty at time because Angus isn't my every thought and then I get upset and cry. Which is often followed by more guilt because I'm upset when I have a perfectly healthy, happy child to look after. When we lost Angus and decided to try for a second baby I don't think I fully thought it through. Yes I desperately wanted a child but I didn't for one second consider the emotional impact it would have on me. The conflict of emotions is overwhelming. But you do what you can. I treasure every stinking nappy, every little smile. The feel of her warm skin on him and I try and block out that the last time I held Angus he was so cold.

When Ruby sleeps I sometimes put my hand on her chest to see if she's ok, we have the monitors but it's like it's not enough. When she sleeps she looks like Angus did only he was dead. As morbid (is that the right word?!) as it is. When he was dead he looked sleeping, there's a part of my brain that rationalises it as if he looked sleeping when he was dead she can be dead but look sleeping. I sometimes struggle to knock these thoughts from my head. I have a strong baby we always knew that. From the first kick we knew A. she was a girl, B. she was strong and C. she was going to be trouble. Two of those are true and so far she's no trouble but give it time lol.

Being an angel/rainbow mama is hard, it's a mind trip, it's a rollercoster of emotions that don't end when you hold that baby. It f**ks you up and makes you a bit crazy. But I need to focus on her, on our rainbow, our sunshine. The person that saved me and made me almost complete again.

This time last year...

I was sat happy and content, sure our little baby would be making an appearance in the next 48 hours, I didn't think he actually would. The memories that seemed so distant later last year and now so vivid, the run up to the labour, the labour, seeing him, holding him and being a mother. They won't stop playing in my head, the wont go away. He would be a year old tomorrow. I should be running around wrapping presents, finishing off the cake. Ah there is that word again *should*, not should Heidi stop saying that. Live life as it is not as it should be stop torturing yourself living in the alternate reality.

I know I'm blessed I have a wonderful husband and we have Ruby but I want both my babies, but I wont doesn't get, it certainly doesn't bring babies back from the dead! It's just another day, live it like any other it's just slightly more shit than some days have been. But I can't help but wonder what he would look like, would he walk, talk? Would he look as much like his daddy as he did? So much to wonder, so much to live with. I have Ruby but I can't help but be sad I don't have Angus. Play the hand you've been dealt Heidi to the best of your ability and if you break down and cry then fine, it's what's needed. He was a beautiful boy, it was a horrific loss, it's to be expected, don't put on a front just grieve.

I love you son xxx

Our rainbow

Well here we are, a week after our rainbow was born. At 05.11 on the 16th of January 2012, 6 days early like her big brother Ruby Ruth Wu was born. Yup Roo was a girl, mama really does know best! After a nice easy labour and deliver, yet again with no pain relief or gas and air we are thrilled she is here. We delayed cord clamping to ensure she got all the oxygen rich blood back into her body. It took 20 minutes and a further 60 to deliver the placenta (without the job). I'd wanted it to be as natural as possible, regardless of what had happened with Angus this was a different labour, a different baby. I'd already proved I could do it all in the way closest to nature that suited us. A helathy 7lb 6oz at birth, a shocker compared to the 5lb 14oz of Angus.

When she first came out my goodness she looked like Angus. But there was something different, she was chunkier, screaming and demanding to be fed! She just looked like she was here to stay and for that I'm thankful. It was eerily similar yet so different. Two different children who have moments when they look the same, but they couldn't look more different.

Ruby is breastfeeding beautifully, a healthy weight gain since the initial loss of only 6%, today a week later she's only got 1oz to go before being back at birth weight, weight day tomorrow! And yes I'm exhausted feeding on demand, but my god is it worth it to see those eyes open and look at you, knowing you've given her the best start, knowing she is thriving purely because of you. We are so in love with her, and fear though it still remains is by far out weighed by joy and love. The past 11 months since losing Angus have been so awful and yes we always had hope but now we can hold that hope in our arms, bath her, fed her and physically be with her. She is amazing, she is everything.

Andy is just fantastic with her, our family is complete once more. Our little rainbow is here and although the storm is still above us we have a beautiful bright rainbow.

loss and gain

This year I lost my baby, I lost friends and family because they felt awkward. They didn't know what to say so instead they said nothing, 10 months have past and from many of them, still nothing. I'm not close with most of my family, neither of my parents ever call to ask how I'm coping or ask how our baby is. I haven't spoken to them in months and I don't intend to again. You see when you lose a child you feel so alone, you feel like you're the only one in the world that's going through this. A simple text from a friend asking "how are you?" means so much. Over time the days became easier and when the grief started to lift a little I realised I was practically alone. I had my husband, my wonderful husband. I could talk for days on just how amazing he is! There's love and then there's love. He's my best friend my soul mate (if you believe in such a thing), he's the only person who knows what I'm going through because he's going through it too.

Our best friends, Ceri and Alan, where on earth would we be without them? The amount of support they have given and continue to give us is amazing. They arranged most of the funeral for us, how heartbreaking to do that for your best friends child. It's above and beyond and I know it broke their hearts.

We have such lovely friends, strangely all coupled off with each other. They have been wonderful I feel their excitement for Roo too. My husband has a wonderful family, his mother is so much like the mother I wish I had. From his family I've a beautiful sister, I cannot wait to see her holding Roo. I've got so much support from my family in law it warms my heart. My sister in law brought tears to my eyes as she welled up feeling Roo kick her. We have all those people and it is more than enough because those are the people who want to be around us. Those are the people that deserve to share the rainbow, to bask in the glow of our upcoming sunshine.

There are people I've lost touch with, people who still feel awkward around me. Perhaps they do not like the person I've become. I didn't choose to become this person, I didn't choose this path. It was forced upon me so I walk it the best I can. I needed those people and they failed me, I won't lie it hurt and sometimes it still does. I'd love to have a close family (from my side) but I've accepted it won't happen, I've made my peace with that. This year has shown who my true friends are, they have stepped up and some have done more then I'd ever have asked for. Some have crossed the road and pretended I didn't exist. And then there are my new friends...

Some of the most amazing women I've ever known and I wouldn't have met them other wise. These people while dealing with grief themselves take the time to ask "how are you?" They try so hard to bring a smile to your face when their hearts are breaking too. They understand what you are saying even when you can't get the words out. They are my angel mummy friends, they are beautiful people with pure loving souls. I could sit here and name them all but they know who they are. These are the people I talk to every day when I have friends who live along the road and don't speak with for weeks. It's strange the bond we have, no one really wants it. We don't want to be in this boat together but we are and we are glad we are together. Being stuck in hell with loving friends is far better than being stuck down there alone.

So anyways, I ramble on about what I've lost but to give it balance I add what I have gained and while nothing can ever balance out the loss of a child it makes a small difference to my day. I hope next year is nothing but happiness, happiness, dirty nappies and hugs from our little Roo. I'm ready to take on the lack of sleep the mountains of washing reusable nappies and the mess because it's what I've longed for so very very much.

I miss our little boy.

Last night we put the Christmas tree up, we hung some lovely decorations for Angus,

The second one was made by a lovely friend of mine. It just makes me so sad as I sit here and look at my tree, wondering what Angus would make of it all. he's be 10 months old and I just know he would be pulling the decorations down. It's so hard to imagine living the rest of my life without him. It's been over 10 months since we last held him and told him how much we loved him. His beautiful little face, lifeless and cold. I look at the pictures we have up of him and that's how I want to remember him. His cute little nose and his daddys eyes. Such a gorgeous child, such a blessing. I long to look into those eyes just one more time and see that sparkle. I miss him so so much. I'm not excited for Christmas, I was last year. I'll not make that mistake again, being fooled into thinking this time next year I'll have a child.

It sounds awful to say doesn't it, people are shocked when I tell them that's how I feel. But I know all too well that it can be taken from you in a second, all the planning, the wanting and aspirations. One day it's all there and then it's gone. No nightmare can ever compare to losing a child, I'm living my worst fear, my worst nightmare is my life. And yes there are elements of hope, we have a little kicking bump. Our beautiful little Roo, I don't take a second for granted this may be all I have of her. The thing about fears is they say face them to get over them. If you're scared of spiders you can be cured, if you fear losing a child and you lose a child you're not over that fear, you're forever scared you will lose another child. I can't stand that thought, I push it to the back of my mind but it's still there, that little niggle, that little "what if?"

There are 3 people I love most in this world, I made two of them with the other one of them! No matter what happens these are the ones that count. My husband and our children. We have almost made it through this tough year and I pray next year is filled with more joy than heartache. Little Angus won't be here for his first birthday and it breaks my heart, I miss him, I miss him so much I just have to look at his pictures and I cry. He should be with me, having snuggles and watching frozen planet! I really need to stop saying should, I should have a different life, I don't, just accept it Heidi. I'm not sure I can ever accept that he isn't here.

Random act of kindness

After reading Small Bird Studio 12 days of Christmas with you in heaven, day 5 I decided to do this one. Basically I'm asking friends, family, anyone who reads this to do something nice for someone else. It can be anything, from helping someone carry their shopping to the car to donating a present to a children's ward. Anything that is a selfless act you wouldn't usually do. The idea is that you do a random act of kindness in memory of our son. Once you have done your act email me at heidi@heidiwu.co.uk and tell me what you have done. I will then, on Christmas eve print them all out (without peeking) and put them in a little blue stocking for Angus. On Christmas day my husband and I will read each one and know that each kind act preformed was in memory of our little boy. This is a gift not only for us but for yourselves and the person you help with your act. I'm a firm believer that is giving not receiving that warms the heart. I thank you in advance for taking part should you wish to do so and thank you for helping keep Angus' memory alive at this difficult time of year for us.

I'm going to say it,

I'm going to say it, I don't believe in tempting fate so I'm going to just say. We're having a baby! We are going to have a baby and we are going to cope just fine. A turn of events huh? Today we went for the resus training, I won't lie there were tears. We both now feel confident about it. The woman was lovely and made us feel at ease, we were told that breathing for the baby is enough. Chances are the babys heart is healthy, it's pumping the blood round but there isn't any fresh oxygen getting in so we must breathe for the baby. With the monitor we will get we know that it's been a maximum of 20 seconds since the baby last took a breath, we know what to do and I feel we can cope now.

She showed us a little baby girl called Ruby she was born just yesterday at 32 weeks, that's how many weeks pregnant I am. Amazing to see this little girl the same size as what little Roo is, for a second I wonder how that baby can fit inside her mummy, I'm then kicked by Roo and I remember. It's a tight fit lol. Little Ruby has the apnoea monitor on, just a little box that is going to save us a whole lot of sleepless nights! It clicks away with every breath and her chest rises and falls ever so slightly. I look at her with admiration and rub my bump. It all seems real, it's so close I can almost touch it, our future. We're having a baby a little baby, a beautiful little baby whom we will watch grow up. Screw fate I'm saying it, we're having a baby, a forever baby and when that monitor alarms, which it will (more than likely a false alarm) our hearts will race and we will panic but we will cope even if when we get to Roo there is a cheeky little face peeping back at us, even if we need to do CPR we will cope. We're having a baby, we're having a baby.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a Wednesday, the day I've been dreading since finding out we were pregnant. Tomorrow is our resuscitation training. I know we need to do it to be prepared, but I'm a nurse I know CPR but when you're faced with your 3 day old baby who isn't breathing all focus goes out the window. We had to give our baby CPR and tomorrow we will be forced to relive those awful moments so that should our next child stop breathing we know what to do. I will be educationally ready but will I ever be emotionally ready to deal with that situation again? I think not. It's only and hour or so of our day, I will get on with it and do it because, like most of my days I have to. I have no choice it's just one of those things that needs done. Like getting up in the morning and doing the housework, shopping and such it is now a part of my life. A different life, a life I shouldn't be living but I am. I need to stop saying that, I need to stop saying I'm living a different life to what I should be. I need to accept this is my life now, I'm a mummy but I don't get to do mummy things, not yet. Please please be next year.

I'm ready for this baby, for Roo. Truth is I've been ready for a baby for a good year now, I was ready to mother Angus and I did. Though three short days I was his mama, I still am just in a different way. My job now as his mama is to keep his memory alive, to tell little Roo she has a big brother who loves her very much. I hope she grows to love him like I do. But can you love someone you never met? Someone who only lived for 3 days? I like to think so because our family didn't get to meet Angus and I like to think they love him, I'm sure they do I mean who wouldn't? That gorgeous little face, his daddys eyes, my nose, those kissable little lips.

I'm scared to see if Roo will look like Angus, it would break my heart but then part of me wants Roo to look like him. I think she will. I guess we just wait and see, wait and make no plans. Take each day as it comes and hope it's better than the last, hope our story gets a happy ending. Or is it a beginning? Who knows anymore I just hope our story goes on to get happier.

Today it hurts,

Today it hurts a little more than usual to think Christmas is around the corner. Last Christmas we made plans, looking at cute little Santa baby stuff and saying "won't the baby look cute in that next year". How foolish of me, how very stupid to expect I'd have a child right now. It hurts to think he isn't going to be here, it hurts to see he isn't here. My days should be very different, I should have a 9 month old son, we should be painting and baking cakes and making a mess. Instead I sit here in solitude, wondering if next year will be any different, or will I be missing two children? I'm often told not to be so negative, yet not one person that tells me that walks in my shoes. They haven't experienced losing a child, they seem to think by thinking positive everything will turn out ok. It doesn't, it hasn't and it might not. I miss my son, I miss him every second of the day. Being pregnant again isn't a magic fix like some people seem to think, yes I'm carrying another child and yes the chances of this one living are high but Angus is still gone. I still miss him, still love him and still want to hold him. Roo isn't a replacement, she's our second child but some people talk to me as if this were my first child. Little things they say, they may not even notice they have said it, but it hurts like a dagger through my heart.

I cannot help but dread Christmas, I cannot make plans for next year either because I just don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. This is our first Christmas without our son, I'd like to hide and pretend it isn't happening but it's not just about me. We have our family and our two nephews. I don't know how the day will be but perhaps I'll just be really tired and sleep a lot. I'll be 36 weeks pregnant on Christmas day, in a different reality I like to think we will be opening presents with our son. That somewhere out there, there is my husband, myself and Angus. We are happy, he's a beautiful big boy much like his daddy and cheeky like his mama. I'd get him some sort of monkey toy for Christmas because he is my little monkey. Him and his daddy. So while that version of our family are playing happy monkeys, I'll sleep and dream of that life.

11/11/11

Today is 11/11/11, remembrance day to remember those who lost their life in war. For me it's been exactly 9 months since my world ended. 9 months since I got up and dressed my son, fed him and sang to him. It's been 9 months since we saw the look on the Drs face and knew we would be going home without our boy. 9 months and I wonder where my friends are. It seem people only want to be around you when you're happy. When times get hard they run for the hills. Not just with losing a child, with anything really. I was talking to one of my few friends that hasn't done a runner. When her mum was ill a lot of her mums friends did the same. I have to wonder why this is? Why are the majority of peoples friends fair weather friends? When you need someone the most you turn around and they are gone, they don't pop round for tea, answer your calls or check how you are. Maybe it just shocks me because I'm the kind of person who would do anything for someone I care about and in return expect the same. As if losing Angus wasn't bad enough I've lost most of my friends and why? Because they don't know what to say, because I make them feel uncomfortable. Why should I care I'm dealing with enough. I shouldn't have to worry about how seeing me cry makes them feel, yet I do so I hold it in until it gets too much.

I can't do it any longer, these past few days/weeks it's come to the surface. I've broken down more times than I can count just at anything. Things no one would ever link together but to me they matter. It's time to be thankful for the few proper stand by me in any weather friends I have and forget the rest. A woman on Facebook I've come to know since losing Angus has been sharing poems she wrote when she lost her little girl. She wrote this one about friends. At times it sounds harsh but in reality it's how she felt and I think many people who have lost a child can relate.

To the 'friend' that passed me in the street
You should hang your head in shame
You didn't even say "hello"
Didn't ask me how I am

Before I lost my baby
I thought that we were close
People may ignore me
But it's YOUR actions that hurt the most!

How do you think I feel?
Thinking you don't care
If I don't have you to turn to
I get support from where?

You may not know what to say
That, I understand
But the way that you now treat me
You'd think I had this planned!

I'm not asking you to go through it
Or to feel my pain
But the fact that you dont even talk now
Hurts me just the same

I guess our friendship is over
Our closeness has reached it's end
Infact I'm so damn angry
I no longer want YOU as my friend

I didn't ask to lose my child
I'm not the one to blame
And so my new enemy
GO HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME!

Author: Christie Wildman

9 months ago I had love and friendship in my life. People always appear at the birth of a child, wanting to hold them. For Roo I'll be careful to let only those that deserve it be a part of her life. She will know love, pure unconditional love.

Sometimes I'm not me.

Sometimes I'm not me, I'm a wife, I'm a pregnant woman, I'm a mother who lost a child. I don't remember who I am any more, who "me" really is. I don't remember the last time I giggled uncontrollably or the last time I looked at my husbands eyes and didn't see our sons. I don't remember the last time I wasn't scared of losing a child. I lost Angus and I lost myself. Truth be told I lost myself years ago but that wasn't a happy me so she was better off lost. I became a new me and I was happier, I felt safer and I loved being me. I feel the last 9 months have broken me, like the rocks on the beach I too have been beaten and worn down by the rain and wind. The weather of life has ground away at my soul, my light.

I like to think that 2012 will see a different me, a happier me but I don't dare promise myself that it will. I don't know what next year will bring, it may just be more upset and misery. I try to live in the sunlight, enjoy each moment our little baby kicks, I rub my bump and smile. Talking to our baby knowing every second is precious. But I can't help wonder in the back of my mind, when is it going to come crashing down? When will my bubble burst? I know it's negative, I try to tell people how I feel and all the do is point out how negative I sound. No one can fix me, what do I expect? They don't understand. I'm in a boat along with other women who understand, those are the ones I can talk to. But I want to be able to talk to my other friends the ones I see day to day, I want them to see me as I am not as I was. I want them to look at me, really look at me so they can see I'm not the same person I was last year. I pretend sometimes that I am. We walk down the street and I stop myself from looking at little babies and drifting off. I pretend I'm not wondering at that second what life would be like with Angus here because the truth is they don't really want to hear it. They don't want to see it. Hell I don't want to live it but the difference for me is I can't pretend any more. I'm broken, I'll never heal. This is the new me and the sad fact is the new me isn't all fun and games any more. I hold my friends children and we play together, I don't look any different but inside I'm crying, my heart is aching.

I'm rambling now not sure where this is going much like my life! I pray to a god I'm not sure exists and ask that our child be let to live. That we can watch Roo grow up and prove how great we can be as parents. Nothing else matter but this little baby and my husband. This is my focus now. No more pretending it's ok, just block it out and focus Heidi, hope that we get our happy ending. Believe that our love is enough to get through this.

89 days

We are down to 89 days until our EDD, while excited I'm ever so nervous. Roo is such an active little baby I think that's her way of reassuring me. It's like every little kick is her saying "it's ok mama, I'm here to stay". I don't remember Angus being this active, perhaps I now pay more attention to it, maybe I took it for granted with Angus after a while. But while at the beginning my pregnancies seemed so similar with such awful sickness I'm starting to see the little differences. Both my babies have such different personalities, Angus was calm and relaxed rather content like his daddy. Roo however is much more active, non-stop at times more like me, oh dear we could be in for a handful! I love this little child so much, every passing day I feel more and more connected. I feared before falling pregnant that I wouldn't connect, that I wouldn't love our next baby in the same way due to the fear of another loss. But from the moment I saw her on the screen at 6+5 weeks I was smitten! Nothing more than a sac and a bean with a rapid heartbeat, but to us she was our rainbow, our future, our child. Like Angus she was made with love a pure love.

My husband has been fantastic, without him I'd be lost. I have only admiration and love for him, I want nothing more than to give him children and make him happy. I love him all the more because he's given me Angus and Roo. While both are not here yet and one never will be here again, they are our babies. My life is filled with much love and all things considered I am happy. I cannot wait to hold this much loved, much wanted baby. This beautiful rainbow, oh how life will change. I pray we aren't changed the same way that we were by Angus, there are no promises I know that. Having a baby doesn't mean bringing up a child but we must think positive and little Roo seems to know something as she kicks the laptop as I type. The cheeky little monkey! She is my whole world, our whole world all warm and snug inside my womb, we will see you soon little Roo.

Drowning

Sometimes I feel I'm drowning in a sea of tears. My arms long to feel the weight of our son, I've forgotten what he felt like. I remember what he smelt like, is that really the smell of is it my mind trying tot trick me as a way of comfort? He was 5lb 14oz when he was born and I long to feel him once more, to hold him and look at his perfect little face that looked so much like his daddys. Yet I can't look at pictures of him without feeling such pain, a feeling of being lost and wanting to die. Even now 8 months on I still grieve for him and I still have such raw feelings as it if were only yesterday. Of course I don't want to die, I have my husband and Roo. My wonderful husband, there are no words to describe him. He's been everything to me, he always has been but more so since we lost our son.

There aren't any words to describe what happens to your world when you lose a child. I have never really spoken about the way it felt, the things I thought when I found out he was gone. I remember clearly that Friday when we got home from the hospital. I went upstairs to shower while our friends removed anything baby and hid it in the nursery. I remember standing in the shower crying and screaming at that moment I wanted only one thing, my son back. I knew I'd never get him back he was gone and it was at that moment I wanted nothing more that to die, to be with him again, forever. What saved my was my husband, over the next few days/weeks there were moments where I would sob my heart out and proclaim my need to die. He looked at me, so calmly and said "it hurts me when you say that". It was at that moment I saw my need for the world to stop as selfish, although deep down I know I'd never harm myself I was worried about moments when I was alone and these thoughts consumed me. But to hear him say that, he was hurting and I was hurting him more. He'd lost his son and he needed his wife. That man is everything to me, him, our angel and this precious little one I'm carrying.

October is babyloss awareness month with this week in particular being important. On Saturday the 15th at 7pm there is a "wave of light" where we ask people to light a candle and leave it burning for at least one hour and to think of all the babies gone too soon. This week has been difficult for me with it being babyloss awareness month, our 8 month mark and my husband being in America. My little sister sent me a picture of a photo of our son and a candle. She's working tomorrow so has lit her candle today, she sent me the picture and asked if she could put it on facebook in memory of Angus. How lovely is that! I'm not alone in remembering Angus, she has pictures of him on her bedroom wall just like she does with her other 2 nephews, although those pictures will never be replaced with ones as he gets older. I hope that once Roo arrives she will still have ones of Angus up. We have two children and although some may not see it that way as neither is here we do. Angus is as much a part of our lives as Roo and always will be.

8 months since we said goodbye

It's been 8 months now since we said goodbye. This time 8 months ago daddy was taking pictures of you, I was cuddling you and you were wide awake with such beautiful dark brown eyes. Little did we know a few hours later those eyes would never open again, that we would never feel the warmth of your skin. The last time we held you, you were cold and silent wrapped in a blanket that wasn't yours. I haven't returned to that hospital, I don't think I ever could.

That last cuddle we had I treasure so much, something I know a woman is longing to have, a cuddle with her child. She has 3 boys none of which she got to cuddle as they were so fragile when they were born fast asleep. I'm sure you know them and I hope you're playing nice. I wonder what you'd be like now at 8 months old. I think you'd have your daddys smarts and cheeky like mama. What a combination, smart enough to get away with anything cheeky and naughty. I don't think I could ever be mad at anything you ever did, not with those eyes, with your daddys lips. You were very much your daddys son. I always thought newborn babies all look the same, until I held you and saw you looked like us 50% mama 50% daddy. Even now I look at newborns and they all look different. It hurts sometimes to see little babies, knowing you should be here, knowing we have been denied that future. We're on a different path now, living a different life with a different child. A very much wanted and loved child, just like you Angus. We wanted you so much we loved you so much from first glance.

The same is true of Roo, a 6 weeks scan showed a little sac and not much more than a little bean with a flickering heart beat only 2mm big in total and my how we fell in love right there and then. Our love for you amplifies our love for Roo. Every day I'm becoming more and more aware of how precious your sibling is and I was already rather alert to this fact. But as time passes I realise it more, I worry more. I worried with you, but not as much. Worrying will not change things, the outcome will be what it will be. With you it wasn't the outcome anyone would have ever wanted. But we were bless my love, 3 days to hold you, to feed you, to bathe you. Something that not everyone gets. Although we are cursed to have to taken from us, we are bless to have known you and to love you. We love you so much, please my son look after the other little boys and girls, specially Gabriele, welcome him with open arms and a warm heart.