Today I heard some news that made me cry. I have a friend whom I met after we lost Angus. She lost twin boys at 25+2 weeks. She's as wonderful friend, a wonderful person. A loving, kind and caring person. She's currently 24 weeks pregnant and today she was told 'the outlook for this pregnancy is extremely poor, she has Chronic Histiocytic Intervillositis (CHI). This link is to a facebook page with only 50 members, 50 members who have lost children to the same thing. It is so rare they don't know what causes it! Her little baby is still small for how many weeks pregnant she is, and doesn't move a great deal. There is a high probability that it will reoccur and a high rate of fetal mortality.
I pray for her and ask you do the same. Send love, send positive vibes, just stop and think about her and her baby, her babies. Please pray that her little baby puts on some weight so that she can deliver this baby and give it a fighting chance. Please pray that this world isn't as cold and cruel as we think it is. Pray that a mother can take home her child.
My love is with her, her husband and their child.
Friday, 16 September 2011
Thursday, 8 September 2011
20 weeks and 7 months
7 months ago today we held our son for the first time, a memory I hold so dearly. 7 months ago today he first came home and slept in his moses basket. Today I washed the bedding on the basket, the little jungle animal cover in which my son slept, in which he passed. I decided it was time after a successful 20 week and 3 day scan yesterday where we saw our beautiful second child wriggling around and playing his his/her feet, yawning away and basically being very active.
We call this baby a girl although we don't know and her nickname is Roo. Well we have a Roo blanket which belonged to Angus, he came home from the hospital in it and was promptly sick while daddy was holding him! That blanket is also in the wash along with about 40 reusable nappies! I cried my eyes out as I spoke to Angus hoping he understood why I needed to do this. You see I want Roo to have as many connections to Angus as she can. I had thought about not washing the moses basket cover but what if something were to happen to Roo I'd never forgive myself and for my whole life I'd think it was because of that. I know it sounds silly but when we lost Angus I was convinced that it was because we got him a blue blanket and didn't wash it! Turns out not every parent washes everything they give to their child to wear or to sleep in. So this stuff is in the wash and although sad I'm at peace with my choice to wash them now. Today I feel strong enough to do so, empowered perhaps by knowing Roo is safe and happy. I think at which ever point I decided to wash these things I'd cry, it's emotional to me and I feel very proud that I can take that positive step. I haven't washed the one blue blanket and the one boy outfit he wore (he has another boy outfit which is in a memory box, the rest of the time was unisex stuff, which my best friend washed just after we lost him, although sad at the time I'm thankful she did so). I shall wash them should we have a boy as the outfit I just have a need to see a happy boy in a boy who's older than 3 days, who's alive and healthy. I don't expect people to understand it but it's important to me.
So today is 7 months since our son was born and I'm 20 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I'm at peace but I'm sad, I'm happy but I'm not complete. I have moved forward but I'm stuck.
We call this baby a girl although we don't know and her nickname is Roo. Well we have a Roo blanket which belonged to Angus, he came home from the hospital in it and was promptly sick while daddy was holding him! That blanket is also in the wash along with about 40 reusable nappies! I cried my eyes out as I spoke to Angus hoping he understood why I needed to do this. You see I want Roo to have as many connections to Angus as she can. I had thought about not washing the moses basket cover but what if something were to happen to Roo I'd never forgive myself and for my whole life I'd think it was because of that. I know it sounds silly but when we lost Angus I was convinced that it was because we got him a blue blanket and didn't wash it! Turns out not every parent washes everything they give to their child to wear or to sleep in. So this stuff is in the wash and although sad I'm at peace with my choice to wash them now. Today I feel strong enough to do so, empowered perhaps by knowing Roo is safe and happy. I think at which ever point I decided to wash these things I'd cry, it's emotional to me and I feel very proud that I can take that positive step. I haven't washed the one blue blanket and the one boy outfit he wore (he has another boy outfit which is in a memory box, the rest of the time was unisex stuff, which my best friend washed just after we lost him, although sad at the time I'm thankful she did so). I shall wash them should we have a boy as the outfit I just have a need to see a happy boy in a boy who's older than 3 days, who's alive and healthy. I don't expect people to understand it but it's important to me.
So today is 7 months since our son was born and I'm 20 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I'm at peace but I'm sad, I'm happy but I'm not complete. I have moved forward but I'm stuck.
Thursday, 25 August 2011
Nearly half way
I'm almost 19 weeks pregnant now and looking forward to our next scan. Roo is a very active baby always kicking and responds well to daddys voice. I think we have a daddys girl on our hands! Although I sometimes struggle with being pregnant again I feel so blessed to have Roo. She reminds me that although filled with darkness there is also light in the world. I feel confident that Roo is our forever baby, the one we get to watch grow up, teach how to bake cakes and how to tie her laces.
I always find it strange when I think of children, a little blank canvas to make into a person. A person who will go out in the world and be someone, someone special. I want our children to love, if nothing else just to love and to be loved and above all be happy. We have saw the greatest of tragedies but we have known the greatest of loves. To have two children one to arrive soon the other has been and gone. Both of which we hold dearly in our hearts with an overwhelming love, a love I've never felt before.
I always find it strange when I think of children, a little blank canvas to make into a person. A person who will go out in the world and be someone, someone special. I want our children to love, if nothing else just to love and to be loved and above all be happy. We have saw the greatest of tragedies but we have known the greatest of loves. To have two children one to arrive soon the other has been and gone. Both of which we hold dearly in our hearts with an overwhelming love, a love I've never felt before.
Thursday, 21 July 2011
Growing a rainbow
On Tuesday the 19th of July we saw our second child for the 3rd time. The first time was at 6+5 weeks old where there really wasn't much more than a yolk sac and a beating heart, but oh how that beating heart gave us such hope. The second time was at 9+4 weeks and sure enough there was a little baby minus the limbs a yolk sac and a beating heart. At 13+2 weeks (Tuesday)there was a baby, a proper looking baby with such a strong heartbeat! This scan was so different to that of my scan with Angus, for the first one I was 10 weeks and we didn't get a great picture and the second at 20 weeks he looked like my perfect little son but was too much like his daddy and spent the whole time sleeping! But Roo (as we call this baby) was awake, oh my was she awake! She had the hiccups and every so often would jump up! She waved her little hands at mama and daddy and kicked her little feet in preparation for kicking me in the ribs in a few months! Oh it was a sight to see I cried with such relief. I haven't seen my husband light up that much since he first held Angus.
I have come to know the term rainbow baby. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. Such a lovely thing, it's such hard work growing a rainbow but oh so worth it.
I feel so exhausted and sick most days and my body has not returned to pre pregnancy state. But I get through the days because I have my son with me in my heart and his brother/sister too. I cannot wait until January the 22nd for this baby to arrive, I hope Roo is as punctual as Angus and not keep us waiting past this date as it's hubby birthday!
I have come to know the term rainbow baby. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. Such a lovely thing, it's such hard work growing a rainbow but oh so worth it.
I feel so exhausted and sick most days and my body has not returned to pre pregnancy state. But I get through the days because I have my son with me in my heart and his brother/sister too. I cannot wait until January the 22nd for this baby to arrive, I hope Roo is as punctual as Angus and not keep us waiting past this date as it's hubby birthday!
Monday, 18 July 2011
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
Don't seem to write as much
I think this is because I feel less of a need now. At the beginning the feelings were so intense that I needed to get them out but now I don't feel the same. He would be 21 weeks old today, this is not a very special age but for some reason I'm finding today hard. I don't write about Angus as much because I've become selfish in a way, I don't want to share him with people any more I want to keep him to myself.
I've learnt a lot over these months, the days drag and I often feel isolated. I see people complain about their children and I want to scream at them. But they don't know what life without their child is like,thank goodness. If they knew such horror they too would see things differently. I want to keep Angus to myself now, I feel everyone else is living their life and rightly so. I perhaps feel not so many people think of him like I do. He was ours, he is ours and always will be. I long to hold him and tell him how beautiful he is, how proud he makes me. Instead I sit in an empty nursery and pour my heart out to an empty cot. And yes I know one day there will be a happy little baby sleeping in there but it doesn't ease the pain that there should be one in there now.
People tell me I'm strong and they admire me, for what I wonder? People like us we don't get a choice, the world keeps turning we can't just refuse to live. If only it worked like that I'd have died the moment I lost my son. So today is a bad day, I've had a lot of them lately. There was a good day a while ago, there has been good days and there will be more but it's getting through the bad days to get to the good days that takes it out of me.
People die every day but the world never really stops to think how so many lives have been changed by this event. Me, well perhaps I stop and think too much.
I've learnt a lot over these months, the days drag and I often feel isolated. I see people complain about their children and I want to scream at them. But they don't know what life without their child is like,thank goodness. If they knew such horror they too would see things differently. I want to keep Angus to myself now, I feel everyone else is living their life and rightly so. I perhaps feel not so many people think of him like I do. He was ours, he is ours and always will be. I long to hold him and tell him how beautiful he is, how proud he makes me. Instead I sit in an empty nursery and pour my heart out to an empty cot. And yes I know one day there will be a happy little baby sleeping in there but it doesn't ease the pain that there should be one in there now.
People tell me I'm strong and they admire me, for what I wonder? People like us we don't get a choice, the world keeps turning we can't just refuse to live. If only it worked like that I'd have died the moment I lost my son. So today is a bad day, I've had a lot of them lately. There was a good day a while ago, there has been good days and there will be more but it's getting through the bad days to get to the good days that takes it out of me.
People die every day but the world never really stops to think how so many lives have been changed by this event. Me, well perhaps I stop and think too much.
Sunday, 1 May 2011
International Babylost Mothers day
The first Sunday in May is International Babylost Mothers Day, a day I never knew existed until we lost our son. At first I didn't want to acknowledge such a day but after a while thinking about it I wanted to. You see Mothers Day itself is all good and well we are mothers after all but a day to celebrate the mothers who can't hold their babies in their arms and only us mummies is a very special day indeed.
People always say how strong I am, I can usually stop myself from slapping them in the face! It's not strength that gets you through the days, it's adaptability. We have to adapt to this new life a life we didn't choose. Eventually we get stronger and the dark days get less, it doesn't mean it stops hurting it never will. Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength. I'm not sure you even cope with losing a child I think you just live. You plod along until little things creep into your life that make you smile and laugh. It's true what I was told, you do feel guilty at first. But why should you feel guilty for living your life, you need to live your life the world doesn't just stop turning life goes on and like it or not your part of it.
I sit writing this in bed with a cup of tea, today I feel at peace with the world but it could have ended up a very different entry, it could have been dark and depressing. But last night I couldn't sleep, I looked out of the skylight window in our hall and saw some beautiful stars, there was one star shining so bright I just knew it was my little boy and it reminded me of this quote "Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." My little Angus is happy, he was always a happy baby, more so when daddy would talk to him while he was still a bump oh how he would kick at the sound of daddys voice. I think it helped, he bonded with daddy as much as he did with me while I was pregnant and he was so very content when daddy help him for hours after he was born.
It's now a sunny morning and I feel that's my little boy telling me I should be happy today, he knows sunshine makes mummy happy and even when there is rain he sends me a rainbow which are my most favourite things along with unicorns, my husband and my precious little Angus. I carry you in my heart and soul son, you are with me everyday and shall never be forgotten. Such a precious little boy so full of love and I feel that love all around me.
To all mothers who hold their babies only in their heart and soul, I wish you a peaceful day and love light and hope for the future. We are wonderful mamas, so precious and beautiful xxx
People always say how strong I am, I can usually stop myself from slapping them in the face! It's not strength that gets you through the days, it's adaptability. We have to adapt to this new life a life we didn't choose. Eventually we get stronger and the dark days get less, it doesn't mean it stops hurting it never will. Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength. I'm not sure you even cope with losing a child I think you just live. You plod along until little things creep into your life that make you smile and laugh. It's true what I was told, you do feel guilty at first. But why should you feel guilty for living your life, you need to live your life the world doesn't just stop turning life goes on and like it or not your part of it.
I sit writing this in bed with a cup of tea, today I feel at peace with the world but it could have ended up a very different entry, it could have been dark and depressing. But last night I couldn't sleep, I looked out of the skylight window in our hall and saw some beautiful stars, there was one star shining so bright I just knew it was my little boy and it reminded me of this quote "Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." My little Angus is happy, he was always a happy baby, more so when daddy would talk to him while he was still a bump oh how he would kick at the sound of daddys voice. I think it helped, he bonded with daddy as much as he did with me while I was pregnant and he was so very content when daddy help him for hours after he was born.
It's now a sunny morning and I feel that's my little boy telling me I should be happy today, he knows sunshine makes mummy happy and even when there is rain he sends me a rainbow which are my most favourite things along with unicorns, my husband and my precious little Angus. I carry you in my heart and soul son, you are with me everyday and shall never be forgotten. Such a precious little boy so full of love and I feel that love all around me.
To all mothers who hold their babies only in their heart and soul, I wish you a peaceful day and love light and hope for the future. We are wonderful mamas, so precious and beautiful xxx
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