heartbreak and hope

Today was the day we all got the news, the heartbreaking news of a loving friend. We had all been praying for her, her husband and their rainbow. The fight is over now, the little one is at rest with his/her brothers. Today many hearts broke because of their loss, we all know the feeling of losing a child, we have lived it, we have worn those shoes. However they lost 3 children this year, first the twins and now this little one. What kind of world do we live in is what has been going through my head. It just isn't fair, but then nor is the world. The world isn't about being fair and giving people what they deserve. There is no karma or higher being, how can there be? I'm not sure I have faith any more, I lost it when we lost Angus but now, my word It's gone. I believe in hope but doesn't this come hand in hand with faith? Am I foolish to think I have no faith but deep down there is it. Faith that good will come, that the storm passes and there is a rainbow, the sun and the warmth. Yes I'm angry at the world, but at the same time it's the same world that have given us Roo. As I type she is kicking, while I cry knowing this is a feeling my friend longs to feel. With every passing day I realise more how very precious our little Roo is.

Some people take pregnancy for granted, I know I did. I assumed you got pregnant and had a child! My lord 15 year olds were doing it! How lucky I was to fall pregnant so quickly with Angus, how naive to think I'd have my child. He has gone now and with him the naivety of pregnancy. But I'm blessed, this I know. Cursed and blessed all at once. I will not feel sorry for myself nor think I've been given a rough blow. It's a storm we have weathered and continue to do so all our lives. I have hope that Roo will grow up to cause us all sorts of trouble (please be more like daddy than me lol). My friend still has hope in her heart, it's amazing. Strong is something you become when you have no other choice. We all have no other choice, the world continues to spin, day becomes night. We live because it isn't over for us. We cannot decide on some things but we can decide how we live with what is happening/has happened. I know that with hope in our hearts we may find what we are looking for, we may learn to live in this cruel world and find sunshine and warmth when we need it most.

Lost for words

Today I'm lost for words, gutted that we live in a world so cruel. My aunt passed away last night, peacefully in her sleep. She was diagnosed with cancer only 4 short weeks ago. It had gone unnoticed for years but had spread to her liver and only then was it picked up. It was so bad that it took very little time to claim her life. I wonder if it was better that way, only knowing for 4 weeks you had cancer rather than years trying to fight it. But at the same time what if they caught it earlier, she might still be here.

I just can't comprehend this world. My aunt (great aunt) was 74 and yes she had a good long life, that is of some comfort when I think our son only had 3 days. But I have a friend, whom I've mentioned before. She is 26 weeks pregnant and her baby is struggling to fight to stay alive. 74 years on earth compared with 26 weeks in a loving mothers womb.

When my aunt was dying I didn't pray for her, I knew it was too late. I prayed for my friend, I continue to pray for my friend hoping there is a miracle around the corner. I ask you do the same, just for a minute, for a second, just take a moment and pray for her, her husband and their child. Hope is not lost, not yet, there is a tiny flicker in the darkened sky. Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all.

Four candles slowly burned
The ambience was so soft one could almost hear them talking
The first candle said "I am Peace"
"The world is so full of anger and fighting that nobody can keep me alight"
Then the candle of peace went out completely.
The the second candle said
"I am Faith"
"I am no longer indispensable
It does not make any sense that I stay awake one moment longer."
Then a breeze softly blew out Faith's flame.
Sadly the third candle began to speak
"I am Love"
"People don't understand my importance,
So they put me aside.
They even forget to love nearest to them.
I don't have the strength to stay alight"
And waiting no longer the candle of Love went out.
A child entered the room where the candles were
And saw that three of the candles were unlit.
"Why are you not burning?" said the child
"You are supposed to stay alight until the very end"
And the child was frightened and began to cry.
The the fourth candle said
"Don't be afraid. I am hope,
And while I am burning we can light the other candles"
With shining eyes the child took the candle of Hope
And lit the other candles.
The flame of Hope should never go out from your life,
And with Hope each of us can have a life
With Peace, Faith and Love.

It's not a kind world, it's not a fair fight.

Today I heard some news that made me cry. I have a friend whom I met after we lost Angus. She lost twin boys at 25+2 weeks. She's as wonderful friend, a wonderful person. A loving, kind and caring person. She's currently 24 weeks pregnant and today she was told 'the outlook for this pregnancy is extremely poor, she has Chronic Histiocytic Intervillositis (CHI). This link is to a facebook page with only 50 members, 50 members who have lost children to the same thing. It is so rare they don't know what causes it! Her little baby is still small for how many weeks pregnant she is, and doesn't move a great deal. There is a high probability that it will reoccur and a high rate of fetal mortality.

I pray for her and ask you do the same. Send love, send positive vibes, just stop and think about her and her baby, her babies. Please pray that her little baby puts on some weight so that she can deliver this baby and give it a fighting chance. Please pray that this world isn't as cold and cruel as we think it is. Pray that a mother can take home her child.

My love is with her, her husband and their child.

20 weeks and 7 months

7 months ago today we held our son for the first time, a memory I hold so dearly. 7 months ago today he first came home and slept in his moses basket. Today I washed the bedding on the basket, the little jungle animal cover in which my son slept, in which he passed. I decided it was time after a successful 20 week and 3 day scan yesterday where we saw our beautiful second child wriggling around and playing his his/her feet, yawning away and basically being very active.

We call this baby a girl although we don't know and her nickname is Roo. Well we have a Roo blanket which belonged to Angus, he came home from the hospital in it and was promptly sick while daddy was holding him! That blanket is also in the wash along with about 40 reusable nappies! I cried my eyes out as I spoke to Angus hoping he understood why I needed to do this. You see I want Roo to have as many connections to Angus as she can. I had thought about not washing the moses basket cover but what if something were to happen to Roo I'd never forgive myself and for my whole life I'd think it was because of that. I know it sounds silly but when we lost Angus I was convinced that it was because we got him a blue blanket and didn't wash it! Turns out not every parent washes everything they give to their child to wear or to sleep in. So this stuff is in the wash and although sad I'm at peace with my choice to wash them now. Today I feel strong enough to do so, empowered perhaps by knowing Roo is safe and happy. I think at which ever point I decided to wash these things I'd cry, it's emotional to me and I feel very proud that I can take that positive step. I haven't washed the one blue blanket and the one boy outfit he wore (he has another boy outfit which is in a memory box, the rest of the time was unisex stuff, which my best friend washed just after we lost him, although sad at the time I'm thankful she did so). I shall wash them should we have a boy as the outfit I just have a need to see a happy boy in a boy who's older than 3 days, who's alive and healthy. I don't expect people to understand it but it's important to me.

So today is 7 months since our son was born and I'm 20 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I'm at peace but I'm sad, I'm happy but I'm not complete. I have moved forward but I'm stuck.

Nearly half way

I'm almost 19 weeks pregnant now and looking forward to our next scan. Roo is a very active baby always kicking and responds well to daddys voice. I think we have a daddys girl on our hands! Although I sometimes struggle with being pregnant again I feel so blessed to have Roo. She reminds me that although filled with darkness there is also light in the world. I feel confident that Roo is our forever baby, the one we get to watch grow up, teach how to bake cakes and how to tie her laces.

I always find it strange when I think of children, a little blank canvas to make into a person. A person who will go out in the world and be someone, someone special. I want our children to love, if nothing else just to love and to be loved and above all be happy. We have saw the greatest of tragedies but we have known the greatest of loves. To have two children one to arrive soon the other has been and gone. Both of which we hold dearly in our hearts with an overwhelming love, a love I've never felt before.

Growing a rainbow

On Tuesday the 19th of July we saw our second child for the 3rd time. The first time was at 6+5 weeks old where there really wasn't much more than a yolk sac and a beating heart, but oh how that beating heart gave us such hope. The second time was at 9+4 weeks and sure enough there was a little baby minus the limbs a yolk sac and a beating heart. At 13+2 weeks (Tuesday)there was a baby, a proper looking baby with such a strong heartbeat! This scan was so different to that of my scan with Angus, for the first one I was 10 weeks and we didn't get a great picture and the second at 20 weeks he looked like my perfect little son but was too much like his daddy and spent the whole time sleeping! But Roo (as we call this baby) was awake, oh my was she awake! She had the hiccups and every so often would jump up! She waved her little hands at mama and daddy and kicked her little feet in preparation for kicking me in the ribs in a few months! Oh it was a sight to see I cried with such relief. I haven't seen my husband light up that much since he first held Angus.

I have come to know the term rainbow baby. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. Such a lovely thing, it's such hard work growing a rainbow but oh so worth it.

I feel so exhausted and sick most days and my body has not returned to pre pregnancy state. But I get through the days because I have my son with me in my heart and his brother/sister too. I cannot wait until January the 22nd for this baby to arrive, I hope Roo is as punctual as Angus and not keep us waiting past this date as it's hubby birthday!

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