You are stronger than me

When you lose a child your life doesn't just change, you're shattered on the insdie, blown to bits, heartbroken. It takes a long time for those pieces to come back together again. I'm not looking for your pity it's better for me to talk than to keep everything all inside. I don't want you to think I'm selfish but can't you see how much I'm hurting? Sometimes I take out my baby's things, smell them, caress them, hug and kiss them and rock them until the tears stop falling. Please don't turn a blind eye to me. If you think it's too painful for you multiply that by infinity and you might have a vague idea of how much pain I'm in. I did not ask for this to happen. I do ask for your love and support. If you can't think of anything to say then just listen to me. Let me borrow your shoulder. Surely you are stronger than I am and you can help me by simply being there.

feeling isolated

I haven't been feeling so positive lately. I'm not sure why but I feel very isolated, I find people I used to be very close to now seem so distant. It hurts that I lost my son and now I'm losing friends too at the time I need them most. It just doesn't seem fair, I haven't done anything why should I suffer am I not suffering enough? It makes me angry at those people who can't face their own discomfort to comfort me. It's selfish to say the least. Or maybe I'm just angry. I understand people don't know what to say to me, that isn't my fault I didn't ask for this to happen.

I pretend I'm ok because that's what people expect of me. They want me to be the old Heidi but I know she died along with my son. There's no going back and although I try to look to the future there are days where I struggle to do so. Today I'm a 4 (out of 10, with 10 being great). I know I need to find the small things to get me through the day but I've been lonely today with things circling my head. I just wish it would all stop. Some times the good out weights the bad but some times the bad drowns the good.

This morning,

This morning I received a beautiful handmade butterfly charm from an lovely woman I have met through a group for pregnancy and infant loss. Her precious twin boys were born sleeping at 25+2 weeks on the 7th of January this year. Although I do not know her I feel we have a bond. Being positive and comforting to another is both comforting and positive for me. As humans we rarely take our own advice, "you shouldn't do that", "do this". Yet we go and do the things we shouldn't and don't take on board our own advice. This morning that changed for me, not only did I get a beautiful charm I got hope. I have attached this charm to a bracelet that I don't take off (it's made of rose quartz, which apparently helps fertility and protects the mother and baby). Anyways I had spoke to Claudia and been of some comfort to her (well as much as you can when someone is dealing with such a tragedy), there are no real words of comfort, I know as people have tried to comfort me with no avail. She sent me this charm as a way of thanks and she also sent me hope. I look at this butterfly and I think of her, her little boys and of course Angus. It reminds me of the very hungry caterpillar which I sat in the nursery and read aloud to Angus the other day. It reminds me that the caterpillar became a butterfly. Although the caterpillar is gone there is something in it's place, something beautiful and new. I guess what I'm trying to say is although we no longer have our son, our beautiful precious Angus, I have hope that one day I will be blessed with a butterfly (another baby if you haven't already sussed the analogy lol).

It's time not to forget Angus but perhaps not to devote my whole day to mourning his loss. To get up in the morning and prepare myself mentally and physically to get pregnant again. If the mind is not ready then the body is not ready. It's all very easy said than done! I cannot live in the past, I must live in the present and look to the future, carrying Angus in my heart so that he too can be in my future, not how I would like but there none the less. He made me a better person. With the help from family and friends we raised money, I've learnt to knit so that our other children with have one off hats and booties, I've grown closer than ever to my husband and I have a new appreciation for life. Angus I thank you for what you have done for mummy and Claudia, I thank you for sending me the butterfly along with hope. You are very special indeed, both of you.

Finding it difficult

The sun is shining yet I don't feel the happiness that other feel when the sun warms their skin. I feel cold and alone. I'm starting to find it difficult to look at pictures of my beautiful son, when I look at them I feel cheated. He should be here with me, I should be deprived of sleep because of a new born baby not because I wake in the night crying. I can't see when things will get better. I know that he will always be missing but I will have more children, one day. I long for that day more than anything. I know I can never get Angus back, he's gone. But I can give him a little brother or sister and want to so bad. I'm so aware of what can go wrong now, I'm scared something happens when I do get pregnant. I know I shouldn't worry. I imagine no matter how much I worry my fear will be worse once the baby is here, no amount of breathing monitors and sensor mats will help.

I keep thinking about it, I keep asking why us? Why my boy? He was beautiful and perfect and planned to the very last detail. What have I done that was so awful that meant I couldn't keep the baby I longed for?! It makes me so angry, it makes me so sad. I sat in bed last night realising I'm going to feel this way forever, he's always going to be missing and although I will have other children to keep me busy I won't have my first born son.

I don't like Sundays

I don't like many days it would appear. I don't like Mondays, that was our sons funeral. I don't like Tuesdays, Angus was born on a Tuesday. I liked that Tuesday, the 8th of February, I liked it very much. I don't like Fridays, that was the day our hearts got broken. I don't like Saturdays or Sundays as we never got to spend a weekend with him. That leaves me Wednesdays and Thursdays which I don't much like at the moment! I guess what I'm trying to say is, every day is connected somehow to Angus, to our love and our loss.

I'm sick of people telling me it wasn't my fault that there was nothing I could have done. That's no comfort to me, it means I'm just as helpless second time around or third even sixth time if we so choose to go that far. I miss my little boy and I long to be pregnant again. Some people don't understand they think we are trying to replace Angus, we aren't we are trying to rebuild our family. For three days we were a little happy family, we will once again be a happy little family but someone will always be missing.

There have been days I wish to curl up and die, for the world to just stop. I can't let those days define me, I know I must think positive, I know that there is always a rainbow after the storm. It's time that bothers me. It's not knowing when the rainbow will appear, how long the rain will last. I sit in the nursery, with his blanket on my knee and I talk to Angus. I have asked he send us a little brother or sister for him. I'm not sure what I think this will achieve. He isn't god if god even exists. Sometimes I tell myself I'm stupid, he's dead Heidi how is he going to assist in giving you a family again?! But then on the days I know better I tell myself he will because he's my baby and he loves me as I love him. I must keep faith that we will be blessed with a rainbow, from Angus.

the little spotty hat...

I keep it beside my bed, I hold it and kiss it goodnight, like I would my son. This spotty hat had become iconic. I put it on Angus hours after he was born, oh how adorable he looked. This wasn't the hat we gave to the funeral director, I gave him the little bear hat. The spotty hat was for me to keep, to hand down to his brother or sister, a present from Angus. I love this hat though sometimes it makes me cry, sometimes it breaks my heart but other times it brings me comfort. Comfort in that he was actually here, I didn't imagine him, I didn't imagine those 39 weeks of pregnancy and those three days of blissfully ignorant joy. Because sometimes it feels like I did imagine it as here I am two weeks after we lost him, no bump and no baby. Just me, heartbroken and clueless.

No appropriate title

I wish I had posted more while I was pregnant. Now it's all too late. We had the most gorgeous son on the 8th of February at 13.08 he was 5lb 14oz of perfectness! We enjoyed 3 special and precious days with him until we tragically lost him to S.I.D.S. Even as I write this I need to remind myself not to put cot death as upon doing research it can happen anywhere, any time. I have started a memorial site for him and so proud that he's raised nearly £600 already.

I won't go into details of his short life or what happened on Friday people that want to know can go to his site. I've decided to blog about my day to day feelings. I hope to keep this up (I'm easily distracted) as it may comfort me on bad days to see where I have had good days. But to be honest I don't see any good days just yet.

Me and my husband are venturing out to Carlisle, we can no longer just sit in the house. This may be a massive mistake, what if I breakdown and cry? What if I don't? does that make me a bad person? So many thoughts go rushing through my head I can't focus on just one, well I can and the one I focus on is why can't I have our son back? I long to see his face and wonder what he would look like now at a week and a half old. Instead I have a few baby grows with his scent and an empty heart.