Growing a rainbow

On Tuesday the 19th of July we saw our second child for the 3rd time. The first time was at 6+5 weeks old where there really wasn't much more than a yolk sac and a beating heart, but oh how that beating heart gave us such hope. The second time was at 9+4 weeks and sure enough there was a little baby minus the limbs a yolk sac and a beating heart. At 13+2 weeks (Tuesday)there was a baby, a proper looking baby with such a strong heartbeat! This scan was so different to that of my scan with Angus, for the first one I was 10 weeks and we didn't get a great picture and the second at 20 weeks he looked like my perfect little son but was too much like his daddy and spent the whole time sleeping! But Roo (as we call this baby) was awake, oh my was she awake! She had the hiccups and every so often would jump up! She waved her little hands at mama and daddy and kicked her little feet in preparation for kicking me in the ribs in a few months! Oh it was a sight to see I cried with such relief. I haven't seen my husband light up that much since he first held Angus.

I have come to know the term rainbow baby. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. Such a lovely thing, it's such hard work growing a rainbow but oh so worth it.

I feel so exhausted and sick most days and my body has not returned to pre pregnancy state. But I get through the days because I have my son with me in my heart and his brother/sister too. I cannot wait until January the 22nd for this baby to arrive, I hope Roo is as punctual as Angus and not keep us waiting past this date as it's hubby birthday!

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Don't seem to write as much

I think this is because I feel less of a need now. At the beginning the feelings were so intense that I needed to get them out but now I don't feel the same. He would be 21 weeks old today, this is not a very special age but for some reason I'm finding today hard. I don't write about Angus as much because I've become selfish in a way, I don't want to share him with people any more I want to keep him to myself.

I've learnt a lot over these months, the days drag and I often feel isolated. I see people complain about their children and I want to scream at them. But they don't know what life without their child is like,thank goodness. If they knew such horror they too would see things differently. I want to keep Angus to myself now, I feel everyone else is living their life and rightly so. I perhaps feel not so many people think of him like I do. He was ours, he is ours and always will be. I long to hold him and tell him how beautiful he is, how proud he makes me. Instead I sit in an empty nursery and pour my heart out to an empty cot. And yes I know one day there will be a happy little baby sleeping in there but it doesn't ease the pain that there should be one in there now.

People tell me I'm strong and they admire me, for what I wonder? People like us we don't get a choice, the world keeps turning we can't just refuse to live. If only it worked like that I'd have died the moment I lost my son. So today is a bad day, I've had a lot of them lately. There was a good day a while ago, there has been good days and there will be more but it's getting through the bad days to get to the good days that takes it out of me.

People die every day but the world never really stops to think how so many lives have been changed by this event. Me, well perhaps I stop and think too much.

International Babylost Mothers day

The first Sunday in May is International Babylost Mothers Day, a day I never knew existed until we lost our son. At first I didn't want to acknowledge such a day but after a while thinking about it I wanted to. You see Mothers Day itself is all good and well we are mothers after all but a day to celebrate the mothers who can't hold their babies in their arms and only us mummies is a very special day indeed.

People always say how strong I am, I can usually stop myself from slapping them in the face! It's not strength that gets you through the days, it's adaptability. We have to adapt to this new life a life we didn't choose. Eventually we get stronger and the dark days get less, it doesn't mean it stops hurting it never will. Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength. I'm not sure you even cope with losing a child I think you just live. You plod along until little things creep into your life that make you smile and laugh. It's true what I was told, you do feel guilty at first. But why should you feel guilty for living your life, you need to live your life the world doesn't just stop turning life goes on and like it or not your part of it.

I sit writing this in bed with a cup of tea, today I feel at peace with the world but it could have ended up a very different entry, it could have been dark and depressing. But last night I couldn't sleep, I looked out of the skylight window in our hall and saw some beautiful stars, there was one star shining so bright I just knew it was my little boy and it reminded me of this quote "Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." My little Angus is happy, he was always a happy baby, more so when daddy would talk to him while he was still a bump oh how he would kick at the sound of daddys voice. I think it helped, he bonded with daddy as much as he did with me while I was pregnant and he was so very content when daddy help him for hours after he was born.

It's now a sunny morning and I feel that's my little boy telling me I should be happy today, he knows sunshine makes mummy happy and even when there is rain he sends me a rainbow which are my most favourite things along with unicorns, my husband and my precious little Angus. I carry you in my heart and soul son, you are with me everyday and shall never be forgotten. Such a precious little boy so full of love and I feel that love all around me.

To all mothers who hold their babies only in their heart and soul, I wish you a peaceful day and love light and hope for the future. We are wonderful mamas, so precious and beautiful xxx

You are stronger than me

When you lose a child your life doesn't just change, you're shattered on the insdie, blown to bits, heartbroken. It takes a long time for those pieces to come back together again. I'm not looking for your pity it's better for me to talk than to keep everything all inside. I don't want you to think I'm selfish but can't you see how much I'm hurting? Sometimes I take out my baby's things, smell them, caress them, hug and kiss them and rock them until the tears stop falling. Please don't turn a blind eye to me. If you think it's too painful for you multiply that by infinity and you might have a vague idea of how much pain I'm in. I did not ask for this to happen. I do ask for your love and support. If you can't think of anything to say then just listen to me. Let me borrow your shoulder. Surely you are stronger than I am and you can help me by simply being there.

feeling isolated

I haven't been feeling so positive lately. I'm not sure why but I feel very isolated, I find people I used to be very close to now seem so distant. It hurts that I lost my son and now I'm losing friends too at the time I need them most. It just doesn't seem fair, I haven't done anything why should I suffer am I not suffering enough? It makes me angry at those people who can't face their own discomfort to comfort me. It's selfish to say the least. Or maybe I'm just angry. I understand people don't know what to say to me, that isn't my fault I didn't ask for this to happen.

I pretend I'm ok because that's what people expect of me. They want me to be the old Heidi but I know she died along with my son. There's no going back and although I try to look to the future there are days where I struggle to do so. Today I'm a 4 (out of 10, with 10 being great). I know I need to find the small things to get me through the day but I've been lonely today with things circling my head. I just wish it would all stop. Some times the good out weights the bad but some times the bad drowns the good.

This morning,

This morning I received a beautiful handmade butterfly charm from an lovely woman I have met through a group for pregnancy and infant loss. Her precious twin boys were born sleeping at 25+2 weeks on the 7th of January this year. Although I do not know her I feel we have a bond. Being positive and comforting to another is both comforting and positive for me. As humans we rarely take our own advice, "you shouldn't do that", "do this". Yet we go and do the things we shouldn't and don't take on board our own advice. This morning that changed for me, not only did I get a beautiful charm I got hope. I have attached this charm to a bracelet that I don't take off (it's made of rose quartz, which apparently helps fertility and protects the mother and baby). Anyways I had spoke to Claudia and been of some comfort to her (well as much as you can when someone is dealing with such a tragedy), there are no real words of comfort, I know as people have tried to comfort me with no avail. She sent me this charm as a way of thanks and she also sent me hope. I look at this butterfly and I think of her, her little boys and of course Angus. It reminds me of the very hungry caterpillar which I sat in the nursery and read aloud to Angus the other day. It reminds me that the caterpillar became a butterfly. Although the caterpillar is gone there is something in it's place, something beautiful and new. I guess what I'm trying to say is although we no longer have our son, our beautiful precious Angus, I have hope that one day I will be blessed with a butterfly (another baby if you haven't already sussed the analogy lol).

It's time not to forget Angus but perhaps not to devote my whole day to mourning his loss. To get up in the morning and prepare myself mentally and physically to get pregnant again. If the mind is not ready then the body is not ready. It's all very easy said than done! I cannot live in the past, I must live in the present and look to the future, carrying Angus in my heart so that he too can be in my future, not how I would like but there none the less. He made me a better person. With the help from family and friends we raised money, I've learnt to knit so that our other children with have one off hats and booties, I've grown closer than ever to my husband and I have a new appreciation for life. Angus I thank you for what you have done for mummy and Claudia, I thank you for sending me the butterfly along with hope. You are very special indeed, both of you.