First entry in a while

So, I've been so busy I haven't blogged in a while. I didn't even blog about Angus' birthday. I feel rather guilty. On his birthday however we released balloons. a white dove one and 3 blue ones, each had a message on. The tags for the messages were blue butterflies each one had wild flower sees in them so when they land they plant the seeds and flowers grow. Fitting I'd say. The day was rather emotional. Made slightly better because we had Ruby there.

I'm loving being a mama to a child I can hold but I feel so guilty at time because Angus isn't my every thought and then I get upset and cry. Which is often followed by more guilt because I'm upset when I have a perfectly healthy, happy child to look after. When we lost Angus and decided to try for a second baby I don't think I fully thought it through. Yes I desperately wanted a child but I didn't for one second consider the emotional impact it would have on me. The conflict of emotions is overwhelming. But you do what you can. I treasure every stinking nappy, every little smile. The feel of her warm skin on him and I try and block out that the last time I held Angus he was so cold.

When Ruby sleeps I sometimes put my hand on her chest to see if she's ok, we have the monitors but it's like it's not enough. When she sleeps she looks like Angus did only he was dead. As morbid (is that the right word?!) as it is. When he was dead he looked sleeping, there's a part of my brain that rationalises it as if he looked sleeping when he was dead she can be dead but look sleeping. I sometimes struggle to knock these thoughts from my head. I have a strong baby we always knew that. From the first kick we knew A. she was a girl, B. she was strong and C. she was going to be trouble. Two of those are true and so far she's no trouble but give it time lol.

Being an angel/rainbow mama is hard, it's a mind trip, it's a rollercoster of emotions that don't end when you hold that baby. It f**ks you up and makes you a bit crazy. But I need to focus on her, on our rainbow, our sunshine. The person that saved me and made me almost complete again.

This time last year...

I was sat happy and content, sure our little baby would be making an appearance in the next 48 hours, I didn't think he actually would. The memories that seemed so distant later last year and now so vivid, the run up to the labour, the labour, seeing him, holding him and being a mother. They won't stop playing in my head, the wont go away. He would be a year old tomorrow. I should be running around wrapping presents, finishing off the cake. Ah there is that word again *should*, not should Heidi stop saying that. Live life as it is not as it should be stop torturing yourself living in the alternate reality.

I know I'm blessed I have a wonderful husband and we have Ruby but I want both my babies, but I wont doesn't get, it certainly doesn't bring babies back from the dead! It's just another day, live it like any other it's just slightly more shit than some days have been. But I can't help but wonder what he would look like, would he walk, talk? Would he look as much like his daddy as he did? So much to wonder, so much to live with. I have Ruby but I can't help but be sad I don't have Angus. Play the hand you've been dealt Heidi to the best of your ability and if you break down and cry then fine, it's what's needed. He was a beautiful boy, it was a horrific loss, it's to be expected, don't put on a front just grieve.

I love you son xxx

Our rainbow

Well here we are, a week after our rainbow was born. At 05.11 on the 16th of January 2012, 6 days early like her big brother Ruby Ruth Wu was born. Yup Roo was a girl, mama really does know best! After a nice easy labour and deliver, yet again with no pain relief or gas and air we are thrilled she is here. We delayed cord clamping to ensure she got all the oxygen rich blood back into her body. It took 20 minutes and a further 60 to deliver the placenta (without the job). I'd wanted it to be as natural as possible, regardless of what had happened with Angus this was a different labour, a different baby. I'd already proved I could do it all in the way closest to nature that suited us. A helathy 7lb 6oz at birth, a shocker compared to the 5lb 14oz of Angus.

When she first came out my goodness she looked like Angus. But there was something different, she was chunkier, screaming and demanding to be fed! She just looked like she was here to stay and for that I'm thankful. It was eerily similar yet so different. Two different children who have moments when they look the same, but they couldn't look more different.

Ruby is breastfeeding beautifully, a healthy weight gain since the initial loss of only 6%, today a week later she's only got 1oz to go before being back at birth weight, weight day tomorrow! And yes I'm exhausted feeding on demand, but my god is it worth it to see those eyes open and look at you, knowing you've given her the best start, knowing she is thriving purely because of you. We are so in love with her, and fear though it still remains is by far out weighed by joy and love. The past 11 months since losing Angus have been so awful and yes we always had hope but now we can hold that hope in our arms, bath her, fed her and physically be with her. She is amazing, she is everything.

Andy is just fantastic with her, our family is complete once more. Our little rainbow is here and although the storm is still above us we have a beautiful bright rainbow.

loss and gain

This year I lost my baby, I lost friends and family because they felt awkward. They didn't know what to say so instead they said nothing, 10 months have past and from many of them, still nothing. I'm not close with most of my family, neither of my parents ever call to ask how I'm coping or ask how our baby is. I haven't spoken to them in months and I don't intend to again. You see when you lose a child you feel so alone, you feel like you're the only one in the world that's going through this. A simple text from a friend asking "how are you?" means so much. Over time the days became easier and when the grief started to lift a little I realised I was practically alone. I had my husband, my wonderful husband. I could talk for days on just how amazing he is! There's love and then there's love. He's my best friend my soul mate (if you believe in such a thing), he's the only person who knows what I'm going through because he's going through it too.

Our best friends, Ceri and Alan, where on earth would we be without them? The amount of support they have given and continue to give us is amazing. They arranged most of the funeral for us, how heartbreaking to do that for your best friends child. It's above and beyond and I know it broke their hearts.

We have such lovely friends, strangely all coupled off with each other. They have been wonderful I feel their excitement for Roo too. My husband has a wonderful family, his mother is so much like the mother I wish I had. From his family I've a beautiful sister, I cannot wait to see her holding Roo. I've got so much support from my family in law it warms my heart. My sister in law brought tears to my eyes as she welled up feeling Roo kick her. We have all those people and it is more than enough because those are the people who want to be around us. Those are the people that deserve to share the rainbow, to bask in the glow of our upcoming sunshine.

There are people I've lost touch with, people who still feel awkward around me. Perhaps they do not like the person I've become. I didn't choose to become this person, I didn't choose this path. It was forced upon me so I walk it the best I can. I needed those people and they failed me, I won't lie it hurt and sometimes it still does. I'd love to have a close family (from my side) but I've accepted it won't happen, I've made my peace with that. This year has shown who my true friends are, they have stepped up and some have done more then I'd ever have asked for. Some have crossed the road and pretended I didn't exist. And then there are my new friends...

Some of the most amazing women I've ever known and I wouldn't have met them other wise. These people while dealing with grief themselves take the time to ask "how are you?" They try so hard to bring a smile to your face when their hearts are breaking too. They understand what you are saying even when you can't get the words out. They are my angel mummy friends, they are beautiful people with pure loving souls. I could sit here and name them all but they know who they are. These are the people I talk to every day when I have friends who live along the road and don't speak with for weeks. It's strange the bond we have, no one really wants it. We don't want to be in this boat together but we are and we are glad we are together. Being stuck in hell with loving friends is far better than being stuck down there alone.

So anyways, I ramble on about what I've lost but to give it balance I add what I have gained and while nothing can ever balance out the loss of a child it makes a small difference to my day. I hope next year is nothing but happiness, happiness, dirty nappies and hugs from our little Roo. I'm ready to take on the lack of sleep the mountains of washing reusable nappies and the mess because it's what I've longed for so very very much.

I miss our little boy.

Last night we put the Christmas tree up, we hung some lovely decorations for Angus,

The second one was made by a lovely friend of mine. It just makes me so sad as I sit here and look at my tree, wondering what Angus would make of it all. he's be 10 months old and I just know he would be pulling the decorations down. It's so hard to imagine living the rest of my life without him. It's been over 10 months since we last held him and told him how much we loved him. His beautiful little face, lifeless and cold. I look at the pictures we have up of him and that's how I want to remember him. His cute little nose and his daddys eyes. Such a gorgeous child, such a blessing. I long to look into those eyes just one more time and see that sparkle. I miss him so so much. I'm not excited for Christmas, I was last year. I'll not make that mistake again, being fooled into thinking this time next year I'll have a child.

It sounds awful to say doesn't it, people are shocked when I tell them that's how I feel. But I know all too well that it can be taken from you in a second, all the planning, the wanting and aspirations. One day it's all there and then it's gone. No nightmare can ever compare to losing a child, I'm living my worst fear, my worst nightmare is my life. And yes there are elements of hope, we have a little kicking bump. Our beautiful little Roo, I don't take a second for granted this may be all I have of her. The thing about fears is they say face them to get over them. If you're scared of spiders you can be cured, if you fear losing a child and you lose a child you're not over that fear, you're forever scared you will lose another child. I can't stand that thought, I push it to the back of my mind but it's still there, that little niggle, that little "what if?"

There are 3 people I love most in this world, I made two of them with the other one of them! No matter what happens these are the ones that count. My husband and our children. We have almost made it through this tough year and I pray next year is filled with more joy than heartache. Little Angus won't be here for his first birthday and it breaks my heart, I miss him, I miss him so much I just have to look at his pictures and I cry. He should be with me, having snuggles and watching frozen planet! I really need to stop saying should, I should have a different life, I don't, just accept it Heidi. I'm not sure I can ever accept that he isn't here.

Random act of kindness

After reading Small Bird Studio 12 days of Christmas with you in heaven, day 5 I decided to do this one. Basically I'm asking friends, family, anyone who reads this to do something nice for someone else. It can be anything, from helping someone carry their shopping to the car to donating a present to a children's ward. Anything that is a selfless act you wouldn't usually do. The idea is that you do a random act of kindness in memory of our son. Once you have done your act email me at heidi@heidiwu.co.uk and tell me what you have done. I will then, on Christmas eve print them all out (without peeking) and put them in a little blue stocking for Angus. On Christmas day my husband and I will read each one and know that each kind act preformed was in memory of our little boy. This is a gift not only for us but for yourselves and the person you help with your act. I'm a firm believer that is giving not receiving that warms the heart. I thank you in advance for taking part should you wish to do so and thank you for helping keep Angus' memory alive at this difficult time of year for us.

I'm going to say it,

I'm going to say it, I don't believe in tempting fate so I'm going to just say. We're having a baby! We are going to have a baby and we are going to cope just fine. A turn of events huh? Today we went for the resus training, I won't lie there were tears. We both now feel confident about it. The woman was lovely and made us feel at ease, we were told that breathing for the baby is enough. Chances are the babys heart is healthy, it's pumping the blood round but there isn't any fresh oxygen getting in so we must breathe for the baby. With the monitor we will get we know that it's been a maximum of 20 seconds since the baby last took a breath, we know what to do and I feel we can cope now.

She showed us a little baby girl called Ruby she was born just yesterday at 32 weeks, that's how many weeks pregnant I am. Amazing to see this little girl the same size as what little Roo is, for a second I wonder how that baby can fit inside her mummy, I'm then kicked by Roo and I remember. It's a tight fit lol. Little Ruby has the apnoea monitor on, just a little box that is going to save us a whole lot of sleepless nights! It clicks away with every breath and her chest rises and falls ever so slightly. I look at her with admiration and rub my bump. It all seems real, it's so close I can almost touch it, our future. We're having a baby a little baby, a beautiful little baby whom we will watch grow up. Screw fate I'm saying it, we're having a baby, a forever baby and when that monitor alarms, which it will (more than likely a false alarm) our hearts will race and we will panic but we will cope even if when we get to Roo there is a cheeky little face peeping back at us, even if we need to do CPR we will cope. We're having a baby, we're having a baby.