The first Sunday in May is International Babylost Mothers Day, a day I never knew existed until we lost our son. At first I didn't want to acknowledge such a day but after a while thinking about it I wanted to. You see Mothers Day itself is all good and well we are mothers after all but a day to celebrate the mothers who can't hold their babies in their arms and only us mummies is a very special day indeed.
People always say how strong I am, I can usually stop myself from slapping them in the face! It's not strength that gets you through the days, it's adaptability. We have to adapt to this new life a life we didn't choose. Eventually we get stronger and the dark days get less, it doesn't mean it stops hurting it never will. Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength. I'm not sure you even cope with losing a child I think you just live. You plod along until little things creep into your life that make you smile and laugh. It's true what I was told, you do feel guilty at first. But why should you feel guilty for living your life, you need to live your life the world doesn't just stop turning life goes on and like it or not your part of it.
I sit writing this in bed with a cup of tea, today I feel at peace with the world but it could have ended up a very different entry, it could have been dark and depressing. But last night I couldn't sleep, I looked out of the skylight window in our hall and saw some beautiful stars, there was one star shining so bright I just knew it was my little boy and it reminded me of this quote "Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." My little Angus is happy, he was always a happy baby, more so when daddy would talk to him while he was still a bump oh how he would kick at the sound of daddys voice. I think it helped, he bonded with daddy as much as he did with me while I was pregnant and he was so very content when daddy help him for hours after he was born.
It's now a sunny morning and I feel that's my little boy telling me I should be happy today, he knows sunshine makes mummy happy and even when there is rain he sends me a rainbow which are my most favourite things along with unicorns, my husband and my precious little Angus. I carry you in my heart and soul son, you are with me everyday and shall never be forgotten. Such a precious little boy so full of love and I feel that love all around me.
To all mothers who hold their babies only in their heart and soul, I wish you a peaceful day and love light and hope for the future. We are wonderful mamas, so precious and beautiful xxx
