I haven't been feeling so positive lately. I'm not sure why but I feel very isolated, I find people I used to be very close to now seem so distant. It hurts that I lost my son and now I'm losing friends too at the time I need them most. It just doesn't seem fair, I haven't done anything why should I suffer am I not suffering enough? It makes me angry at those people who can't face their own discomfort to comfort me. It's selfish to say the least. Or maybe I'm just angry. I understand people don't know what to say to me, that isn't my fault I didn't ask for this to happen.
I pretend I'm ok because that's what people expect of me. They want me to be the old Heidi but I know she died along with my son. There's no going back and although I try to look to the future there are days where I struggle to do so. Today I'm a 4 (out of 10, with 10 being great). I know I need to find the small things to get me through the day but I've been lonely today with things circling my head. I just wish it would all stop. Some times the good out weights the bad but some times the bad drowns the good.
Wednesday 30 March 2011
Thursday 17 March 2011
This morning,
This morning I received a beautiful handmade butterfly charm from an lovely woman I have met through a group for pregnancy and infant loss. Her precious twin boys were born sleeping at 25+2 weeks on the 7th of January this year. Although I do not know her I feel we have a bond. Being positive and comforting to another is both comforting and positive for me. As humans we rarely take our own advice, "you shouldn't do that", "do this". Yet we go and do the things we shouldn't and don't take on board our own advice. This morning that changed for me, not only did I get a beautiful charm I got hope. I have attached this charm to a bracelet that I don't take off (it's made of rose quartz, which apparently helps fertility and protects the mother and baby). Anyways I had spoke to Claudia and been of some comfort to her (well as much as you can when someone is dealing with such a tragedy), there are no real words of comfort, I know as people have tried to comfort me with no avail. She sent me this charm as a way of thanks and she also sent me hope. I look at this butterfly and I think of her, her little boys and of course Angus. It reminds me of the very hungry caterpillar which I sat in the nursery and read aloud to Angus the other day. It reminds me that the caterpillar became a butterfly. Although the caterpillar is gone there is something in it's place, something beautiful and new. I guess what I'm trying to say is although we no longer have our son, our beautiful precious Angus, I have hope that one day I will be blessed with a butterfly (another baby if you haven't already sussed the analogy lol).
It's time not to forget Angus but perhaps not to devote my whole day to mourning his loss. To get up in the morning and prepare myself mentally and physically to get pregnant again. If the mind is not ready then the body is not ready. It's all very easy said than done! I cannot live in the past, I must live in the present and look to the future, carrying Angus in my heart so that he too can be in my future, not how I would like but there none the less. He made me a better person. With the help from family and friends we raised money, I've learnt to knit so that our other children with have one off hats and booties, I've grown closer than ever to my husband and I have a new appreciation for life. Angus I thank you for what you have done for mummy and Claudia, I thank you for sending me the butterfly along with hope. You are very special indeed, both of you.
It's time not to forget Angus but perhaps not to devote my whole day to mourning his loss. To get up in the morning and prepare myself mentally and physically to get pregnant again. If the mind is not ready then the body is not ready. It's all very easy said than done! I cannot live in the past, I must live in the present and look to the future, carrying Angus in my heart so that he too can be in my future, not how I would like but there none the less. He made me a better person. With the help from family and friends we raised money, I've learnt to knit so that our other children with have one off hats and booties, I've grown closer than ever to my husband and I have a new appreciation for life. Angus I thank you for what you have done for mummy and Claudia, I thank you for sending me the butterfly along with hope. You are very special indeed, both of you.
Monday 14 March 2011
Finding it difficult
The sun is shining yet I don't feel the happiness that other feel when the sun warms their skin. I feel cold and alone. I'm starting to find it difficult to look at pictures of my beautiful son, when I look at them I feel cheated. He should be here with me, I should be deprived of sleep because of a new born baby not because I wake in the night crying. I can't see when things will get better. I know that he will always be missing but I will have more children, one day. I long for that day more than anything. I know I can never get Angus back, he's gone. But I can give him a little brother or sister and want to so bad. I'm so aware of what can go wrong now, I'm scared something happens when I do get pregnant. I know I shouldn't worry. I imagine no matter how much I worry my fear will be worse once the baby is here, no amount of breathing monitors and sensor mats will help.
I keep thinking about it, I keep asking why us? Why my boy? He was beautiful and perfect and planned to the very last detail. What have I done that was so awful that meant I couldn't keep the baby I longed for?! It makes me so angry, it makes me so sad. I sat in bed last night realising I'm going to feel this way forever, he's always going to be missing and although I will have other children to keep me busy I won't have my first born son.
I keep thinking about it, I keep asking why us? Why my boy? He was beautiful and perfect and planned to the very last detail. What have I done that was so awful that meant I couldn't keep the baby I longed for?! It makes me so angry, it makes me so sad. I sat in bed last night realising I'm going to feel this way forever, he's always going to be missing and although I will have other children to keep me busy I won't have my first born son.
Sunday 6 March 2011
I don't like Sundays
I don't like many days it would appear. I don't like Mondays, that was our sons funeral. I don't like Tuesdays, Angus was born on a Tuesday. I liked that Tuesday, the 8th of February, I liked it very much. I don't like Fridays, that was the day our hearts got broken. I don't like Saturdays or Sundays as we never got to spend a weekend with him. That leaves me Wednesdays and Thursdays which I don't much like at the moment! I guess what I'm trying to say is, every day is connected somehow to Angus, to our love and our loss.
I'm sick of people telling me it wasn't my fault that there was nothing I could have done. That's no comfort to me, it means I'm just as helpless second time around or third even sixth time if we so choose to go that far. I miss my little boy and I long to be pregnant again. Some people don't understand they think we are trying to replace Angus, we aren't we are trying to rebuild our family. For three days we were a little happy family, we will once again be a happy little family but someone will always be missing.
There have been days I wish to curl up and die, for the world to just stop. I can't let those days define me, I know I must think positive, I know that there is always a rainbow after the storm. It's time that bothers me. It's not knowing when the rainbow will appear, how long the rain will last. I sit in the nursery, with his blanket on my knee and I talk to Angus. I have asked he send us a little brother or sister for him. I'm not sure what I think this will achieve. He isn't god if god even exists. Sometimes I tell myself I'm stupid, he's dead Heidi how is he going to assist in giving you a family again?! But then on the days I know better I tell myself he will because he's my baby and he loves me as I love him. I must keep faith that we will be blessed with a rainbow, from Angus.
I'm sick of people telling me it wasn't my fault that there was nothing I could have done. That's no comfort to me, it means I'm just as helpless second time around or third even sixth time if we so choose to go that far. I miss my little boy and I long to be pregnant again. Some people don't understand they think we are trying to replace Angus, we aren't we are trying to rebuild our family. For three days we were a little happy family, we will once again be a happy little family but someone will always be missing.
There have been days I wish to curl up and die, for the world to just stop. I can't let those days define me, I know I must think positive, I know that there is always a rainbow after the storm. It's time that bothers me. It's not knowing when the rainbow will appear, how long the rain will last. I sit in the nursery, with his blanket on my knee and I talk to Angus. I have asked he send us a little brother or sister for him. I'm not sure what I think this will achieve. He isn't god if god even exists. Sometimes I tell myself I'm stupid, he's dead Heidi how is he going to assist in giving you a family again?! But then on the days I know better I tell myself he will because he's my baby and he loves me as I love him. I must keep faith that we will be blessed with a rainbow, from Angus.
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