Growing a rainbow

On Tuesday the 19th of July we saw our second child for the 3rd time. The first time was at 6+5 weeks old where there really wasn't much more than a yolk sac and a beating heart, but oh how that beating heart gave us such hope. The second time was at 9+4 weeks and sure enough there was a little baby minus the limbs a yolk sac and a beating heart. At 13+2 weeks (Tuesday)there was a baby, a proper looking baby with such a strong heartbeat! This scan was so different to that of my scan with Angus, for the first one I was 10 weeks and we didn't get a great picture and the second at 20 weeks he looked like my perfect little son but was too much like his daddy and spent the whole time sleeping! But Roo (as we call this baby) was awake, oh my was she awake! She had the hiccups and every so often would jump up! She waved her little hands at mama and daddy and kicked her little feet in preparation for kicking me in the ribs in a few months! Oh it was a sight to see I cried with such relief. I haven't seen my husband light up that much since he first held Angus.

I have come to know the term rainbow baby. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. Such a lovely thing, it's such hard work growing a rainbow but oh so worth it.

I feel so exhausted and sick most days and my body has not returned to pre pregnancy state. But I get through the days because I have my son with me in my heart and his brother/sister too. I cannot wait until January the 22nd for this baby to arrive, I hope Roo is as punctual as Angus and not keep us waiting past this date as it's hubby birthday!

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Don't seem to write as much

I think this is because I feel less of a need now. At the beginning the feelings were so intense that I needed to get them out but now I don't feel the same. He would be 21 weeks old today, this is not a very special age but for some reason I'm finding today hard. I don't write about Angus as much because I've become selfish in a way, I don't want to share him with people any more I want to keep him to myself.

I've learnt a lot over these months, the days drag and I often feel isolated. I see people complain about their children and I want to scream at them. But they don't know what life without their child is like,thank goodness. If they knew such horror they too would see things differently. I want to keep Angus to myself now, I feel everyone else is living their life and rightly so. I perhaps feel not so many people think of him like I do. He was ours, he is ours and always will be. I long to hold him and tell him how beautiful he is, how proud he makes me. Instead I sit in an empty nursery and pour my heart out to an empty cot. And yes I know one day there will be a happy little baby sleeping in there but it doesn't ease the pain that there should be one in there now.

People tell me I'm strong and they admire me, for what I wonder? People like us we don't get a choice, the world keeps turning we can't just refuse to live. If only it worked like that I'd have died the moment I lost my son. So today is a bad day, I've had a lot of them lately. There was a good day a while ago, there has been good days and there will be more but it's getting through the bad days to get to the good days that takes it out of me.

People die every day but the world never really stops to think how so many lives have been changed by this event. Me, well perhaps I stop and think too much.