We are down to 89 days until our EDD, while excited I'm ever so nervous. Roo is such an active little baby I think that's her way of reassuring me. It's like every little kick is her saying "it's ok mama, I'm here to stay". I don't remember Angus being this active, perhaps I now pay more attention to it, maybe I took it for granted with Angus after a while. But while at the beginning my pregnancies seemed so similar with such awful sickness I'm starting to see the little differences. Both my babies have such different personalities, Angus was calm and relaxed rather content like his daddy. Roo however is much more active, non-stop at times more like me, oh dear we could be in for a handful! I love this little child so much, every passing day I feel more and more connected. I feared before falling pregnant that I wouldn't connect, that I wouldn't love our next baby in the same way due to the fear of another loss. But from the moment I saw her on the screen at 6+5 weeks I was smitten! Nothing more than a sac and a bean with a rapid heartbeat, but to us she was our rainbow, our future, our child. Like Angus she was made with love a pure love.
My husband has been fantastic, without him I'd be lost. I have only admiration and love for him, I want nothing more than to give him children and make him happy. I love him all the more because he's given me Angus and Roo. While both are not here yet and one never will be here again, they are our babies. My life is filled with much love and all things considered I am happy. I cannot wait to hold this much loved, much wanted baby. This beautiful rainbow, oh how life will change. I pray we aren't changed the same way that we were by Angus, there are no promises I know that. Having a baby doesn't mean bringing up a child but we must think positive and little Roo seems to know something as she kicks the laptop as I type. The cheeky little monkey! She is my whole world, our whole world all warm and snug inside my womb, we will see you soon little Roo.
Tuesday 25 October 2011
Friday 14 October 2011
Drowning
Sometimes I feel I'm drowning in a sea of tears. My arms long to feel the weight of our son, I've forgotten what he felt like. I remember what he smelt like, is that really the smell of is it my mind trying tot trick me as a way of comfort? He was 5lb 14oz when he was born and I long to feel him once more, to hold him and look at his perfect little face that looked so much like his daddys. Yet I can't look at pictures of him without feeling such pain, a feeling of being lost and wanting to die. Even now 8 months on I still grieve for him and I still have such raw feelings as it if were only yesterday. Of course I don't want to die, I have my husband and Roo. My wonderful husband, there are no words to describe him. He's been everything to me, he always has been but more so since we lost our son.
There aren't any words to describe what happens to your world when you lose a child. I have never really spoken about the way it felt, the things I thought when I found out he was gone. I remember clearly that Friday when we got home from the hospital. I went upstairs to shower while our friends removed anything baby and hid it in the nursery. I remember standing in the shower crying and screaming at that moment I wanted only one thing, my son back. I knew I'd never get him back he was gone and it was at that moment I wanted nothing more that to die, to be with him again, forever. What saved my was my husband, over the next few days/weeks there were moments where I would sob my heart out and proclaim my need to die. He looked at me, so calmly and said "it hurts me when you say that". It was at that moment I saw my need for the world to stop as selfish, although deep down I know I'd never harm myself I was worried about moments when I was alone and these thoughts consumed me. But to hear him say that, he was hurting and I was hurting him more. He'd lost his son and he needed his wife. That man is everything to me, him, our angel and this precious little one I'm carrying.
October is babyloss awareness month with this week in particular being important. On Saturday the 15th at 7pm there is a "wave of light" where we ask people to light a candle and leave it burning for at least one hour and to think of all the babies gone too soon. This week has been difficult for me with it being babyloss awareness month, our 8 month mark and my husband being in America. My little sister sent me a picture of a photo of our son and a candle. She's working tomorrow so has lit her candle today, she sent me the picture and asked if she could put it on facebook in memory of Angus. How lovely is that! I'm not alone in remembering Angus, she has pictures of him on her bedroom wall just like she does with her other 2 nephews, although those pictures will never be replaced with ones as he gets older. I hope that once Roo arrives she will still have ones of Angus up. We have two children and although some may not see it that way as neither is here we do. Angus is as much a part of our lives as Roo and always will be.
There aren't any words to describe what happens to your world when you lose a child. I have never really spoken about the way it felt, the things I thought when I found out he was gone. I remember clearly that Friday when we got home from the hospital. I went upstairs to shower while our friends removed anything baby and hid it in the nursery. I remember standing in the shower crying and screaming at that moment I wanted only one thing, my son back. I knew I'd never get him back he was gone and it was at that moment I wanted nothing more that to die, to be with him again, forever. What saved my was my husband, over the next few days/weeks there were moments where I would sob my heart out and proclaim my need to die. He looked at me, so calmly and said "it hurts me when you say that". It was at that moment I saw my need for the world to stop as selfish, although deep down I know I'd never harm myself I was worried about moments when I was alone and these thoughts consumed me. But to hear him say that, he was hurting and I was hurting him more. He'd lost his son and he needed his wife. That man is everything to me, him, our angel and this precious little one I'm carrying.
October is babyloss awareness month with this week in particular being important. On Saturday the 15th at 7pm there is a "wave of light" where we ask people to light a candle and leave it burning for at least one hour and to think of all the babies gone too soon. This week has been difficult for me with it being babyloss awareness month, our 8 month mark and my husband being in America. My little sister sent me a picture of a photo of our son and a candle. She's working tomorrow so has lit her candle today, she sent me the picture and asked if she could put it on facebook in memory of Angus. How lovely is that! I'm not alone in remembering Angus, she has pictures of him on her bedroom wall just like she does with her other 2 nephews, although those pictures will never be replaced with ones as he gets older. I hope that once Roo arrives she will still have ones of Angus up. We have two children and although some may not see it that way as neither is here we do. Angus is as much a part of our lives as Roo and always will be.
Tuesday 11 October 2011
8 months since we said goodbye
It's been 8 months now since we said goodbye. This time 8 months ago daddy was taking pictures of you, I was cuddling you and you were wide awake with such beautiful dark brown eyes. Little did we know a few hours later those eyes would never open again, that we would never feel the warmth of your skin. The last time we held you, you were cold and silent wrapped in a blanket that wasn't yours. I haven't returned to that hospital, I don't think I ever could.
That last cuddle we had I treasure so much, something I know a woman is longing to have, a cuddle with her child. She has 3 boys none of which she got to cuddle as they were so fragile when they were born fast asleep. I'm sure you know them and I hope you're playing nice. I wonder what you'd be like now at 8 months old. I think you'd have your daddys smarts and cheeky like mama. What a combination, smart enough to get away with anything cheeky and naughty. I don't think I could ever be mad at anything you ever did, not with those eyes, with your daddys lips. You were very much your daddys son. I always thought newborn babies all look the same, until I held you and saw you looked like us 50% mama 50% daddy. Even now I look at newborns and they all look different. It hurts sometimes to see little babies, knowing you should be here, knowing we have been denied that future. We're on a different path now, living a different life with a different child. A very much wanted and loved child, just like you Angus. We wanted you so much we loved you so much from first glance.
The same is true of Roo, a 6 weeks scan showed a little sac and not much more than a little bean with a flickering heart beat only 2mm big in total and my how we fell in love right there and then. Our love for you amplifies our love for Roo. Every day I'm becoming more and more aware of how precious your sibling is and I was already rather alert to this fact. But as time passes I realise it more, I worry more. I worried with you, but not as much. Worrying will not change things, the outcome will be what it will be. With you it wasn't the outcome anyone would have ever wanted. But we were bless my love, 3 days to hold you, to feed you, to bathe you. Something that not everyone gets. Although we are cursed to have to taken from us, we are bless to have known you and to love you. We love you so much, please my son look after the other little boys and girls, specially Gabriele, welcome him with open arms and a warm heart.
That last cuddle we had I treasure so much, something I know a woman is longing to have, a cuddle with her child. She has 3 boys none of which she got to cuddle as they were so fragile when they were born fast asleep. I'm sure you know them and I hope you're playing nice. I wonder what you'd be like now at 8 months old. I think you'd have your daddys smarts and cheeky like mama. What a combination, smart enough to get away with anything cheeky and naughty. I don't think I could ever be mad at anything you ever did, not with those eyes, with your daddys lips. You were very much your daddys son. I always thought newborn babies all look the same, until I held you and saw you looked like us 50% mama 50% daddy. Even now I look at newborns and they all look different. It hurts sometimes to see little babies, knowing you should be here, knowing we have been denied that future. We're on a different path now, living a different life with a different child. A very much wanted and loved child, just like you Angus. We wanted you so much we loved you so much from first glance.
The same is true of Roo, a 6 weeks scan showed a little sac and not much more than a little bean with a flickering heart beat only 2mm big in total and my how we fell in love right there and then. Our love for you amplifies our love for Roo. Every day I'm becoming more and more aware of how precious your sibling is and I was already rather alert to this fact. But as time passes I realise it more, I worry more. I worried with you, but not as much. Worrying will not change things, the outcome will be what it will be. With you it wasn't the outcome anyone would have ever wanted. But we were bless my love, 3 days to hold you, to feed you, to bathe you. Something that not everyone gets. Although we are cursed to have to taken from us, we are bless to have known you and to love you. We love you so much, please my son look after the other little boys and girls, specially Gabriele, welcome him with open arms and a warm heart.
Friday 7 October 2011
heartbreak and hope
Today was the day we all got the news, the heartbreaking news of a loving friend. We had all been praying for her, her husband and their rainbow. The fight is over now, the little one is at rest with his/her brothers. Today many hearts broke because of their loss, we all know the feeling of losing a child, we have lived it, we have worn those shoes. However they lost 3 children this year, first the twins and now this little one. What kind of world do we live in is what has been going through my head. It just isn't fair, but then nor is the world. The world isn't about being fair and giving people what they deserve. There is no karma or higher being, how can there be? I'm not sure I have faith any more, I lost it when we lost Angus but now, my word It's gone. I believe in hope but doesn't this come hand in hand with faith? Am I foolish to think I have no faith but deep down there is it. Faith that good will come, that the storm passes and there is a rainbow, the sun and the warmth. Yes I'm angry at the world, but at the same time it's the same world that have given us Roo. As I type she is kicking, while I cry knowing this is a feeling my friend longs to feel. With every passing day I realise more how very precious our little Roo is.
Some people take pregnancy for granted, I know I did. I assumed you got pregnant and had a child! My lord 15 year olds were doing it! How lucky I was to fall pregnant so quickly with Angus, how naive to think I'd have my child. He has gone now and with him the naivety of pregnancy. But I'm blessed, this I know. Cursed and blessed all at once. I will not feel sorry for myself nor think I've been given a rough blow. It's a storm we have weathered and continue to do so all our lives. I have hope that Roo will grow up to cause us all sorts of trouble (please be more like daddy than me lol). My friend still has hope in her heart, it's amazing. Strong is something you become when you have no other choice. We all have no other choice, the world continues to spin, day becomes night. We live because it isn't over for us. We cannot decide on some things but we can decide how we live with what is happening/has happened. I know that with hope in our hearts we may find what we are looking for, we may learn to live in this cruel world and find sunshine and warmth when we need it most.
Some people take pregnancy for granted, I know I did. I assumed you got pregnant and had a child! My lord 15 year olds were doing it! How lucky I was to fall pregnant so quickly with Angus, how naive to think I'd have my child. He has gone now and with him the naivety of pregnancy. But I'm blessed, this I know. Cursed and blessed all at once. I will not feel sorry for myself nor think I've been given a rough blow. It's a storm we have weathered and continue to do so all our lives. I have hope that Roo will grow up to cause us all sorts of trouble (please be more like daddy than me lol). My friend still has hope in her heart, it's amazing. Strong is something you become when you have no other choice. We all have no other choice, the world continues to spin, day becomes night. We live because it isn't over for us. We cannot decide on some things but we can decide how we live with what is happening/has happened. I know that with hope in our hearts we may find what we are looking for, we may learn to live in this cruel world and find sunshine and warmth when we need it most.
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