I was sunning myself in Italy, with my friends, family and soon to be hubby. I was unaware of the heartache that would unfold. I look at my wedding photos and I don't recognise that girl. There's a sparkle in her eyes, it looks like hope and optimism. She's 23 and has a whole life to live, a life of happiness. Then there's me 26 and feeling like 40! It's amazing the physical toll losing a child has on you as well as the mental toll.
I wish I could reach inside and grab a handful of that girl, just a little bit of her sparkle. So I adjust my thinking in the hope it will help. Life has dealt me a crap hand but it has, to a degree dealt everyone crap hands. We cannot control everything but we can control our reaction to it. I will not be defined by my loss, it will not be who I am. I will no longer allow me to be knowing as the woman who lost a baby. I am someone more than this, yes that is a massive part of me. But I'm also the woman who, when all reason told her not to immediately got pregnant again. I'm the woman who has spent many months grieving for one child and being happy for another. Strength isn't a choice, it's a necessity! The world doesn't stop turning because I've lost a child or because I'm having a bad day.
I look at my beautiful daughter, what a gift indeed. I owe her happiness, I owe her everything I've got. She deserves nothing but laughter and love. She is what matters, not my past, not who I was, but her. I must be the person I want her to become. I accept it now, I accept Angus is gone and although it breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes as I type I accept it is time to move forward. I will always grieve his loss, he will always be part of me. I am not moving on, I am moving forwards.
