First entry in a while

So, I've been so busy I haven't blogged in a while. I didn't even blog about Angus' birthday. I feel rather guilty. On his birthday however we released balloons. a white dove one and 3 blue ones, each had a message on. The tags for the messages were blue butterflies each one had wild flower sees in them so when they land they plant the seeds and flowers grow. Fitting I'd say. The day was rather emotional. Made slightly better because we had Ruby there.

I'm loving being a mama to a child I can hold but I feel so guilty at time because Angus isn't my every thought and then I get upset and cry. Which is often followed by more guilt because I'm upset when I have a perfectly healthy, happy child to look after. When we lost Angus and decided to try for a second baby I don't think I fully thought it through. Yes I desperately wanted a child but I didn't for one second consider the emotional impact it would have on me. The conflict of emotions is overwhelming. But you do what you can. I treasure every stinking nappy, every little smile. The feel of her warm skin on him and I try and block out that the last time I held Angus he was so cold.

When Ruby sleeps I sometimes put my hand on her chest to see if she's ok, we have the monitors but it's like it's not enough. When she sleeps she looks like Angus did only he was dead. As morbid (is that the right word?!) as it is. When he was dead he looked sleeping, there's a part of my brain that rationalises it as if he looked sleeping when he was dead she can be dead but look sleeping. I sometimes struggle to knock these thoughts from my head. I have a strong baby we always knew that. From the first kick we knew A. she was a girl, B. she was strong and C. she was going to be trouble. Two of those are true and so far she's no trouble but give it time lol.

Being an angel/rainbow mama is hard, it's a mind trip, it's a rollercoster of emotions that don't end when you hold that baby. It f**ks you up and makes you a bit crazy. But I need to focus on her, on our rainbow, our sunshine. The person that saved me and made me almost complete again.

This time last year...

I was sat happy and content, sure our little baby would be making an appearance in the next 48 hours, I didn't think he actually would. The memories that seemed so distant later last year and now so vivid, the run up to the labour, the labour, seeing him, holding him and being a mother. They won't stop playing in my head, the wont go away. He would be a year old tomorrow. I should be running around wrapping presents, finishing off the cake. Ah there is that word again *should*, not should Heidi stop saying that. Live life as it is not as it should be stop torturing yourself living in the alternate reality.

I know I'm blessed I have a wonderful husband and we have Ruby but I want both my babies, but I wont doesn't get, it certainly doesn't bring babies back from the dead! It's just another day, live it like any other it's just slightly more shit than some days have been. But I can't help but wonder what he would look like, would he walk, talk? Would he look as much like his daddy as he did? So much to wonder, so much to live with. I have Ruby but I can't help but be sad I don't have Angus. Play the hand you've been dealt Heidi to the best of your ability and if you break down and cry then fine, it's what's needed. He was a beautiful boy, it was a horrific loss, it's to be expected, don't put on a front just grieve.

I love you son xxx