the little spotty hat...

I keep it beside my bed, I hold it and kiss it goodnight, like I would my son. This spotty hat had become iconic. I put it on Angus hours after he was born, oh how adorable he looked. This wasn't the hat we gave to the funeral director, I gave him the little bear hat. The spotty hat was for me to keep, to hand down to his brother or sister, a present from Angus. I love this hat though sometimes it makes me cry, sometimes it breaks my heart but other times it brings me comfort. Comfort in that he was actually here, I didn't imagine him, I didn't imagine those 39 weeks of pregnancy and those three days of blissfully ignorant joy. Because sometimes it feels like I did imagine it as here I am two weeks after we lost him, no bump and no baby. Just me, heartbroken and clueless.

No appropriate title

I wish I had posted more while I was pregnant. Now it's all too late. We had the most gorgeous son on the 8th of February at 13.08 he was 5lb 14oz of perfectness! We enjoyed 3 special and precious days with him until we tragically lost him to S.I.D.S. Even as I write this I need to remind myself not to put cot death as upon doing research it can happen anywhere, any time. I have started a memorial site for him and so proud that he's raised nearly £600 already.

I won't go into details of his short life or what happened on Friday people that want to know can go to his site. I've decided to blog about my day to day feelings. I hope to keep this up (I'm easily distracted) as it may comfort me on bad days to see where I have had good days. But to be honest I don't see any good days just yet.

Me and my husband are venturing out to Carlisle, we can no longer just sit in the house. This may be a massive mistake, what if I breakdown and cry? What if I don't? does that make me a bad person? So many thoughts go rushing through my head I can't focus on just one, well I can and the one I focus on is why can't I have our son back? I long to see his face and wonder what he would look like now at a week and a half old. Instead I have a few baby grows with his scent and an empty heart.