I'm going to say it,

I'm going to say it, I don't believe in tempting fate so I'm going to just say. We're having a baby! We are going to have a baby and we are going to cope just fine. A turn of events huh? Today we went for the resus training, I won't lie there were tears. We both now feel confident about it. The woman was lovely and made us feel at ease, we were told that breathing for the baby is enough. Chances are the babys heart is healthy, it's pumping the blood round but there isn't any fresh oxygen getting in so we must breathe for the baby. With the monitor we will get we know that it's been a maximum of 20 seconds since the baby last took a breath, we know what to do and I feel we can cope now.

She showed us a little baby girl called Ruby she was born just yesterday at 32 weeks, that's how many weeks pregnant I am. Amazing to see this little girl the same size as what little Roo is, for a second I wonder how that baby can fit inside her mummy, I'm then kicked by Roo and I remember. It's a tight fit lol. Little Ruby has the apnoea monitor on, just a little box that is going to save us a whole lot of sleepless nights! It clicks away with every breath and her chest rises and falls ever so slightly. I look at her with admiration and rub my bump. It all seems real, it's so close I can almost touch it, our future. We're having a baby a little baby, a beautiful little baby whom we will watch grow up. Screw fate I'm saying it, we're having a baby, a forever baby and when that monitor alarms, which it will (more than likely a false alarm) our hearts will race and we will panic but we will cope even if when we get to Roo there is a cheeky little face peeping back at us, even if we need to do CPR we will cope. We're having a baby, we're having a baby.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a Wednesday, the day I've been dreading since finding out we were pregnant. Tomorrow is our resuscitation training. I know we need to do it to be prepared, but I'm a nurse I know CPR but when you're faced with your 3 day old baby who isn't breathing all focus goes out the window. We had to give our baby CPR and tomorrow we will be forced to relive those awful moments so that should our next child stop breathing we know what to do. I will be educationally ready but will I ever be emotionally ready to deal with that situation again? I think not. It's only and hour or so of our day, I will get on with it and do it because, like most of my days I have to. I have no choice it's just one of those things that needs done. Like getting up in the morning and doing the housework, shopping and such it is now a part of my life. A different life, a life I shouldn't be living but I am. I need to stop saying that, I need to stop saying I'm living a different life to what I should be. I need to accept this is my life now, I'm a mummy but I don't get to do mummy things, not yet. Please please be next year.

I'm ready for this baby, for Roo. Truth is I've been ready for a baby for a good year now, I was ready to mother Angus and I did. Though three short days I was his mama, I still am just in a different way. My job now as his mama is to keep his memory alive, to tell little Roo she has a big brother who loves her very much. I hope she grows to love him like I do. But can you love someone you never met? Someone who only lived for 3 days? I like to think so because our family didn't get to meet Angus and I like to think they love him, I'm sure they do I mean who wouldn't? That gorgeous little face, his daddys eyes, my nose, those kissable little lips.

I'm scared to see if Roo will look like Angus, it would break my heart but then part of me wants Roo to look like him. I think she will. I guess we just wait and see, wait and make no plans. Take each day as it comes and hope it's better than the last, hope our story gets a happy ending. Or is it a beginning? Who knows anymore I just hope our story goes on to get happier.

Today it hurts,

Today it hurts a little more than usual to think Christmas is around the corner. Last Christmas we made plans, looking at cute little Santa baby stuff and saying "won't the baby look cute in that next year". How foolish of me, how very stupid to expect I'd have a child right now. It hurts to think he isn't going to be here, it hurts to see he isn't here. My days should be very different, I should have a 9 month old son, we should be painting and baking cakes and making a mess. Instead I sit here in solitude, wondering if next year will be any different, or will I be missing two children? I'm often told not to be so negative, yet not one person that tells me that walks in my shoes. They haven't experienced losing a child, they seem to think by thinking positive everything will turn out ok. It doesn't, it hasn't and it might not. I miss my son, I miss him every second of the day. Being pregnant again isn't a magic fix like some people seem to think, yes I'm carrying another child and yes the chances of this one living are high but Angus is still gone. I still miss him, still love him and still want to hold him. Roo isn't a replacement, she's our second child but some people talk to me as if this were my first child. Little things they say, they may not even notice they have said it, but it hurts like a dagger through my heart.

I cannot help but dread Christmas, I cannot make plans for next year either because I just don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. This is our first Christmas without our son, I'd like to hide and pretend it isn't happening but it's not just about me. We have our family and our two nephews. I don't know how the day will be but perhaps I'll just be really tired and sleep a lot. I'll be 36 weeks pregnant on Christmas day, in a different reality I like to think we will be opening presents with our son. That somewhere out there, there is my husband, myself and Angus. We are happy, he's a beautiful big boy much like his daddy and cheeky like his mama. I'd get him some sort of monkey toy for Christmas because he is my little monkey. Him and his daddy. So while that version of our family are playing happy monkeys, I'll sleep and dream of that life.

11/11/11

Today is 11/11/11, remembrance day to remember those who lost their life in war. For me it's been exactly 9 months since my world ended. 9 months since I got up and dressed my son, fed him and sang to him. It's been 9 months since we saw the look on the Drs face and knew we would be going home without our boy. 9 months and I wonder where my friends are. It seem people only want to be around you when you're happy. When times get hard they run for the hills. Not just with losing a child, with anything really. I was talking to one of my few friends that hasn't done a runner. When her mum was ill a lot of her mums friends did the same. I have to wonder why this is? Why are the majority of peoples friends fair weather friends? When you need someone the most you turn around and they are gone, they don't pop round for tea, answer your calls or check how you are. Maybe it just shocks me because I'm the kind of person who would do anything for someone I care about and in return expect the same. As if losing Angus wasn't bad enough I've lost most of my friends and why? Because they don't know what to say, because I make them feel uncomfortable. Why should I care I'm dealing with enough. I shouldn't have to worry about how seeing me cry makes them feel, yet I do so I hold it in until it gets too much.

I can't do it any longer, these past few days/weeks it's come to the surface. I've broken down more times than I can count just at anything. Things no one would ever link together but to me they matter. It's time to be thankful for the few proper stand by me in any weather friends I have and forget the rest. A woman on Facebook I've come to know since losing Angus has been sharing poems she wrote when she lost her little girl. She wrote this one about friends. At times it sounds harsh but in reality it's how she felt and I think many people who have lost a child can relate.

To the 'friend' that passed me in the street
You should hang your head in shame
You didn't even say "hello"
Didn't ask me how I am

Before I lost my baby
I thought that we were close
People may ignore me
But it's YOUR actions that hurt the most!

How do you think I feel?
Thinking you don't care
If I don't have you to turn to
I get support from where?

You may not know what to say
That, I understand
But the way that you now treat me
You'd think I had this planned!

I'm not asking you to go through it
Or to feel my pain
But the fact that you dont even talk now
Hurts me just the same

I guess our friendship is over
Our closeness has reached it's end
Infact I'm so damn angry
I no longer want YOU as my friend

I didn't ask to lose my child
I'm not the one to blame
And so my new enemy
GO HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME!

Author: Christie Wildman

9 months ago I had love and friendship in my life. People always appear at the birth of a child, wanting to hold them. For Roo I'll be careful to let only those that deserve it be a part of her life. She will know love, pure unconditional love.

Sometimes I'm not me.

Sometimes I'm not me, I'm a wife, I'm a pregnant woman, I'm a mother who lost a child. I don't remember who I am any more, who "me" really is. I don't remember the last time I giggled uncontrollably or the last time I looked at my husbands eyes and didn't see our sons. I don't remember the last time I wasn't scared of losing a child. I lost Angus and I lost myself. Truth be told I lost myself years ago but that wasn't a happy me so she was better off lost. I became a new me and I was happier, I felt safer and I loved being me. I feel the last 9 months have broken me, like the rocks on the beach I too have been beaten and worn down by the rain and wind. The weather of life has ground away at my soul, my light.

I like to think that 2012 will see a different me, a happier me but I don't dare promise myself that it will. I don't know what next year will bring, it may just be more upset and misery. I try to live in the sunlight, enjoy each moment our little baby kicks, I rub my bump and smile. Talking to our baby knowing every second is precious. But I can't help wonder in the back of my mind, when is it going to come crashing down? When will my bubble burst? I know it's negative, I try to tell people how I feel and all the do is point out how negative I sound. No one can fix me, what do I expect? They don't understand. I'm in a boat along with other women who understand, those are the ones I can talk to. But I want to be able to talk to my other friends the ones I see day to day, I want them to see me as I am not as I was. I want them to look at me, really look at me so they can see I'm not the same person I was last year. I pretend sometimes that I am. We walk down the street and I stop myself from looking at little babies and drifting off. I pretend I'm not wondering at that second what life would be like with Angus here because the truth is they don't really want to hear it. They don't want to see it. Hell I don't want to live it but the difference for me is I can't pretend any more. I'm broken, I'll never heal. This is the new me and the sad fact is the new me isn't all fun and games any more. I hold my friends children and we play together, I don't look any different but inside I'm crying, my heart is aching.

I'm rambling now not sure where this is going much like my life! I pray to a god I'm not sure exists and ask that our child be let to live. That we can watch Roo grow up and prove how great we can be as parents. Nothing else matter but this little baby and my husband. This is my focus now. No more pretending it's ok, just block it out and focus Heidi, hope that we get our happy ending. Believe that our love is enough to get through this.