Today it hurts,

Today it hurts a little more than usual to think Christmas is around the corner. Last Christmas we made plans, looking at cute little Santa baby stuff and saying "won't the baby look cute in that next year". How foolish of me, how very stupid to expect I'd have a child right now. It hurts to think he isn't going to be here, it hurts to see he isn't here. My days should be very different, I should have a 9 month old son, we should be painting and baking cakes and making a mess. Instead I sit here in solitude, wondering if next year will be any different, or will I be missing two children? I'm often told not to be so negative, yet not one person that tells me that walks in my shoes. They haven't experienced losing a child, they seem to think by thinking positive everything will turn out ok. It doesn't, it hasn't and it might not. I miss my son, I miss him every second of the day. Being pregnant again isn't a magic fix like some people seem to think, yes I'm carrying another child and yes the chances of this one living are high but Angus is still gone. I still miss him, still love him and still want to hold him. Roo isn't a replacement, she's our second child but some people talk to me as if this were my first child. Little things they say, they may not even notice they have said it, but it hurts like a dagger through my heart.

I cannot help but dread Christmas, I cannot make plans for next year either because I just don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. This is our first Christmas without our son, I'd like to hide and pretend it isn't happening but it's not just about me. We have our family and our two nephews. I don't know how the day will be but perhaps I'll just be really tired and sleep a lot. I'll be 36 weeks pregnant on Christmas day, in a different reality I like to think we will be opening presents with our son. That somewhere out there, there is my husband, myself and Angus. We are happy, he's a beautiful big boy much like his daddy and cheeky like his mama. I'd get him some sort of monkey toy for Christmas because he is my little monkey. Him and his daddy. So while that version of our family are playing happy monkeys, I'll sleep and dream of that life.