Tomorrow is a Wednesday, the day I've been dreading since finding out we were pregnant. Tomorrow is our resuscitation training. I know we need to do it to be prepared, but I'm a nurse I know CPR but when you're faced with your 3 day old baby who isn't breathing all focus goes out the window. We had to give our baby CPR and tomorrow we will be forced to relive those awful moments so that should our next child stop breathing we know what to do. I will be educationally ready but will I ever be emotionally ready to deal with that situation again? I think not. It's only and hour or so of our day, I will get on with it and do it because, like most of my days I have to. I have no choice it's just one of those things that needs done. Like getting up in the morning and doing the housework, shopping and such it is now a part of my life. A different life, a life I shouldn't be living but I am. I need to stop saying that, I need to stop saying I'm living a different life to what I should be. I need to accept this is my life now, I'm a mummy but I don't get to do mummy things, not yet. Please please be next year.
I'm ready for this baby, for Roo. Truth is I've been ready for a baby for a good year now, I was ready to mother Angus and I did. Though three short days I was his mama, I still am just in a different way. My job now as his mama is to keep his memory alive, to tell little Roo she has a big brother who loves her very much. I hope she grows to love him like I do. But can you love someone you never met? Someone who only lived for 3 days? I like to think so because our family didn't get to meet Angus and I like to think they love him, I'm sure they do I mean who wouldn't? That gorgeous little face, his daddys eyes, my nose, those kissable little lips.
I'm scared to see if Roo will look like Angus, it would break my heart but then part of me wants Roo to look like him. I think she will. I guess we just wait and see, wait and make no plans. Take each day as it comes and hope it's better than the last, hope our story gets a happy ending. Or is it a beginning? Who knows anymore I just hope our story goes on to get happier.
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