11/11/11

Today is 11/11/11, remembrance day to remember those who lost their life in war. For me it's been exactly 9 months since my world ended. 9 months since I got up and dressed my son, fed him and sang to him. It's been 9 months since we saw the look on the Drs face and knew we would be going home without our boy. 9 months and I wonder where my friends are. It seem people only want to be around you when you're happy. When times get hard they run for the hills. Not just with losing a child, with anything really. I was talking to one of my few friends that hasn't done a runner. When her mum was ill a lot of her mums friends did the same. I have to wonder why this is? Why are the majority of peoples friends fair weather friends? When you need someone the most you turn around and they are gone, they don't pop round for tea, answer your calls or check how you are. Maybe it just shocks me because I'm the kind of person who would do anything for someone I care about and in return expect the same. As if losing Angus wasn't bad enough I've lost most of my friends and why? Because they don't know what to say, because I make them feel uncomfortable. Why should I care I'm dealing with enough. I shouldn't have to worry about how seeing me cry makes them feel, yet I do so I hold it in until it gets too much.

I can't do it any longer, these past few days/weeks it's come to the surface. I've broken down more times than I can count just at anything. Things no one would ever link together but to me they matter. It's time to be thankful for the few proper stand by me in any weather friends I have and forget the rest. A woman on Facebook I've come to know since losing Angus has been sharing poems she wrote when she lost her little girl. She wrote this one about friends. At times it sounds harsh but in reality it's how she felt and I think many people who have lost a child can relate.

To the 'friend' that passed me in the street
You should hang your head in shame
You didn't even say "hello"
Didn't ask me how I am

Before I lost my baby
I thought that we were close
People may ignore me
But it's YOUR actions that hurt the most!

How do you think I feel?
Thinking you don't care
If I don't have you to turn to
I get support from where?

You may not know what to say
That, I understand
But the way that you now treat me
You'd think I had this planned!

I'm not asking you to go through it
Or to feel my pain
But the fact that you dont even talk now
Hurts me just the same

I guess our friendship is over
Our closeness has reached it's end
Infact I'm so damn angry
I no longer want YOU as my friend

I didn't ask to lose my child
I'm not the one to blame
And so my new enemy
GO HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME!

Author: Christie Wildman

9 months ago I had love and friendship in my life. People always appear at the birth of a child, wanting to hold them. For Roo I'll be careful to let only those that deserve it be a part of her life. She will know love, pure unconditional love.