Sometimes I'm not me.

Sometimes I'm not me, I'm a wife, I'm a pregnant woman, I'm a mother who lost a child. I don't remember who I am any more, who "me" really is. I don't remember the last time I giggled uncontrollably or the last time I looked at my husbands eyes and didn't see our sons. I don't remember the last time I wasn't scared of losing a child. I lost Angus and I lost myself. Truth be told I lost myself years ago but that wasn't a happy me so she was better off lost. I became a new me and I was happier, I felt safer and I loved being me. I feel the last 9 months have broken me, like the rocks on the beach I too have been beaten and worn down by the rain and wind. The weather of life has ground away at my soul, my light.

I like to think that 2012 will see a different me, a happier me but I don't dare promise myself that it will. I don't know what next year will bring, it may just be more upset and misery. I try to live in the sunlight, enjoy each moment our little baby kicks, I rub my bump and smile. Talking to our baby knowing every second is precious. But I can't help wonder in the back of my mind, when is it going to come crashing down? When will my bubble burst? I know it's negative, I try to tell people how I feel and all the do is point out how negative I sound. No one can fix me, what do I expect? They don't understand. I'm in a boat along with other women who understand, those are the ones I can talk to. But I want to be able to talk to my other friends the ones I see day to day, I want them to see me as I am not as I was. I want them to look at me, really look at me so they can see I'm not the same person I was last year. I pretend sometimes that I am. We walk down the street and I stop myself from looking at little babies and drifting off. I pretend I'm not wondering at that second what life would be like with Angus here because the truth is they don't really want to hear it. They don't want to see it. Hell I don't want to live it but the difference for me is I can't pretend any more. I'm broken, I'll never heal. This is the new me and the sad fact is the new me isn't all fun and games any more. I hold my friends children and we play together, I don't look any different but inside I'm crying, my heart is aching.

I'm rambling now not sure where this is going much like my life! I pray to a god I'm not sure exists and ask that our child be let to live. That we can watch Roo grow up and prove how great we can be as parents. Nothing else matter but this little baby and my husband. This is my focus now. No more pretending it's ok, just block it out and focus Heidi, hope that we get our happy ending. Believe that our love is enough to get through this.