loss and gain

This year I lost my baby, I lost friends and family because they felt awkward. They didn't know what to say so instead they said nothing, 10 months have past and from many of them, still nothing. I'm not close with most of my family, neither of my parents ever call to ask how I'm coping or ask how our baby is. I haven't spoken to them in months and I don't intend to again. You see when you lose a child you feel so alone, you feel like you're the only one in the world that's going through this. A simple text from a friend asking "how are you?" means so much. Over time the days became easier and when the grief started to lift a little I realised I was practically alone. I had my husband, my wonderful husband. I could talk for days on just how amazing he is! There's love and then there's love. He's my best friend my soul mate (if you believe in such a thing), he's the only person who knows what I'm going through because he's going through it too.

Our best friends, Ceri and Alan, where on earth would we be without them? The amount of support they have given and continue to give us is amazing. They arranged most of the funeral for us, how heartbreaking to do that for your best friends child. It's above and beyond and I know it broke their hearts.

We have such lovely friends, strangely all coupled off with each other. They have been wonderful I feel their excitement for Roo too. My husband has a wonderful family, his mother is so much like the mother I wish I had. From his family I've a beautiful sister, I cannot wait to see her holding Roo. I've got so much support from my family in law it warms my heart. My sister in law brought tears to my eyes as she welled up feeling Roo kick her. We have all those people and it is more than enough because those are the people who want to be around us. Those are the people that deserve to share the rainbow, to bask in the glow of our upcoming sunshine.

There are people I've lost touch with, people who still feel awkward around me. Perhaps they do not like the person I've become. I didn't choose to become this person, I didn't choose this path. It was forced upon me so I walk it the best I can. I needed those people and they failed me, I won't lie it hurt and sometimes it still does. I'd love to have a close family (from my side) but I've accepted it won't happen, I've made my peace with that. This year has shown who my true friends are, they have stepped up and some have done more then I'd ever have asked for. Some have crossed the road and pretended I didn't exist. And then there are my new friends...

Some of the most amazing women I've ever known and I wouldn't have met them other wise. These people while dealing with grief themselves take the time to ask "how are you?" They try so hard to bring a smile to your face when their hearts are breaking too. They understand what you are saying even when you can't get the words out. They are my angel mummy friends, they are beautiful people with pure loving souls. I could sit here and name them all but they know who they are. These are the people I talk to every day when I have friends who live along the road and don't speak with for weeks. It's strange the bond we have, no one really wants it. We don't want to be in this boat together but we are and we are glad we are together. Being stuck in hell with loving friends is far better than being stuck down there alone.

So anyways, I ramble on about what I've lost but to give it balance I add what I have gained and while nothing can ever balance out the loss of a child it makes a small difference to my day. I hope next year is nothing but happiness, happiness, dirty nappies and hugs from our little Roo. I'm ready to take on the lack of sleep the mountains of washing reusable nappies and the mess because it's what I've longed for so very very much.

I miss our little boy.

Last night we put the Christmas tree up, we hung some lovely decorations for Angus,

The second one was made by a lovely friend of mine. It just makes me so sad as I sit here and look at my tree, wondering what Angus would make of it all. he's be 10 months old and I just know he would be pulling the decorations down. It's so hard to imagine living the rest of my life without him. It's been over 10 months since we last held him and told him how much we loved him. His beautiful little face, lifeless and cold. I look at the pictures we have up of him and that's how I want to remember him. His cute little nose and his daddys eyes. Such a gorgeous child, such a blessing. I long to look into those eyes just one more time and see that sparkle. I miss him so so much. I'm not excited for Christmas, I was last year. I'll not make that mistake again, being fooled into thinking this time next year I'll have a child.

It sounds awful to say doesn't it, people are shocked when I tell them that's how I feel. But I know all too well that it can be taken from you in a second, all the planning, the wanting and aspirations. One day it's all there and then it's gone. No nightmare can ever compare to losing a child, I'm living my worst fear, my worst nightmare is my life. And yes there are elements of hope, we have a little kicking bump. Our beautiful little Roo, I don't take a second for granted this may be all I have of her. The thing about fears is they say face them to get over them. If you're scared of spiders you can be cured, if you fear losing a child and you lose a child you're not over that fear, you're forever scared you will lose another child. I can't stand that thought, I push it to the back of my mind but it's still there, that little niggle, that little "what if?"

There are 3 people I love most in this world, I made two of them with the other one of them! No matter what happens these are the ones that count. My husband and our children. We have almost made it through this tough year and I pray next year is filled with more joy than heartache. Little Angus won't be here for his first birthday and it breaks my heart, I miss him, I miss him so much I just have to look at his pictures and I cry. He should be with me, having snuggles and watching frozen planet! I really need to stop saying should, I should have a different life, I don't, just accept it Heidi. I'm not sure I can ever accept that he isn't here.

Random act of kindness

After reading Small Bird Studio 12 days of Christmas with you in heaven, day 5 I decided to do this one. Basically I'm asking friends, family, anyone who reads this to do something nice for someone else. It can be anything, from helping someone carry their shopping to the car to donating a present to a children's ward. Anything that is a selfless act you wouldn't usually do. The idea is that you do a random act of kindness in memory of our son. Once you have done your act email me at heidi@heidiwu.co.uk and tell me what you have done. I will then, on Christmas eve print them all out (without peeking) and put them in a little blue stocking for Angus. On Christmas day my husband and I will read each one and know that each kind act preformed was in memory of our little boy. This is a gift not only for us but for yourselves and the person you help with your act. I'm a firm believer that is giving not receiving that warms the heart. I thank you in advance for taking part should you wish to do so and thank you for helping keep Angus' memory alive at this difficult time of year for us.

I'm going to say it,

I'm going to say it, I don't believe in tempting fate so I'm going to just say. We're having a baby! We are going to have a baby and we are going to cope just fine. A turn of events huh? Today we went for the resus training, I won't lie there were tears. We both now feel confident about it. The woman was lovely and made us feel at ease, we were told that breathing for the baby is enough. Chances are the babys heart is healthy, it's pumping the blood round but there isn't any fresh oxygen getting in so we must breathe for the baby. With the monitor we will get we know that it's been a maximum of 20 seconds since the baby last took a breath, we know what to do and I feel we can cope now.

She showed us a little baby girl called Ruby she was born just yesterday at 32 weeks, that's how many weeks pregnant I am. Amazing to see this little girl the same size as what little Roo is, for a second I wonder how that baby can fit inside her mummy, I'm then kicked by Roo and I remember. It's a tight fit lol. Little Ruby has the apnoea monitor on, just a little box that is going to save us a whole lot of sleepless nights! It clicks away with every breath and her chest rises and falls ever so slightly. I look at her with admiration and rub my bump. It all seems real, it's so close I can almost touch it, our future. We're having a baby a little baby, a beautiful little baby whom we will watch grow up. Screw fate I'm saying it, we're having a baby, a forever baby and when that monitor alarms, which it will (more than likely a false alarm) our hearts will race and we will panic but we will cope even if when we get to Roo there is a cheeky little face peeping back at us, even if we need to do CPR we will cope. We're having a baby, we're having a baby.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a Wednesday, the day I've been dreading since finding out we were pregnant. Tomorrow is our resuscitation training. I know we need to do it to be prepared, but I'm a nurse I know CPR but when you're faced with your 3 day old baby who isn't breathing all focus goes out the window. We had to give our baby CPR and tomorrow we will be forced to relive those awful moments so that should our next child stop breathing we know what to do. I will be educationally ready but will I ever be emotionally ready to deal with that situation again? I think not. It's only and hour or so of our day, I will get on with it and do it because, like most of my days I have to. I have no choice it's just one of those things that needs done. Like getting up in the morning and doing the housework, shopping and such it is now a part of my life. A different life, a life I shouldn't be living but I am. I need to stop saying that, I need to stop saying I'm living a different life to what I should be. I need to accept this is my life now, I'm a mummy but I don't get to do mummy things, not yet. Please please be next year.

I'm ready for this baby, for Roo. Truth is I've been ready for a baby for a good year now, I was ready to mother Angus and I did. Though three short days I was his mama, I still am just in a different way. My job now as his mama is to keep his memory alive, to tell little Roo she has a big brother who loves her very much. I hope she grows to love him like I do. But can you love someone you never met? Someone who only lived for 3 days? I like to think so because our family didn't get to meet Angus and I like to think they love him, I'm sure they do I mean who wouldn't? That gorgeous little face, his daddys eyes, my nose, those kissable little lips.

I'm scared to see if Roo will look like Angus, it would break my heart but then part of me wants Roo to look like him. I think she will. I guess we just wait and see, wait and make no plans. Take each day as it comes and hope it's better than the last, hope our story gets a happy ending. Or is it a beginning? Who knows anymore I just hope our story goes on to get happier.

Today it hurts,

Today it hurts a little more than usual to think Christmas is around the corner. Last Christmas we made plans, looking at cute little Santa baby stuff and saying "won't the baby look cute in that next year". How foolish of me, how very stupid to expect I'd have a child right now. It hurts to think he isn't going to be here, it hurts to see he isn't here. My days should be very different, I should have a 9 month old son, we should be painting and baking cakes and making a mess. Instead I sit here in solitude, wondering if next year will be any different, or will I be missing two children? I'm often told not to be so negative, yet not one person that tells me that walks in my shoes. They haven't experienced losing a child, they seem to think by thinking positive everything will turn out ok. It doesn't, it hasn't and it might not. I miss my son, I miss him every second of the day. Being pregnant again isn't a magic fix like some people seem to think, yes I'm carrying another child and yes the chances of this one living are high but Angus is still gone. I still miss him, still love him and still want to hold him. Roo isn't a replacement, she's our second child but some people talk to me as if this were my first child. Little things they say, they may not even notice they have said it, but it hurts like a dagger through my heart.

I cannot help but dread Christmas, I cannot make plans for next year either because I just don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. This is our first Christmas without our son, I'd like to hide and pretend it isn't happening but it's not just about me. We have our family and our two nephews. I don't know how the day will be but perhaps I'll just be really tired and sleep a lot. I'll be 36 weeks pregnant on Christmas day, in a different reality I like to think we will be opening presents with our son. That somewhere out there, there is my husband, myself and Angus. We are happy, he's a beautiful big boy much like his daddy and cheeky like his mama. I'd get him some sort of monkey toy for Christmas because he is my little monkey. Him and his daddy. So while that version of our family are playing happy monkeys, I'll sleep and dream of that life.

11/11/11

Today is 11/11/11, remembrance day to remember those who lost their life in war. For me it's been exactly 9 months since my world ended. 9 months since I got up and dressed my son, fed him and sang to him. It's been 9 months since we saw the look on the Drs face and knew we would be going home without our boy. 9 months and I wonder where my friends are. It seem people only want to be around you when you're happy. When times get hard they run for the hills. Not just with losing a child, with anything really. I was talking to one of my few friends that hasn't done a runner. When her mum was ill a lot of her mums friends did the same. I have to wonder why this is? Why are the majority of peoples friends fair weather friends? When you need someone the most you turn around and they are gone, they don't pop round for tea, answer your calls or check how you are. Maybe it just shocks me because I'm the kind of person who would do anything for someone I care about and in return expect the same. As if losing Angus wasn't bad enough I've lost most of my friends and why? Because they don't know what to say, because I make them feel uncomfortable. Why should I care I'm dealing with enough. I shouldn't have to worry about how seeing me cry makes them feel, yet I do so I hold it in until it gets too much.

I can't do it any longer, these past few days/weeks it's come to the surface. I've broken down more times than I can count just at anything. Things no one would ever link together but to me they matter. It's time to be thankful for the few proper stand by me in any weather friends I have and forget the rest. A woman on Facebook I've come to know since losing Angus has been sharing poems she wrote when she lost her little girl. She wrote this one about friends. At times it sounds harsh but in reality it's how she felt and I think many people who have lost a child can relate.

To the 'friend' that passed me in the street
You should hang your head in shame
You didn't even say "hello"
Didn't ask me how I am

Before I lost my baby
I thought that we were close
People may ignore me
But it's YOUR actions that hurt the most!

How do you think I feel?
Thinking you don't care
If I don't have you to turn to
I get support from where?

You may not know what to say
That, I understand
But the way that you now treat me
You'd think I had this planned!

I'm not asking you to go through it
Or to feel my pain
But the fact that you dont even talk now
Hurts me just the same

I guess our friendship is over
Our closeness has reached it's end
Infact I'm so damn angry
I no longer want YOU as my friend

I didn't ask to lose my child
I'm not the one to blame
And so my new enemy
GO HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME!

Author: Christie Wildman

9 months ago I had love and friendship in my life. People always appear at the birth of a child, wanting to hold them. For Roo I'll be careful to let only those that deserve it be a part of her life. She will know love, pure unconditional love.

Sometimes I'm not me.

Sometimes I'm not me, I'm a wife, I'm a pregnant woman, I'm a mother who lost a child. I don't remember who I am any more, who "me" really is. I don't remember the last time I giggled uncontrollably or the last time I looked at my husbands eyes and didn't see our sons. I don't remember the last time I wasn't scared of losing a child. I lost Angus and I lost myself. Truth be told I lost myself years ago but that wasn't a happy me so she was better off lost. I became a new me and I was happier, I felt safer and I loved being me. I feel the last 9 months have broken me, like the rocks on the beach I too have been beaten and worn down by the rain and wind. The weather of life has ground away at my soul, my light.

I like to think that 2012 will see a different me, a happier me but I don't dare promise myself that it will. I don't know what next year will bring, it may just be more upset and misery. I try to live in the sunlight, enjoy each moment our little baby kicks, I rub my bump and smile. Talking to our baby knowing every second is precious. But I can't help wonder in the back of my mind, when is it going to come crashing down? When will my bubble burst? I know it's negative, I try to tell people how I feel and all the do is point out how negative I sound. No one can fix me, what do I expect? They don't understand. I'm in a boat along with other women who understand, those are the ones I can talk to. But I want to be able to talk to my other friends the ones I see day to day, I want them to see me as I am not as I was. I want them to look at me, really look at me so they can see I'm not the same person I was last year. I pretend sometimes that I am. We walk down the street and I stop myself from looking at little babies and drifting off. I pretend I'm not wondering at that second what life would be like with Angus here because the truth is they don't really want to hear it. They don't want to see it. Hell I don't want to live it but the difference for me is I can't pretend any more. I'm broken, I'll never heal. This is the new me and the sad fact is the new me isn't all fun and games any more. I hold my friends children and we play together, I don't look any different but inside I'm crying, my heart is aching.

I'm rambling now not sure where this is going much like my life! I pray to a god I'm not sure exists and ask that our child be let to live. That we can watch Roo grow up and prove how great we can be as parents. Nothing else matter but this little baby and my husband. This is my focus now. No more pretending it's ok, just block it out and focus Heidi, hope that we get our happy ending. Believe that our love is enough to get through this.

89 days

We are down to 89 days until our EDD, while excited I'm ever so nervous. Roo is such an active little baby I think that's her way of reassuring me. It's like every little kick is her saying "it's ok mama, I'm here to stay". I don't remember Angus being this active, perhaps I now pay more attention to it, maybe I took it for granted with Angus after a while. But while at the beginning my pregnancies seemed so similar with such awful sickness I'm starting to see the little differences. Both my babies have such different personalities, Angus was calm and relaxed rather content like his daddy. Roo however is much more active, non-stop at times more like me, oh dear we could be in for a handful! I love this little child so much, every passing day I feel more and more connected. I feared before falling pregnant that I wouldn't connect, that I wouldn't love our next baby in the same way due to the fear of another loss. But from the moment I saw her on the screen at 6+5 weeks I was smitten! Nothing more than a sac and a bean with a rapid heartbeat, but to us she was our rainbow, our future, our child. Like Angus she was made with love a pure love.

My husband has been fantastic, without him I'd be lost. I have only admiration and love for him, I want nothing more than to give him children and make him happy. I love him all the more because he's given me Angus and Roo. While both are not here yet and one never will be here again, they are our babies. My life is filled with much love and all things considered I am happy. I cannot wait to hold this much loved, much wanted baby. This beautiful rainbow, oh how life will change. I pray we aren't changed the same way that we were by Angus, there are no promises I know that. Having a baby doesn't mean bringing up a child but we must think positive and little Roo seems to know something as she kicks the laptop as I type. The cheeky little monkey! She is my whole world, our whole world all warm and snug inside my womb, we will see you soon little Roo.

Drowning

Sometimes I feel I'm drowning in a sea of tears. My arms long to feel the weight of our son, I've forgotten what he felt like. I remember what he smelt like, is that really the smell of is it my mind trying tot trick me as a way of comfort? He was 5lb 14oz when he was born and I long to feel him once more, to hold him and look at his perfect little face that looked so much like his daddys. Yet I can't look at pictures of him without feeling such pain, a feeling of being lost and wanting to die. Even now 8 months on I still grieve for him and I still have such raw feelings as it if were only yesterday. Of course I don't want to die, I have my husband and Roo. My wonderful husband, there are no words to describe him. He's been everything to me, he always has been but more so since we lost our son.

There aren't any words to describe what happens to your world when you lose a child. I have never really spoken about the way it felt, the things I thought when I found out he was gone. I remember clearly that Friday when we got home from the hospital. I went upstairs to shower while our friends removed anything baby and hid it in the nursery. I remember standing in the shower crying and screaming at that moment I wanted only one thing, my son back. I knew I'd never get him back he was gone and it was at that moment I wanted nothing more that to die, to be with him again, forever. What saved my was my husband, over the next few days/weeks there were moments where I would sob my heart out and proclaim my need to die. He looked at me, so calmly and said "it hurts me when you say that". It was at that moment I saw my need for the world to stop as selfish, although deep down I know I'd never harm myself I was worried about moments when I was alone and these thoughts consumed me. But to hear him say that, he was hurting and I was hurting him more. He'd lost his son and he needed his wife. That man is everything to me, him, our angel and this precious little one I'm carrying.

October is babyloss awareness month with this week in particular being important. On Saturday the 15th at 7pm there is a "wave of light" where we ask people to light a candle and leave it burning for at least one hour and to think of all the babies gone too soon. This week has been difficult for me with it being babyloss awareness month, our 8 month mark and my husband being in America. My little sister sent me a picture of a photo of our son and a candle. She's working tomorrow so has lit her candle today, she sent me the picture and asked if she could put it on facebook in memory of Angus. How lovely is that! I'm not alone in remembering Angus, she has pictures of him on her bedroom wall just like she does with her other 2 nephews, although those pictures will never be replaced with ones as he gets older. I hope that once Roo arrives she will still have ones of Angus up. We have two children and although some may not see it that way as neither is here we do. Angus is as much a part of our lives as Roo and always will be.

8 months since we said goodbye

It's been 8 months now since we said goodbye. This time 8 months ago daddy was taking pictures of you, I was cuddling you and you were wide awake with such beautiful dark brown eyes. Little did we know a few hours later those eyes would never open again, that we would never feel the warmth of your skin. The last time we held you, you were cold and silent wrapped in a blanket that wasn't yours. I haven't returned to that hospital, I don't think I ever could.

That last cuddle we had I treasure so much, something I know a woman is longing to have, a cuddle with her child. She has 3 boys none of which she got to cuddle as they were so fragile when they were born fast asleep. I'm sure you know them and I hope you're playing nice. I wonder what you'd be like now at 8 months old. I think you'd have your daddys smarts and cheeky like mama. What a combination, smart enough to get away with anything cheeky and naughty. I don't think I could ever be mad at anything you ever did, not with those eyes, with your daddys lips. You were very much your daddys son. I always thought newborn babies all look the same, until I held you and saw you looked like us 50% mama 50% daddy. Even now I look at newborns and they all look different. It hurts sometimes to see little babies, knowing you should be here, knowing we have been denied that future. We're on a different path now, living a different life with a different child. A very much wanted and loved child, just like you Angus. We wanted you so much we loved you so much from first glance.

The same is true of Roo, a 6 weeks scan showed a little sac and not much more than a little bean with a flickering heart beat only 2mm big in total and my how we fell in love right there and then. Our love for you amplifies our love for Roo. Every day I'm becoming more and more aware of how precious your sibling is and I was already rather alert to this fact. But as time passes I realise it more, I worry more. I worried with you, but not as much. Worrying will not change things, the outcome will be what it will be. With you it wasn't the outcome anyone would have ever wanted. But we were bless my love, 3 days to hold you, to feed you, to bathe you. Something that not everyone gets. Although we are cursed to have to taken from us, we are bless to have known you and to love you. We love you so much, please my son look after the other little boys and girls, specially Gabriele, welcome him with open arms and a warm heart.

heartbreak and hope

Today was the day we all got the news, the heartbreaking news of a loving friend. We had all been praying for her, her husband and their rainbow. The fight is over now, the little one is at rest with his/her brothers. Today many hearts broke because of their loss, we all know the feeling of losing a child, we have lived it, we have worn those shoes. However they lost 3 children this year, first the twins and now this little one. What kind of world do we live in is what has been going through my head. It just isn't fair, but then nor is the world. The world isn't about being fair and giving people what they deserve. There is no karma or higher being, how can there be? I'm not sure I have faith any more, I lost it when we lost Angus but now, my word It's gone. I believe in hope but doesn't this come hand in hand with faith? Am I foolish to think I have no faith but deep down there is it. Faith that good will come, that the storm passes and there is a rainbow, the sun and the warmth. Yes I'm angry at the world, but at the same time it's the same world that have given us Roo. As I type she is kicking, while I cry knowing this is a feeling my friend longs to feel. With every passing day I realise more how very precious our little Roo is.

Some people take pregnancy for granted, I know I did. I assumed you got pregnant and had a child! My lord 15 year olds were doing it! How lucky I was to fall pregnant so quickly with Angus, how naive to think I'd have my child. He has gone now and with him the naivety of pregnancy. But I'm blessed, this I know. Cursed and blessed all at once. I will not feel sorry for myself nor think I've been given a rough blow. It's a storm we have weathered and continue to do so all our lives. I have hope that Roo will grow up to cause us all sorts of trouble (please be more like daddy than me lol). My friend still has hope in her heart, it's amazing. Strong is something you become when you have no other choice. We all have no other choice, the world continues to spin, day becomes night. We live because it isn't over for us. We cannot decide on some things but we can decide how we live with what is happening/has happened. I know that with hope in our hearts we may find what we are looking for, we may learn to live in this cruel world and find sunshine and warmth when we need it most.

Lost for words

Today I'm lost for words, gutted that we live in a world so cruel. My aunt passed away last night, peacefully in her sleep. She was diagnosed with cancer only 4 short weeks ago. It had gone unnoticed for years but had spread to her liver and only then was it picked up. It was so bad that it took very little time to claim her life. I wonder if it was better that way, only knowing for 4 weeks you had cancer rather than years trying to fight it. But at the same time what if they caught it earlier, she might still be here.

I just can't comprehend this world. My aunt (great aunt) was 74 and yes she had a good long life, that is of some comfort when I think our son only had 3 days. But I have a friend, whom I've mentioned before. She is 26 weeks pregnant and her baby is struggling to fight to stay alive. 74 years on earth compared with 26 weeks in a loving mothers womb.

When my aunt was dying I didn't pray for her, I knew it was too late. I prayed for my friend, I continue to pray for my friend hoping there is a miracle around the corner. I ask you do the same, just for a minute, for a second, just take a moment and pray for her, her husband and their child. Hope is not lost, not yet, there is a tiny flicker in the darkened sky. Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all.

Four candles slowly burned
The ambience was so soft one could almost hear them talking
The first candle said "I am Peace"
"The world is so full of anger and fighting that nobody can keep me alight"
Then the candle of peace went out completely.
The the second candle said
"I am Faith"
"I am no longer indispensable
It does not make any sense that I stay awake one moment longer."
Then a breeze softly blew out Faith's flame.
Sadly the third candle began to speak
"I am Love"
"People don't understand my importance,
So they put me aside.
They even forget to love nearest to them.
I don't have the strength to stay alight"
And waiting no longer the candle of Love went out.
A child entered the room where the candles were
And saw that three of the candles were unlit.
"Why are you not burning?" said the child
"You are supposed to stay alight until the very end"
And the child was frightened and began to cry.
The the fourth candle said
"Don't be afraid. I am hope,
And while I am burning we can light the other candles"
With shining eyes the child took the candle of Hope
And lit the other candles.
The flame of Hope should never go out from your life,
And with Hope each of us can have a life
With Peace, Faith and Love.

It's not a kind world, it's not a fair fight.

Today I heard some news that made me cry. I have a friend whom I met after we lost Angus. She lost twin boys at 25+2 weeks. She's as wonderful friend, a wonderful person. A loving, kind and caring person. She's currently 24 weeks pregnant and today she was told 'the outlook for this pregnancy is extremely poor, she has Chronic Histiocytic Intervillositis (CHI). This link is to a facebook page with only 50 members, 50 members who have lost children to the same thing. It is so rare they don't know what causes it! Her little baby is still small for how many weeks pregnant she is, and doesn't move a great deal. There is a high probability that it will reoccur and a high rate of fetal mortality.

I pray for her and ask you do the same. Send love, send positive vibes, just stop and think about her and her baby, her babies. Please pray that her little baby puts on some weight so that she can deliver this baby and give it a fighting chance. Please pray that this world isn't as cold and cruel as we think it is. Pray that a mother can take home her child.

My love is with her, her husband and their child.

20 weeks and 7 months

7 months ago today we held our son for the first time, a memory I hold so dearly. 7 months ago today he first came home and slept in his moses basket. Today I washed the bedding on the basket, the little jungle animal cover in which my son slept, in which he passed. I decided it was time after a successful 20 week and 3 day scan yesterday where we saw our beautiful second child wriggling around and playing his his/her feet, yawning away and basically being very active.

We call this baby a girl although we don't know and her nickname is Roo. Well we have a Roo blanket which belonged to Angus, he came home from the hospital in it and was promptly sick while daddy was holding him! That blanket is also in the wash along with about 40 reusable nappies! I cried my eyes out as I spoke to Angus hoping he understood why I needed to do this. You see I want Roo to have as many connections to Angus as she can. I had thought about not washing the moses basket cover but what if something were to happen to Roo I'd never forgive myself and for my whole life I'd think it was because of that. I know it sounds silly but when we lost Angus I was convinced that it was because we got him a blue blanket and didn't wash it! Turns out not every parent washes everything they give to their child to wear or to sleep in. So this stuff is in the wash and although sad I'm at peace with my choice to wash them now. Today I feel strong enough to do so, empowered perhaps by knowing Roo is safe and happy. I think at which ever point I decided to wash these things I'd cry, it's emotional to me and I feel very proud that I can take that positive step. I haven't washed the one blue blanket and the one boy outfit he wore (he has another boy outfit which is in a memory box, the rest of the time was unisex stuff, which my best friend washed just after we lost him, although sad at the time I'm thankful she did so). I shall wash them should we have a boy as the outfit I just have a need to see a happy boy in a boy who's older than 3 days, who's alive and healthy. I don't expect people to understand it but it's important to me.

So today is 7 months since our son was born and I'm 20 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I'm at peace but I'm sad, I'm happy but I'm not complete. I have moved forward but I'm stuck.

Nearly half way

I'm almost 19 weeks pregnant now and looking forward to our next scan. Roo is a very active baby always kicking and responds well to daddys voice. I think we have a daddys girl on our hands! Although I sometimes struggle with being pregnant again I feel so blessed to have Roo. She reminds me that although filled with darkness there is also light in the world. I feel confident that Roo is our forever baby, the one we get to watch grow up, teach how to bake cakes and how to tie her laces.

I always find it strange when I think of children, a little blank canvas to make into a person. A person who will go out in the world and be someone, someone special. I want our children to love, if nothing else just to love and to be loved and above all be happy. We have saw the greatest of tragedies but we have known the greatest of loves. To have two children one to arrive soon the other has been and gone. Both of which we hold dearly in our hearts with an overwhelming love, a love I've never felt before.

Growing a rainbow

On Tuesday the 19th of July we saw our second child for the 3rd time. The first time was at 6+5 weeks old where there really wasn't much more than a yolk sac and a beating heart, but oh how that beating heart gave us such hope. The second time was at 9+4 weeks and sure enough there was a little baby minus the limbs a yolk sac and a beating heart. At 13+2 weeks (Tuesday)there was a baby, a proper looking baby with such a strong heartbeat! This scan was so different to that of my scan with Angus, for the first one I was 10 weeks and we didn't get a great picture and the second at 20 weeks he looked like my perfect little son but was too much like his daddy and spent the whole time sleeping! But Roo (as we call this baby) was awake, oh my was she awake! She had the hiccups and every so often would jump up! She waved her little hands at mama and daddy and kicked her little feet in preparation for kicking me in the ribs in a few months! Oh it was a sight to see I cried with such relief. I haven't seen my husband light up that much since he first held Angus.

I have come to know the term rainbow baby. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. Such a lovely thing, it's such hard work growing a rainbow but oh so worth it.

I feel so exhausted and sick most days and my body has not returned to pre pregnancy state. But I get through the days because I have my son with me in my heart and his brother/sister too. I cannot wait until January the 22nd for this baby to arrive, I hope Roo is as punctual as Angus and not keep us waiting past this date as it's hubby birthday!

test

testsing

Don't seem to write as much

I think this is because I feel less of a need now. At the beginning the feelings were so intense that I needed to get them out but now I don't feel the same. He would be 21 weeks old today, this is not a very special age but for some reason I'm finding today hard. I don't write about Angus as much because I've become selfish in a way, I don't want to share him with people any more I want to keep him to myself.

I've learnt a lot over these months, the days drag and I often feel isolated. I see people complain about their children and I want to scream at them. But they don't know what life without their child is like,thank goodness. If they knew such horror they too would see things differently. I want to keep Angus to myself now, I feel everyone else is living their life and rightly so. I perhaps feel not so many people think of him like I do. He was ours, he is ours and always will be. I long to hold him and tell him how beautiful he is, how proud he makes me. Instead I sit in an empty nursery and pour my heart out to an empty cot. And yes I know one day there will be a happy little baby sleeping in there but it doesn't ease the pain that there should be one in there now.

People tell me I'm strong and they admire me, for what I wonder? People like us we don't get a choice, the world keeps turning we can't just refuse to live. If only it worked like that I'd have died the moment I lost my son. So today is a bad day, I've had a lot of them lately. There was a good day a while ago, there has been good days and there will be more but it's getting through the bad days to get to the good days that takes it out of me.

People die every day but the world never really stops to think how so many lives have been changed by this event. Me, well perhaps I stop and think too much.

International Babylost Mothers day

The first Sunday in May is International Babylost Mothers Day, a day I never knew existed until we lost our son. At first I didn't want to acknowledge such a day but after a while thinking about it I wanted to. You see Mothers Day itself is all good and well we are mothers after all but a day to celebrate the mothers who can't hold their babies in their arms and only us mummies is a very special day indeed.

People always say how strong I am, I can usually stop myself from slapping them in the face! It's not strength that gets you through the days, it's adaptability. We have to adapt to this new life a life we didn't choose. Eventually we get stronger and the dark days get less, it doesn't mean it stops hurting it never will. Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength. I'm not sure you even cope with losing a child I think you just live. You plod along until little things creep into your life that make you smile and laugh. It's true what I was told, you do feel guilty at first. But why should you feel guilty for living your life, you need to live your life the world doesn't just stop turning life goes on and like it or not your part of it.

I sit writing this in bed with a cup of tea, today I feel at peace with the world but it could have ended up a very different entry, it could have been dark and depressing. But last night I couldn't sleep, I looked out of the skylight window in our hall and saw some beautiful stars, there was one star shining so bright I just knew it was my little boy and it reminded me of this quote "Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." My little Angus is happy, he was always a happy baby, more so when daddy would talk to him while he was still a bump oh how he would kick at the sound of daddys voice. I think it helped, he bonded with daddy as much as he did with me while I was pregnant and he was so very content when daddy help him for hours after he was born.

It's now a sunny morning and I feel that's my little boy telling me I should be happy today, he knows sunshine makes mummy happy and even when there is rain he sends me a rainbow which are my most favourite things along with unicorns, my husband and my precious little Angus. I carry you in my heart and soul son, you are with me everyday and shall never be forgotten. Such a precious little boy so full of love and I feel that love all around me.

To all mothers who hold their babies only in their heart and soul, I wish you a peaceful day and love light and hope for the future. We are wonderful mamas, so precious and beautiful xxx

You are stronger than me

When you lose a child your life doesn't just change, you're shattered on the insdie, blown to bits, heartbroken. It takes a long time for those pieces to come back together again. I'm not looking for your pity it's better for me to talk than to keep everything all inside. I don't want you to think I'm selfish but can't you see how much I'm hurting? Sometimes I take out my baby's things, smell them, caress them, hug and kiss them and rock them until the tears stop falling. Please don't turn a blind eye to me. If you think it's too painful for you multiply that by infinity and you might have a vague idea of how much pain I'm in. I did not ask for this to happen. I do ask for your love and support. If you can't think of anything to say then just listen to me. Let me borrow your shoulder. Surely you are stronger than I am and you can help me by simply being there.

feeling isolated

I haven't been feeling so positive lately. I'm not sure why but I feel very isolated, I find people I used to be very close to now seem so distant. It hurts that I lost my son and now I'm losing friends too at the time I need them most. It just doesn't seem fair, I haven't done anything why should I suffer am I not suffering enough? It makes me angry at those people who can't face their own discomfort to comfort me. It's selfish to say the least. Or maybe I'm just angry. I understand people don't know what to say to me, that isn't my fault I didn't ask for this to happen.

I pretend I'm ok because that's what people expect of me. They want me to be the old Heidi but I know she died along with my son. There's no going back and although I try to look to the future there are days where I struggle to do so. Today I'm a 4 (out of 10, with 10 being great). I know I need to find the small things to get me through the day but I've been lonely today with things circling my head. I just wish it would all stop. Some times the good out weights the bad but some times the bad drowns the good.

This morning,

This morning I received a beautiful handmade butterfly charm from an lovely woman I have met through a group for pregnancy and infant loss. Her precious twin boys were born sleeping at 25+2 weeks on the 7th of January this year. Although I do not know her I feel we have a bond. Being positive and comforting to another is both comforting and positive for me. As humans we rarely take our own advice, "you shouldn't do that", "do this". Yet we go and do the things we shouldn't and don't take on board our own advice. This morning that changed for me, not only did I get a beautiful charm I got hope. I have attached this charm to a bracelet that I don't take off (it's made of rose quartz, which apparently helps fertility and protects the mother and baby). Anyways I had spoke to Claudia and been of some comfort to her (well as much as you can when someone is dealing with such a tragedy), there are no real words of comfort, I know as people have tried to comfort me with no avail. She sent me this charm as a way of thanks and she also sent me hope. I look at this butterfly and I think of her, her little boys and of course Angus. It reminds me of the very hungry caterpillar which I sat in the nursery and read aloud to Angus the other day. It reminds me that the caterpillar became a butterfly. Although the caterpillar is gone there is something in it's place, something beautiful and new. I guess what I'm trying to say is although we no longer have our son, our beautiful precious Angus, I have hope that one day I will be blessed with a butterfly (another baby if you haven't already sussed the analogy lol).

It's time not to forget Angus but perhaps not to devote my whole day to mourning his loss. To get up in the morning and prepare myself mentally and physically to get pregnant again. If the mind is not ready then the body is not ready. It's all very easy said than done! I cannot live in the past, I must live in the present and look to the future, carrying Angus in my heart so that he too can be in my future, not how I would like but there none the less. He made me a better person. With the help from family and friends we raised money, I've learnt to knit so that our other children with have one off hats and booties, I've grown closer than ever to my husband and I have a new appreciation for life. Angus I thank you for what you have done for mummy and Claudia, I thank you for sending me the butterfly along with hope. You are very special indeed, both of you.

Finding it difficult

The sun is shining yet I don't feel the happiness that other feel when the sun warms their skin. I feel cold and alone. I'm starting to find it difficult to look at pictures of my beautiful son, when I look at them I feel cheated. He should be here with me, I should be deprived of sleep because of a new born baby not because I wake in the night crying. I can't see when things will get better. I know that he will always be missing but I will have more children, one day. I long for that day more than anything. I know I can never get Angus back, he's gone. But I can give him a little brother or sister and want to so bad. I'm so aware of what can go wrong now, I'm scared something happens when I do get pregnant. I know I shouldn't worry. I imagine no matter how much I worry my fear will be worse once the baby is here, no amount of breathing monitors and sensor mats will help.

I keep thinking about it, I keep asking why us? Why my boy? He was beautiful and perfect and planned to the very last detail. What have I done that was so awful that meant I couldn't keep the baby I longed for?! It makes me so angry, it makes me so sad. I sat in bed last night realising I'm going to feel this way forever, he's always going to be missing and although I will have other children to keep me busy I won't have my first born son.

I don't like Sundays

I don't like many days it would appear. I don't like Mondays, that was our sons funeral. I don't like Tuesdays, Angus was born on a Tuesday. I liked that Tuesday, the 8th of February, I liked it very much. I don't like Fridays, that was the day our hearts got broken. I don't like Saturdays or Sundays as we never got to spend a weekend with him. That leaves me Wednesdays and Thursdays which I don't much like at the moment! I guess what I'm trying to say is, every day is connected somehow to Angus, to our love and our loss.

I'm sick of people telling me it wasn't my fault that there was nothing I could have done. That's no comfort to me, it means I'm just as helpless second time around or third even sixth time if we so choose to go that far. I miss my little boy and I long to be pregnant again. Some people don't understand they think we are trying to replace Angus, we aren't we are trying to rebuild our family. For three days we were a little happy family, we will once again be a happy little family but someone will always be missing.

There have been days I wish to curl up and die, for the world to just stop. I can't let those days define me, I know I must think positive, I know that there is always a rainbow after the storm. It's time that bothers me. It's not knowing when the rainbow will appear, how long the rain will last. I sit in the nursery, with his blanket on my knee and I talk to Angus. I have asked he send us a little brother or sister for him. I'm not sure what I think this will achieve. He isn't god if god even exists. Sometimes I tell myself I'm stupid, he's dead Heidi how is he going to assist in giving you a family again?! But then on the days I know better I tell myself he will because he's my baby and he loves me as I love him. I must keep faith that we will be blessed with a rainbow, from Angus.

the little spotty hat...

I keep it beside my bed, I hold it and kiss it goodnight, like I would my son. This spotty hat had become iconic. I put it on Angus hours after he was born, oh how adorable he looked. This wasn't the hat we gave to the funeral director, I gave him the little bear hat. The spotty hat was for me to keep, to hand down to his brother or sister, a present from Angus. I love this hat though sometimes it makes me cry, sometimes it breaks my heart but other times it brings me comfort. Comfort in that he was actually here, I didn't imagine him, I didn't imagine those 39 weeks of pregnancy and those three days of blissfully ignorant joy. Because sometimes it feels like I did imagine it as here I am two weeks after we lost him, no bump and no baby. Just me, heartbroken and clueless.

No appropriate title

I wish I had posted more while I was pregnant. Now it's all too late. We had the most gorgeous son on the 8th of February at 13.08 he was 5lb 14oz of perfectness! We enjoyed 3 special and precious days with him until we tragically lost him to S.I.D.S. Even as I write this I need to remind myself not to put cot death as upon doing research it can happen anywhere, any time. I have started a memorial site for him and so proud that he's raised nearly £600 already.

I won't go into details of his short life or what happened on Friday people that want to know can go to his site. I've decided to blog about my day to day feelings. I hope to keep this up (I'm easily distracted) as it may comfort me on bad days to see where I have had good days. But to be honest I don't see any good days just yet.

Me and my husband are venturing out to Carlisle, we can no longer just sit in the house. This may be a massive mistake, what if I breakdown and cry? What if I don't? does that make me a bad person? So many thoughts go rushing through my head I can't focus on just one, well I can and the one I focus on is why can't I have our son back? I long to see his face and wonder what he would look like now at a week and a half old. Instead I have a few baby grows with his scent and an empty heart.