I don't like Sundays

I don't like many days it would appear. I don't like Mondays, that was our sons funeral. I don't like Tuesdays, Angus was born on a Tuesday. I liked that Tuesday, the 8th of February, I liked it very much. I don't like Fridays, that was the day our hearts got broken. I don't like Saturdays or Sundays as we never got to spend a weekend with him. That leaves me Wednesdays and Thursdays which I don't much like at the moment! I guess what I'm trying to say is, every day is connected somehow to Angus, to our love and our loss.

I'm sick of people telling me it wasn't my fault that there was nothing I could have done. That's no comfort to me, it means I'm just as helpless second time around or third even sixth time if we so choose to go that far. I miss my little boy and I long to be pregnant again. Some people don't understand they think we are trying to replace Angus, we aren't we are trying to rebuild our family. For three days we were a little happy family, we will once again be a happy little family but someone will always be missing.

There have been days I wish to curl up and die, for the world to just stop. I can't let those days define me, I know I must think positive, I know that there is always a rainbow after the storm. It's time that bothers me. It's not knowing when the rainbow will appear, how long the rain will last. I sit in the nursery, with his blanket on my knee and I talk to Angus. I have asked he send us a little brother or sister for him. I'm not sure what I think this will achieve. He isn't god if god even exists. Sometimes I tell myself I'm stupid, he's dead Heidi how is he going to assist in giving you a family again?! But then on the days I know better I tell myself he will because he's my baby and he loves me as I love him. I must keep faith that we will be blessed with a rainbow, from Angus.