Sleep

My baby mostly gets 8 hours sleep, but mama doesn't. Why? Because I'm a peeper! I stare at her in amazement, wondering what little thing she is learning in her sleep. I watch her hand open and close as she practices grasping. Her little lips make a suckling motion as she dreams of milk. Her expressions chance, she grimices and smiles. She is a little under 4 months old, 4 months have flown by. I wonder where the time has gone and what I've done. I know I've spent my days watching her, teaching her. I've spent a good majority of the last 4 months just watching, she is a wonder. She is precious and she warms ny heart.

She sleeps 8 hours and I long for her to wake. Such a change from the early days of being tired and wanting sleep. I almost wish I could go back and tell myself to enjoy the night feeds, they don't last forever. But I thought I had longer than this! I thought I had longer with Angus, I thought we had life. Well we had life, his but I thought we would have all of mine. So now at night I peep, I linger a little longer before putting her to bed. When she is in bed my arms long to hold her.

Night feeds are the best! I lay there with her little face staring at me while she is nomming on my breasts. I can tell by her eyes she is happy, like me she enjoys these moments. There is no one else in the world, just us, in the moment. I am blessed, I know this and I treasure this. This child, having only been in my life 4 months, feels like she belongs. She is a piece of me, the best piece.

Three years ago..

I was sunning myself in Italy, with my friends, family and soon to be hubby. I was unaware of the heartache that would unfold. I look at my wedding photos and I don't recognise that girl. There's a sparkle in her eyes, it looks like hope and optimism. She's 23 and has a whole life to live, a life of happiness. Then there's me 26 and feeling like 40! It's amazing the physical toll losing a child has on you as well as the mental toll.

I wish I could reach inside and grab a handful of that girl, just a little bit of her sparkle. So I adjust my thinking in the hope it will help. Life has dealt me a crap hand but it has, to a degree dealt everyone crap hands. We cannot control everything but we can control our reaction to it. I will not be defined by my loss, it will not be who I am. I will no longer allow me to be knowing as the woman who lost a baby. I am someone more than this, yes that is a massive part of me. But I'm also the woman who, when all reason told her not to immediately got pregnant again. I'm the woman who has spent many months grieving for one child and being happy for another. Strength isn't a choice, it's a necessity! The world doesn't stop turning because I've lost a child or because I'm having a bad day.

I look at my beautiful daughter, what a gift indeed. I owe her happiness, I owe her everything I've got. She deserves nothing but laughter and love. She is what matters, not my past, not who I was, but her. I must be the person I want her to become. I accept it now, I accept Angus is gone and although it breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes as I type I accept it is time to move forward. I will always grieve his loss, he will always be part of me. I am not moving on, I am moving forwards.

"A year is more than enough"

<p>I was at the Dr for my postnatal check, what a waste of time she checked nothing not even my bp! She prescribed me birth control that I didn't ask for and didn't want. A few week prior to this I had got a breastfeeding safe pill but it didn't agree with me. I said I didn't want another, she didn't listen. She went on to tell me I should think about bottles and formula, so I can go on the combined pill. My daughter at exactly 7 week old weighed 11lb 14oz, that was only yesterday! I expressed that I wished to go to at least a year to which I was told "a year is more than enough". Then why does WHO recommend 2 years? If this is what a Dr thinks then what does society think? Well I know what  they think. They think boobs are for page 3 and selling cars not for feeding children in public! I am aware not everyone thinks that way, there are those who respect the breast. But still my bloody Dr! Should I not be encouraged? I don't want praise for feeding my child, I don't get praised for feeding myself, breastfeeding is no different. But I'd like it to be up to me or Roo when I stop. I won't stop because she's pushing a pill to stop me getting pregnant. I told her straight "I've lost a child, I'll take a fertilize egg where I can get one."

She then asked about Angus, asked how I was coping. It felt like she was prodding a wound, hoping it would bleed, willing me cry so she could say I've got pnd and prescribe me antidepressant, I think they're on commission! I feel like people are waiting on me to crumble, to admit defeat and say I can't cope. Truth is I can and I am. I'm doing it with little to none family support. I'm doing it without many friends because they feel uncomfortable with my loss. Perhaps it reminds them of their own mortality or perhaps they are really bad friends!

So this is what it feels like to have people waiting on you ti fall, expecting it. Well guess what people, it's not happening, I've a beautiful baby girl who keeps me strong and yes I deeply miss my son and I won't lie I don't think I've come to terms with his death but lets face it, could you?

Little green light

There's a little green light, it's drives me nuts but it keeps me sane. This little green light flashes every time our daughter breathes or moves. At night when she is settled in her cot, I stare at this little green light waiting on the next flash. Holding my breath, willing it to flash. Sometimes it lingers a little longer, it's not flashing. I hear a grunt and then it flashes. Who knows what that little person does at night, in her sleep but she sure does give mama a fright.

I watch this little green light as I drift off to sleep, I swear I see it in my dreams! Each morning I'm thankful we made it through the night before. Each morning I'm thankful my child is alive. Other mothers are thankful for a lie in, I however am thankful to be woke at 2am, 4am, 6am or whenever she so wishes to wake. The sound of her stirring, of her dreaming, is music to my ears. Each time I pick her up to feed her, I stare at her beauty, the peacefulness in her face. I sit with my hand on her chest feeling every breath. I wish I had taken each moment, each breath Angus took and treasured it. But you never think you will need to remember what it felt like to feel your child breathe, until he stops.

First entry in a while

So, I've been so busy I haven't blogged in a while. I didn't even blog about Angus' birthday. I feel rather guilty. On his birthday however we released balloons. a white dove one and 3 blue ones, each had a message on. The tags for the messages were blue butterflies each one had wild flower sees in them so when they land they plant the seeds and flowers grow. Fitting I'd say. The day was rather emotional. Made slightly better because we had Ruby there.

I'm loving being a mama to a child I can hold but I feel so guilty at time because Angus isn't my every thought and then I get upset and cry. Which is often followed by more guilt because I'm upset when I have a perfectly healthy, happy child to look after. When we lost Angus and decided to try for a second baby I don't think I fully thought it through. Yes I desperately wanted a child but I didn't for one second consider the emotional impact it would have on me. The conflict of emotions is overwhelming. But you do what you can. I treasure every stinking nappy, every little smile. The feel of her warm skin on him and I try and block out that the last time I held Angus he was so cold.

When Ruby sleeps I sometimes put my hand on her chest to see if she's ok, we have the monitors but it's like it's not enough. When she sleeps she looks like Angus did only he was dead. As morbid (is that the right word?!) as it is. When he was dead he looked sleeping, there's a part of my brain that rationalises it as if he looked sleeping when he was dead she can be dead but look sleeping. I sometimes struggle to knock these thoughts from my head. I have a strong baby we always knew that. From the first kick we knew A. she was a girl, B. she was strong and C. she was going to be trouble. Two of those are true and so far she's no trouble but give it time lol.

Being an angel/rainbow mama is hard, it's a mind trip, it's a rollercoster of emotions that don't end when you hold that baby. It f**ks you up and makes you a bit crazy. But I need to focus on her, on our rainbow, our sunshine. The person that saved me and made me almost complete again.

This time last year...

I was sat happy and content, sure our little baby would be making an appearance in the next 48 hours, I didn't think he actually would. The memories that seemed so distant later last year and now so vivid, the run up to the labour, the labour, seeing him, holding him and being a mother. They won't stop playing in my head, the wont go away. He would be a year old tomorrow. I should be running around wrapping presents, finishing off the cake. Ah there is that word again *should*, not should Heidi stop saying that. Live life as it is not as it should be stop torturing yourself living in the alternate reality.

I know I'm blessed I have a wonderful husband and we have Ruby but I want both my babies, but I wont doesn't get, it certainly doesn't bring babies back from the dead! It's just another day, live it like any other it's just slightly more shit than some days have been. But I can't help but wonder what he would look like, would he walk, talk? Would he look as much like his daddy as he did? So much to wonder, so much to live with. I have Ruby but I can't help but be sad I don't have Angus. Play the hand you've been dealt Heidi to the best of your ability and if you break down and cry then fine, it's what's needed. He was a beautiful boy, it was a horrific loss, it's to be expected, don't put on a front just grieve.

I love you son xxx

Our rainbow

Well here we are, a week after our rainbow was born. At 05.11 on the 16th of January 2012, 6 days early like her big brother Ruby Ruth Wu was born. Yup Roo was a girl, mama really does know best! After a nice easy labour and deliver, yet again with no pain relief or gas and air we are thrilled she is here. We delayed cord clamping to ensure she got all the oxygen rich blood back into her body. It took 20 minutes and a further 60 to deliver the placenta (without the job). I'd wanted it to be as natural as possible, regardless of what had happened with Angus this was a different labour, a different baby. I'd already proved I could do it all in the way closest to nature that suited us. A helathy 7lb 6oz at birth, a shocker compared to the 5lb 14oz of Angus.

When she first came out my goodness she looked like Angus. But there was something different, she was chunkier, screaming and demanding to be fed! She just looked like she was here to stay and for that I'm thankful. It was eerily similar yet so different. Two different children who have moments when they look the same, but they couldn't look more different.

Ruby is breastfeeding beautifully, a healthy weight gain since the initial loss of only 6%, today a week later she's only got 1oz to go before being back at birth weight, weight day tomorrow! And yes I'm exhausted feeding on demand, but my god is it worth it to see those eyes open and look at you, knowing you've given her the best start, knowing she is thriving purely because of you. We are so in love with her, and fear though it still remains is by far out weighed by joy and love. The past 11 months since losing Angus have been so awful and yes we always had hope but now we can hold that hope in our arms, bath her, fed her and physically be with her. She is amazing, she is everything.

Andy is just fantastic with her, our family is complete once more. Our little rainbow is here and although the storm is still above us we have a beautiful bright rainbow.