I was sat happy and content, sure our little baby would be making an appearance in the next 48 hours, I didn't think he actually would. The memories that seemed so distant later last year and now so vivid, the run up to the labour, the labour, seeing him, holding him and being a mother. They won't stop playing in my head, the wont go away. He would be a year old tomorrow. I should be running around wrapping presents, finishing off the cake. Ah there is that word again *should*, not should Heidi stop saying that. Live life as it is not as it should be stop torturing yourself living in the alternate reality.
I know I'm blessed I have a wonderful husband and we have Ruby but I want both my babies, but I wont doesn't get, it certainly doesn't bring babies back from the dead! It's just another day, live it like any other it's just slightly more shit than some days have been. But I can't help but wonder what he would look like, would he walk, talk? Would he look as much like his daddy as he did? So much to wonder, so much to live with. I have Ruby but I can't help but be sad I don't have Angus. Play the hand you've been dealt Heidi to the best of your ability and if you break down and cry then fine, it's what's needed. He was a beautiful boy, it was a horrific loss, it's to be expected, don't put on a front just grieve.
I love you son xxx
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