loss and gain

This year I lost my baby, I lost friends and family because they felt awkward. They didn't know what to say so instead they said nothing, 10 months have past and from many of them, still nothing. I'm not close with most of my family, neither of my parents ever call to ask how I'm coping or ask how our baby is. I haven't spoken to them in months and I don't intend to again. You see when you lose a child you feel so alone, you feel like you're the only one in the world that's going through this. A simple text from a friend asking "how are you?" means so much. Over time the days became easier and when the grief started to lift a little I realised I was practically alone. I had my husband, my wonderful husband. I could talk for days on just how amazing he is! There's love and then there's love. He's my best friend my soul mate (if you believe in such a thing), he's the only person who knows what I'm going through because he's going through it too.

Our best friends, Ceri and Alan, where on earth would we be without them? The amount of support they have given and continue to give us is amazing. They arranged most of the funeral for us, how heartbreaking to do that for your best friends child. It's above and beyond and I know it broke their hearts.

We have such lovely friends, strangely all coupled off with each other. They have been wonderful I feel their excitement for Roo too. My husband has a wonderful family, his mother is so much like the mother I wish I had. From his family I've a beautiful sister, I cannot wait to see her holding Roo. I've got so much support from my family in law it warms my heart. My sister in law brought tears to my eyes as she welled up feeling Roo kick her. We have all those people and it is more than enough because those are the people who want to be around us. Those are the people that deserve to share the rainbow, to bask in the glow of our upcoming sunshine.

There are people I've lost touch with, people who still feel awkward around me. Perhaps they do not like the person I've become. I didn't choose to become this person, I didn't choose this path. It was forced upon me so I walk it the best I can. I needed those people and they failed me, I won't lie it hurt and sometimes it still does. I'd love to have a close family (from my side) but I've accepted it won't happen, I've made my peace with that. This year has shown who my true friends are, they have stepped up and some have done more then I'd ever have asked for. Some have crossed the road and pretended I didn't exist. And then there are my new friends...

Some of the most amazing women I've ever known and I wouldn't have met them other wise. These people while dealing with grief themselves take the time to ask "how are you?" They try so hard to bring a smile to your face when their hearts are breaking too. They understand what you are saying even when you can't get the words out. They are my angel mummy friends, they are beautiful people with pure loving souls. I could sit here and name them all but they know who they are. These are the people I talk to every day when I have friends who live along the road and don't speak with for weeks. It's strange the bond we have, no one really wants it. We don't want to be in this boat together but we are and we are glad we are together. Being stuck in hell with loving friends is far better than being stuck down there alone.

So anyways, I ramble on about what I've lost but to give it balance I add what I have gained and while nothing can ever balance out the loss of a child it makes a small difference to my day. I hope next year is nothing but happiness, happiness, dirty nappies and hugs from our little Roo. I'm ready to take on the lack of sleep the mountains of washing reusable nappies and the mess because it's what I've longed for so very very much.

I miss our little boy.

Last night we put the Christmas tree up, we hung some lovely decorations for Angus,

The second one was made by a lovely friend of mine. It just makes me so sad as I sit here and look at my tree, wondering what Angus would make of it all. he's be 10 months old and I just know he would be pulling the decorations down. It's so hard to imagine living the rest of my life without him. It's been over 10 months since we last held him and told him how much we loved him. His beautiful little face, lifeless and cold. I look at the pictures we have up of him and that's how I want to remember him. His cute little nose and his daddys eyes. Such a gorgeous child, such a blessing. I long to look into those eyes just one more time and see that sparkle. I miss him so so much. I'm not excited for Christmas, I was last year. I'll not make that mistake again, being fooled into thinking this time next year I'll have a child.

It sounds awful to say doesn't it, people are shocked when I tell them that's how I feel. But I know all too well that it can be taken from you in a second, all the planning, the wanting and aspirations. One day it's all there and then it's gone. No nightmare can ever compare to losing a child, I'm living my worst fear, my worst nightmare is my life. And yes there are elements of hope, we have a little kicking bump. Our beautiful little Roo, I don't take a second for granted this may be all I have of her. The thing about fears is they say face them to get over them. If you're scared of spiders you can be cured, if you fear losing a child and you lose a child you're not over that fear, you're forever scared you will lose another child. I can't stand that thought, I push it to the back of my mind but it's still there, that little niggle, that little "what if?"

There are 3 people I love most in this world, I made two of them with the other one of them! No matter what happens these are the ones that count. My husband and our children. We have almost made it through this tough year and I pray next year is filled with more joy than heartache. Little Angus won't be here for his first birthday and it breaks my heart, I miss him, I miss him so much I just have to look at his pictures and I cry. He should be with me, having snuggles and watching frozen planet! I really need to stop saying should, I should have a different life, I don't, just accept it Heidi. I'm not sure I can ever accept that he isn't here.

Random act of kindness

After reading Small Bird Studio 12 days of Christmas with you in heaven, day 5 I decided to do this one. Basically I'm asking friends, family, anyone who reads this to do something nice for someone else. It can be anything, from helping someone carry their shopping to the car to donating a present to a children's ward. Anything that is a selfless act you wouldn't usually do. The idea is that you do a random act of kindness in memory of our son. Once you have done your act email me at heidi@heidiwu.co.uk and tell me what you have done. I will then, on Christmas eve print them all out (without peeking) and put them in a little blue stocking for Angus. On Christmas day my husband and I will read each one and know that each kind act preformed was in memory of our little boy. This is a gift not only for us but for yourselves and the person you help with your act. I'm a firm believer that is giving not receiving that warms the heart. I thank you in advance for taking part should you wish to do so and thank you for helping keep Angus' memory alive at this difficult time of year for us.