"A year is more than enough"

<p>I was at the Dr for my postnatal check, what a waste of time she checked nothing not even my bp! She prescribed me birth control that I didn't ask for and didn't want. A few week prior to this I had got a breastfeeding safe pill but it didn't agree with me. I said I didn't want another, she didn't listen. She went on to tell me I should think about bottles and formula, so I can go on the combined pill. My daughter at exactly 7 week old weighed 11lb 14oz, that was only yesterday! I expressed that I wished to go to at least a year to which I was told "a year is more than enough". Then why does WHO recommend 2 years? If this is what a Dr thinks then what does society think? Well I know what  they think. They think boobs are for page 3 and selling cars not for feeding children in public! I am aware not everyone thinks that way, there are those who respect the breast. But still my bloody Dr! Should I not be encouraged? I don't want praise for feeding my child, I don't get praised for feeding myself, breastfeeding is no different. But I'd like it to be up to me or Roo when I stop. I won't stop because she's pushing a pill to stop me getting pregnant. I told her straight "I've lost a child, I'll take a fertilize egg where I can get one."

She then asked about Angus, asked how I was coping. It felt like she was prodding a wound, hoping it would bleed, willing me cry so she could say I've got pnd and prescribe me antidepressant, I think they're on commission! I feel like people are waiting on me to crumble, to admit defeat and say I can't cope. Truth is I can and I am. I'm doing it with little to none family support. I'm doing it without many friends because they feel uncomfortable with my loss. Perhaps it reminds them of their own mortality or perhaps they are really bad friends!

So this is what it feels like to have people waiting on you ti fall, expecting it. Well guess what people, it's not happening, I've a beautiful baby girl who keeps me strong and yes I deeply miss my son and I won't lie I don't think I've come to terms with his death but lets face it, could you?

Little green light

There's a little green light, it's drives me nuts but it keeps me sane. This little green light flashes every time our daughter breathes or moves. At night when she is settled in her cot, I stare at this little green light waiting on the next flash. Holding my breath, willing it to flash. Sometimes it lingers a little longer, it's not flashing. I hear a grunt and then it flashes. Who knows what that little person does at night, in her sleep but she sure does give mama a fright.

I watch this little green light as I drift off to sleep, I swear I see it in my dreams! Each morning I'm thankful we made it through the night before. Each morning I'm thankful my child is alive. Other mothers are thankful for a lie in, I however am thankful to be woke at 2am, 4am, 6am or whenever she so wishes to wake. The sound of her stirring, of her dreaming, is music to my ears. Each time I pick her up to feed her, I stare at her beauty, the peacefulness in her face. I sit with my hand on her chest feeling every breath. I wish I had taken each moment, each breath Angus took and treasured it. But you never think you will need to remember what it felt like to feel your child breathe, until he stops.