The second one was made by a lovely friend of mine. It just makes me so sad as I sit here and look at my tree, wondering what Angus would make of it all. he's be 10 months old and I just know he would be pulling the decorations down. It's so hard to imagine living the rest of my life without him. It's been over 10 months since we last held him and told him how much we loved him. His beautiful little face, lifeless and cold. I look at the pictures we have up of him and that's how I want to remember him. His cute little nose and his daddys eyes. Such a gorgeous child, such a blessing. I long to look into those eyes just one more time and see that sparkle. I miss him so so much. I'm not excited for Christmas, I was last year. I'll not make that mistake again, being fooled into thinking this time next year I'll have a child.
It sounds awful to say doesn't it, people are shocked when I tell them that's how I feel. But I know all too well that it can be taken from you in a second, all the planning, the wanting and aspirations. One day it's all there and then it's gone. No nightmare can ever compare to losing a child, I'm living my worst fear, my worst nightmare is my life. And yes there are elements of hope, we have a little kicking bump. Our beautiful little Roo, I don't take a second for granted this may be all I have of her. The thing about fears is they say face them to get over them. If you're scared of spiders you can be cured, if you fear losing a child and you lose a child you're not over that fear, you're forever scared you will lose another child. I can't stand that thought, I push it to the back of my mind but it's still there, that little niggle, that little "what if?"
There are 3 people I love most in this world, I made two of them with the other one of them! No matter what happens these are the ones that count. My husband and our children. We have almost made it through this tough year and I pray next year is filled with more joy than heartache. Little Angus won't be here for his first birthday and it breaks my heart, I miss him, I miss him so much I just have to look at his pictures and I cry. He should be with me, having snuggles and watching frozen planet! I really need to stop saying should, I should have a different life, I don't, just accept it Heidi. I'm not sure I can ever accept that he isn't here.
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