This year I lost my baby, I lost friends and family because they felt awkward. They didn't know what to say so instead they said nothing, 10 months have past and from many of them, still nothing. I'm not close with most of my family, neither of my parents ever call to ask how I'm coping or ask how our baby is. I haven't spoken to them in months and I don't intend to again. You see when you lose a child you feel so alone, you feel like you're the only one in the world that's going through this. A simple text from a friend asking "how are you?" means so much. Over time the days became easier and when the grief started to lift a little I realised I was practically alone. I had my husband, my wonderful husband. I could talk for days on just how amazing he is! There's love and then there's love. He's my best friend my soul mate (if you believe in such a thing), he's the only person who knows what I'm going through because he's going through it too.
Our best friends, Ceri and Alan, where on earth would we be without them? The amount of support they have given and continue to give us is amazing. They arranged most of the funeral for us, how heartbreaking to do that for your best friends child. It's above and beyond and I know it broke their hearts.
We have such lovely friends, strangely all coupled off with each other. They have been wonderful I feel their excitement for Roo too. My husband has a wonderful family, his mother is so much like the mother I wish I had. From his family I've a beautiful sister, I cannot wait to see her holding Roo. I've got so much support from my family in law it warms my heart. My sister in law brought tears to my eyes as she welled up feeling Roo kick her. We have all those people and it is more than enough because those are the people who want to be around us. Those are the people that deserve to share the rainbow, to bask in the glow of our upcoming sunshine.
There are people I've lost touch with, people who still feel awkward around me. Perhaps they do not like the person I've become. I didn't choose to become this person, I didn't choose this path. It was forced upon me so I walk it the best I can. I needed those people and they failed me, I won't lie it hurt and sometimes it still does. I'd love to have a close family (from my side) but I've accepted it won't happen, I've made my peace with that. This year has shown who my true friends are, they have stepped up and some have done more then I'd ever have asked for. Some have crossed the road and pretended I didn't exist. And then there are my new friends...
Some of the most amazing women I've ever known and I wouldn't have met them other wise. These people while dealing with grief themselves take the time to ask "how are you?" They try so hard to bring a smile to your face when their hearts are breaking too. They understand what you are saying even when you can't get the words out. They are my angel mummy friends, they are beautiful people with pure loving souls. I could sit here and name them all but they know who they are. These are the people I talk to every day when I have friends who live along the road and don't speak with for weeks. It's strange the bond we have, no one really wants it. We don't want to be in this boat together but we are and we are glad we are together. Being stuck in hell with loving friends is far better than being stuck down there alone.
So anyways, I ramble on about what I've lost but to give it balance I add what I have gained and while nothing can ever balance out the loss of a child it makes a small difference to my day. I hope next year is nothing but happiness, happiness, dirty nappies and hugs from our little Roo. I'm ready to take on the lack of sleep the mountains of washing reusable nappies and the mess because it's what I've longed for so very very much.
No comments:
Post a Comment