This morning,

This morning I received a beautiful handmade butterfly charm from an lovely woman I have met through a group for pregnancy and infant loss. Her precious twin boys were born sleeping at 25+2 weeks on the 7th of January this year. Although I do not know her I feel we have a bond. Being positive and comforting to another is both comforting and positive for me. As humans we rarely take our own advice, "you shouldn't do that", "do this". Yet we go and do the things we shouldn't and don't take on board our own advice. This morning that changed for me, not only did I get a beautiful charm I got hope. I have attached this charm to a bracelet that I don't take off (it's made of rose quartz, which apparently helps fertility and protects the mother and baby). Anyways I had spoke to Claudia and been of some comfort to her (well as much as you can when someone is dealing with such a tragedy), there are no real words of comfort, I know as people have tried to comfort me with no avail. She sent me this charm as a way of thanks and she also sent me hope. I look at this butterfly and I think of her, her little boys and of course Angus. It reminds me of the very hungry caterpillar which I sat in the nursery and read aloud to Angus the other day. It reminds me that the caterpillar became a butterfly. Although the caterpillar is gone there is something in it's place, something beautiful and new. I guess what I'm trying to say is although we no longer have our son, our beautiful precious Angus, I have hope that one day I will be blessed with a butterfly (another baby if you haven't already sussed the analogy lol).

It's time not to forget Angus but perhaps not to devote my whole day to mourning his loss. To get up in the morning and prepare myself mentally and physically to get pregnant again. If the mind is not ready then the body is not ready. It's all very easy said than done! I cannot live in the past, I must live in the present and look to the future, carrying Angus in my heart so that he too can be in my future, not how I would like but there none the less. He made me a better person. With the help from family and friends we raised money, I've learnt to knit so that our other children with have one off hats and booties, I've grown closer than ever to my husband and I have a new appreciation for life. Angus I thank you for what you have done for mummy and Claudia, I thank you for sending me the butterfly along with hope. You are very special indeed, both of you.