The sun is shining yet I don't feel the happiness that other feel when the sun warms their skin. I feel cold and alone. I'm starting to find it difficult to look at pictures of my beautiful son, when I look at them I feel cheated. He should be here with me, I should be deprived of sleep because of a new born baby not because I wake in the night crying. I can't see when things will get better. I know that he will always be missing but I will have more children, one day. I long for that day more than anything. I know I can never get Angus back, he's gone. But I can give him a little brother or sister and want to so bad. I'm so aware of what can go wrong now, I'm scared something happens when I do get pregnant. I know I shouldn't worry. I imagine no matter how much I worry my fear will be worse once the baby is here, no amount of breathing monitors and sensor mats will help.
I keep thinking about it, I keep asking why us? Why my boy? He was beautiful and perfect and planned to the very last detail. What have I done that was so awful that meant I couldn't keep the baby I longed for?! It makes me so angry, it makes me so sad. I sat in bed last night realising I'm going to feel this way forever, he's always going to be missing and although I will have other children to keep me busy I won't have my first born son.
No comments:
Post a Comment