Drowning

Sometimes I feel I'm drowning in a sea of tears. My arms long to feel the weight of our son, I've forgotten what he felt like. I remember what he smelt like, is that really the smell of is it my mind trying tot trick me as a way of comfort? He was 5lb 14oz when he was born and I long to feel him once more, to hold him and look at his perfect little face that looked so much like his daddys. Yet I can't look at pictures of him without feeling such pain, a feeling of being lost and wanting to die. Even now 8 months on I still grieve for him and I still have such raw feelings as it if were only yesterday. Of course I don't want to die, I have my husband and Roo. My wonderful husband, there are no words to describe him. He's been everything to me, he always has been but more so since we lost our son.

There aren't any words to describe what happens to your world when you lose a child. I have never really spoken about the way it felt, the things I thought when I found out he was gone. I remember clearly that Friday when we got home from the hospital. I went upstairs to shower while our friends removed anything baby and hid it in the nursery. I remember standing in the shower crying and screaming at that moment I wanted only one thing, my son back. I knew I'd never get him back he was gone and it was at that moment I wanted nothing more that to die, to be with him again, forever. What saved my was my husband, over the next few days/weeks there were moments where I would sob my heart out and proclaim my need to die. He looked at me, so calmly and said "it hurts me when you say that". It was at that moment I saw my need for the world to stop as selfish, although deep down I know I'd never harm myself I was worried about moments when I was alone and these thoughts consumed me. But to hear him say that, he was hurting and I was hurting him more. He'd lost his son and he needed his wife. That man is everything to me, him, our angel and this precious little one I'm carrying.

October is babyloss awareness month with this week in particular being important. On Saturday the 15th at 7pm there is a "wave of light" where we ask people to light a candle and leave it burning for at least one hour and to think of all the babies gone too soon. This week has been difficult for me with it being babyloss awareness month, our 8 month mark and my husband being in America. My little sister sent me a picture of a photo of our son and a candle. She's working tomorrow so has lit her candle today, she sent me the picture and asked if she could put it on facebook in memory of Angus. How lovely is that! I'm not alone in remembering Angus, she has pictures of him on her bedroom wall just like she does with her other 2 nephews, although those pictures will never be replaced with ones as he gets older. I hope that once Roo arrives she will still have ones of Angus up. We have two children and although some may not see it that way as neither is here we do. Angus is as much a part of our lives as Roo and always will be.