8 months since we said goodbye

It's been 8 months now since we said goodbye. This time 8 months ago daddy was taking pictures of you, I was cuddling you and you were wide awake with such beautiful dark brown eyes. Little did we know a few hours later those eyes would never open again, that we would never feel the warmth of your skin. The last time we held you, you were cold and silent wrapped in a blanket that wasn't yours. I haven't returned to that hospital, I don't think I ever could.

That last cuddle we had I treasure so much, something I know a woman is longing to have, a cuddle with her child. She has 3 boys none of which she got to cuddle as they were so fragile when they were born fast asleep. I'm sure you know them and I hope you're playing nice. I wonder what you'd be like now at 8 months old. I think you'd have your daddys smarts and cheeky like mama. What a combination, smart enough to get away with anything cheeky and naughty. I don't think I could ever be mad at anything you ever did, not with those eyes, with your daddys lips. You were very much your daddys son. I always thought newborn babies all look the same, until I held you and saw you looked like us 50% mama 50% daddy. Even now I look at newborns and they all look different. It hurts sometimes to see little babies, knowing you should be here, knowing we have been denied that future. We're on a different path now, living a different life with a different child. A very much wanted and loved child, just like you Angus. We wanted you so much we loved you so much from first glance.

The same is true of Roo, a 6 weeks scan showed a little sac and not much more than a little bean with a flickering heart beat only 2mm big in total and my how we fell in love right there and then. Our love for you amplifies our love for Roo. Every day I'm becoming more and more aware of how precious your sibling is and I was already rather alert to this fact. But as time passes I realise it more, I worry more. I worried with you, but not as much. Worrying will not change things, the outcome will be what it will be. With you it wasn't the outcome anyone would have ever wanted. But we were bless my love, 3 days to hold you, to feed you, to bathe you. Something that not everyone gets. Although we are cursed to have to taken from us, we are bless to have known you and to love you. We love you so much, please my son look after the other little boys and girls, specially Gabriele, welcome him with open arms and a warm heart.