20 weeks and 7 months

7 months ago today we held our son for the first time, a memory I hold so dearly. 7 months ago today he first came home and slept in his moses basket. Today I washed the bedding on the basket, the little jungle animal cover in which my son slept, in which he passed. I decided it was time after a successful 20 week and 3 day scan yesterday where we saw our beautiful second child wriggling around and playing his his/her feet, yawning away and basically being very active.

We call this baby a girl although we don't know and her nickname is Roo. Well we have a Roo blanket which belonged to Angus, he came home from the hospital in it and was promptly sick while daddy was holding him! That blanket is also in the wash along with about 40 reusable nappies! I cried my eyes out as I spoke to Angus hoping he understood why I needed to do this. You see I want Roo to have as many connections to Angus as she can. I had thought about not washing the moses basket cover but what if something were to happen to Roo I'd never forgive myself and for my whole life I'd think it was because of that. I know it sounds silly but when we lost Angus I was convinced that it was because we got him a blue blanket and didn't wash it! Turns out not every parent washes everything they give to their child to wear or to sleep in. So this stuff is in the wash and although sad I'm at peace with my choice to wash them now. Today I feel strong enough to do so, empowered perhaps by knowing Roo is safe and happy. I think at which ever point I decided to wash these things I'd cry, it's emotional to me and I feel very proud that I can take that positive step. I haven't washed the one blue blanket and the one boy outfit he wore (he has another boy outfit which is in a memory box, the rest of the time was unisex stuff, which my best friend washed just after we lost him, although sad at the time I'm thankful she did so). I shall wash them should we have a boy as the outfit I just have a need to see a happy boy in a boy who's older than 3 days, who's alive and healthy. I don't expect people to understand it but it's important to me.

So today is 7 months since our son was born and I'm 20 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I'm at peace but I'm sad, I'm happy but I'm not complete. I have moved forward but I'm stuck.