I think this is because I feel less of a need now. At the beginning the feelings were so intense that I needed to get them out but now I don't feel the same. He would be 21 weeks old today, this is not a very special age but for some reason I'm finding today hard. I don't write about Angus as much because I've become selfish in a way, I don't want to share him with people any more I want to keep him to myself.
I've learnt a lot over these months, the days drag and I often feel isolated. I see people complain about their children and I want to scream at them. But they don't know what life without their child is like,thank goodness. If they knew such horror they too would see things differently. I want to keep Angus to myself now, I feel everyone else is living their life and rightly so. I perhaps feel not so many people think of him like I do. He was ours, he is ours and always will be. I long to hold him and tell him how beautiful he is, how proud he makes me. Instead I sit in an empty nursery and pour my heart out to an empty cot. And yes I know one day there will be a happy little baby sleeping in there but it doesn't ease the pain that there should be one in there now.
People tell me I'm strong and they admire me, for what I wonder? People like us we don't get a choice, the world keeps turning we can't just refuse to live. If only it worked like that I'd have died the moment I lost my son. So today is a bad day, I've had a lot of them lately. There was a good day a while ago, there has been good days and there will be more but it's getting through the bad days to get to the good days that takes it out of me.
People die every day but the world never really stops to think how so many lives have been changed by this event. Me, well perhaps I stop and think too much.
No comments:
Post a Comment